Late Night Snark: "He said what???" Edition
"Thanks to audiotapes of interviews Trump did with Bob Woodward in February and March, we now know he was fully aware of how the virus was transmitted and how deadly it could be. And yet in public he told everyone how there was no reason to be afraid. Look, I get that as a leader you don’t want people to panic. …[But] Since when is Donald J. Trump concerned about creating a panic? That is literally his favorite thing. His campaign slogan is basically, Look Out Behind You!!!"
—Trevor Noah
"Thank god none of us panicked. I might have freaked out and stayed inside for six months."
—James Corden
Continued...
"It's a catastrophic story for Trump that threatens to end his presidency. Or as he calls it: Wednesday. Seriously, these tapes are really bad. Trump's reelection prospects are sinking faster than a boat at a MAGA rally."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Imagine if Bob Woodward's job was always this easy. It's as if Nixon walked up to him in 1973 and said, 'Hello, Bob, did you know I did Watergate? This is a pretty cool parking garage, huh?'"
—Seth Meyers
“Dear Fans: I promise never to use explosives or anything flammable when I reveal my gender to you.”
—Conan O’Brien
And a reminder from less than a month ago—the high water mark of the Trump administration's pandemic propaganda. In light of the Woodward tapes, a prime candidate for sick joke of the year:
"Then came a once-in-a-hundred-year pandemic. It was awful. Health and economic impacts were tragic. Hardship and heartbreak were everywhere. But presidential leadership came swiftly and effectively, with an extraordinary rescue for health and safety to successfully fight the covid virus."
—White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow at the GOP convention
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 11, 2020
Note: Don’t forget that you can follow me on twitter at @BillinPortland. And more important, don't forget that you can un-follow me on twitter at @BillinPortland.
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By the Numbers:
18 days!!!
Days 'til the first Biden-Trump debate: 18
Biden/Harris lead over Trump/Putin in Pennsylvania according to the latest NBC News-Marist poll: +9
Amount of tax dollars the federal government is going to give to Maine lobstermen to compensate for Trump's vanity trade war with China: $50 million
Percent of eligible-to-vote PGA Tour golfers polled by Golf magazine who said they voted for Donald Trump in 2016: 56%
Percent who say they plan to vote for Trump this year: 42%
Maximum speed at which the cracks move when glass breaks: 3,000 mph
Date on which my evil twin came out of the shadows and wrote a GBCW diary: 9/12/13
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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JEERS to That Day. Here we are once again, revisiting for the 19th time one of those dates in our nation's history which will live in infamy. But at least the guy who orchestrated it finally met his fate in the raid of the century (thanks, Obama), and a new tower stands at Ground Zero like a middle-finger salute to al Qaeda. Time to dig up the 2001 C&J time capsule and remind ourselves of some truths that all the right-wing spinners in the world will never be able to whitewash:
» Most of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, yet they paid no price for producing and harboring terrorists.
» The 8/6/01 PDB said: Bin Laden determined to Strike in U.S.
» Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. 9/11 had nothing to do with Iraq.
» Sitting in a classroom for seven minutes after being told "America is under attack" was a poor display of leadership by the President of the United States.
NYC’s new middle finger salute to al Qaeda and Taliban.
» Donald Trump did not see thousands of Muslims in New Jersey cheering the fall of the towers. He did not pay hundreds of workers out of his own pocket and he did not help clear the rubble. But he did brag about how his was now the tallest building in Manhattan after the towers came down.
» We will never be able to put into words the scope of the heroism that first responders displayed, nor the cruelty of the Republican party that turned their backs on them when they needed medical care for Ground Zero-related health issues because, despite their promises, the air was not fine.
» Rudy Giuliani built his anti-terrorism command center in the World Trade Center against the advice of experts who knew better.
» Giuliani was not "at the site as often, if not more, than most of the workers."
» The Republicans' go-to spiritual adviser, Jerry Falwell, Sr. said: "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way…I point the finger in their face and say you helped this happen."
» Republicans were the first to propagandize 9/11 in campaign ads.
» Osama bin Laden was not caught by Bush dead or alive. He continued making videos and plotting more attacks until President Obama snatched him from his Pakistan porn palace.
I sometimes wonder how bin Laden and the 9/11 hijackers reacted when they found out the 72 virgins they met in the afterlife had orders from Allah to beat them with shoes for eternity. We'll never know. But I hope it was a Kodak moment.
CHEERS to bad times to get busted. Clinging to her political life just 53 days before the election about which she is very concerned), Maine's senior senator Susan Collins (R-Trump Cult) finds herself exactly where she doesn’t want to be: behind in the polls and under a cloud of scandal. An ethics watchdog says she's been all loosey-goosey with some of her votes, and that might explain how she achieved her lavish "f*ck you, peasants" lifestyle:
The charges, laid out in the letter and exclusively obtained by Salon, are informed by a recent HuffPost article reporting that Collins—who now trails Democrat Sara Gideon inmost polls, in one of the most closely-watched races in the country—has advocated and voted for policies that benefited her husband's consulting and lobbying business. […]
Dem challenger Sara Gideon is in position to win.
Salon can also report that, according to Collins' latest financial disclosures, her husband's investments in eight companies as much as doubled following Collins' vote in favor of the GOP's 2017 tax bill—increasing in value by perhaps $340,000 to $600,000 as those companies took in billions of dollars in corporate tax benefits and stock buybacks.
Sordid stuff. But as bad as that is, another cataclysmic event is threatening to capsize her campaign once and for all: Joe Lieberman emerged from his hidey-hole to mumble a ringing endorsement on videotape. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
CHEERS to great moments in music. On September 11, 1962, The Beatles recorded their first singles for EMI, including "Love Me Do." Or as it's called today, the British Hairdressers' National Anthem.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to finding the silver lining in the chaos of smoke, floods, droughts, and flesh-searing heat. Those cockeyed optimists at NBC News graced their website with this joyful headline yesterday, and they're right: "Think 2020′s disasters are wild? Experts say the worst is yet to come." The consensus is that humans have thrown so much toxic crap into the atmosphere already that things have to get worse because, as NASA's former head scientist says, “The kind of things we’re seeing are no surprise to the (scientific) community that understands the rules and the laws of physics.” But the knowledge that the planet is on the brink of destruction brings with it a possible, if wafer-thin upside, says University of Michigan climate scientist Jonathan Overpeck:
Even though the climate will likely get worse, Overpeck is also optimistic about what future generations will think when they look back at the wild and dangerous weather of 2020.
Troubled times for the pale blue dot.
“I think we’ll look back and we’ll see a whole bunch of increasingly crazy years,” Overpeck said. “And that this year, in 2020, I hope we look back and say it got crazy enough that it motivated us to act on climate change in the United States.”
In other words, kids: V-O-T-E.
JEERS to the human snot rag. Lest we forget, a decade ago today Newton Leroy Gingrich put on a display of the class and charm that makes him one of America's most admired leaders since, oh, the First of Never. See if you can detect the subtle undertones in his pronouncement...
"What if [President Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?" Gingrich asks.
Newt Gingrich: giant asshole since 1943.
"This is a person who is fundamentally out of touch with how the world works, who happened to have played a wonderful con, as a result of which he is now president," Gingrich tells us.
I'm still shocked that Trump didn’t make Newt his Secretary of Racism. Such a natural. Then again, I understand why he didn’t—he would’ve made Stephen Miller jealous.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Some random TV notes for a relatively quiet weekend ahead. No one knows what the “Friday night news dump” will be tonight, but we know that Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O’Donnell will be on it like glue on MSNBC. Former FBI guy and thorn-in-Trump's-side Peter Strzok joins Bill Maher at 11 on HBO, along with Ewan MacGregor and Jessica Yellin.
Let’s goooooooo!!!
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The big sporting event this weekend is the return of NFL football. (The Patriots representing the six-state region known as New England will “beach” the dolphins Ha Ha Ha!!!) You can check out the NBA schedule here and the WNBA schedule here, while the NHL games are here and the baseball lineup is here, starring the Boston Red Sox who have won so many World Series that everyone has lost count, believe me. And on 60 Minutes: Bob Woodward unveils more Trump Tapes as his red-hatted loons yawn, because, after all, it is what it is.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: Biden campaign senior adviser Symone Sanders; Trump campaign senior hack Jason Miller; Democracy for America CEO Yvette Simpson.
Meet the Press: RNC Chair Ronna Romney; Dr. Michael Osterholm on the COVID-19 crisis; former FBI agent Peter Strzok hawks his book.
Also: the ghost of John C. Calhoun offers his top 5 tips for dealing with unruly pandemic hair.
Face the Nation: United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla; former DNI poobah Sue Gordon.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Val Demings (D-FL); L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti; White House ninny Peter Navarro, who reportedly spends four hours a day in the west wing bathroom “contemplating.”
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Biden campaign senior adviser Jake Sullivan; Trump campaign senior hack Steve Cortes; Joe Buck of Fox Sports
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 11, 2010
CHEERS to just what the doctor ordered. One thing I fucking hate is how Democrats running for re-election are virtually silent on the Affordable Care Act that was passed this year. They seem absolutely petrified by it. Idiots. Well, today on my teevee I saw a terrific ad from a group called America's Fair Health Care. Their mission is like a breath of fresh air:
Along with a coalition of partners, we work to explain to the public the benefits of the new law, how it affects consumers and when key regulations take effect. We also work to respond to misinformation and misperceptions about the law, educate leaders and stakeholders about the full extent of the benefits and provide a mechanism for policy makers and others to come together to share information and best practices that will help the implementation process.
Their framing is clear, concise and, dare I say it, persuasive. Plus I love the slogan they use to highlight the law's effect on the decades-long abuses of the American people by the health insurance industry: "Not Anymore." Not bad.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a bright spot on an otherwise lousy day. Be sure to take a moment today to face Berkeley, California and shout, "Lordy, Lordy, look who's fortysomethinger!”
Birthday boy Kos laying intellectual waste to Chucky’s whataboutism.
Yes indeed, our malevo benevolent kingmaker, troll slayer, gate crasher, MSNBC guest, and professional pollster Markos Moulitsas Zuniga turns another year wiser, and we wish him many blessings on his camels. On behalf of the C&J community, I got him the usual gifts: a new star pin for his Che beret (they tarnish so fast—drives me nuts), a new pair of "I brake for AOC" mud flaps, and a renewal of his subscription to Popular Hispanic Hippie Commie Pinko Socialist Libtard Moonbat Vegetarian Cyclists Monthly. It's the least we could do. So that's what we did.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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