Late Night Snark:
"Donald Trump's niece Mary Trump is releasing a tell-all book about the president which is already selling very well. And she just announced that she's working on a series of children's books about the president, including Horton Withdraws from W.H.O., The Taking Tree, Cloudy with a Chance of White Supremacy, and Goodnight, Mooch."
—Billy Eichner, guest hosting on Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Hug your kids. Learn from Fred Trump’s mistakes."
—Samantha Bee
Continued…
You Are Now Below The Fold. And Nothing Will Ever be The Same.
"The [right-wing freakout over masks] is what blows my mind. Because, y'know, surgeons wear them in operating rooms. And they don’t wear them because they drive Volvos and sip chai tea and listen to NPR. So I just want to say to people: Great! Next time you’re having an operation and the surgeon comes in with washed hands and a mask, just be like, 'Don’t be some liberal puss. You take off that mask and you un-wash your hands and you stick your paws in my open, gaping wound.' Because apparently sanitary conditions are a liberal myth."
—Jon Stewart to his successor Trevor Noah on The Daily Show
"Remember that movie I Know What You Did Last Summer? They should make one about this summer. Only this time the killer is the one not wearing the mask…and he doesn’t use a hook to kill people, he kills people by sneezing on them at a Costco."
—Anthony Anderson, guest hosting on Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Just went to the doctor. My BMI is 40% ice cream."
—Conan O'Brien"Don't worry about those Confederate statues being torn down.
They're getting what they always wanted: out of America."
—Stephen Colbert
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 10, 2020
Note: YOU have the power! YOU have the power! YOU have the power! YOU have... [Fzzzzt!] Um, do you have the flashlight?
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Mango Day: 12
Percent of registered voters polled by Monmouth University who believe Trump's handling of the BLM protests has made the situation worse, versus 20% who believe Trump is the Infallible One Chosen by God: 62%
Percent, including 73% of non-college educated whites, who say they understand that "defund the police" means to "change the way the police departments operate," not to eliminate them: 77%
Percent chance that two weeks after Trump's indoor, maskless Tulsa rally, the city has been "inundated" with new cases of coronavirus: 100%
Number of covid-19 vaccine candidates from 12 countries that are currently in the testing phase: 100
Number of them that are in clinical trials: 8
Length toenails usually grow per month: 1 millimeter
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS and JEERS to our overlords in painter's smocks. Well, that was and wasn’t a fun Supreme Court session that just concluded, was and wasn’t it? Let’s check the official C&J ticker and you can—Ha Ha Ha—“judge” for yourself:
Invisible bearded sky man still rules over the womenz sexy lady parts, but if you're a man with limp man parts everything you want or need to fix that is FREE! ….. Invisible bearded sky man also rules over the teachers workin' for churchy schools, so if you like the gays or the women's freedoms YOU'RE FIRED! ….. BUT under Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, LGBT Americans can't be fired for being LGBT in non-invisible-bearded-sky-man businesses ….. Indian reservations are sovereign, so keep your damn state government out of their affairs ….. electors who defect and vote against the candidate who won the popular vote in a state can now be thrown in a woodchipper of that state arborist's choosing ….. doctors do not need arbitrary hospital admitting privileges to perform abortions ….. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau can keep going after the fraudsters and banksters ….. the president is not a king and must (eventually) comply with congressional subpoenas ….. and New York prosecutors can take possession of Trump's taxes, virtually guaranteeing that he'll be the first POTUS to spend his post-presidency behind bars.
To celebrate the end of the session, Alito, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Roberts and Thomas held their usual gathering in the Federalist Society’s underground star chamber and toasted their fine work by clinking human skulls filled with champagne.
P.S. October Joe Biden has a message for July Donald Trump:
At this point, I’d settle for either.
JEERS to the Magic Petri Dish. As cases of covid-19 continue to soar as fast as the brain function of Florida's Republican leadership continues to plummet, cabin fever has consumed the Mouse House, and by god they're flinging their gates open again come hell or high fever:
The Disney resort plans to begin a phased reopening on Saturday for its Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom parks, followed by EPCOT and Hollywood Studios on July 15.
Although Disney is implementing several measures to reopen safely, the reopening of a dense theme park roughly the size of San Francisco comes with risks, questions and criticisms as cases are spiking in Florida.
All the most popular rides will be open, including Space Mountain and It's A Small World. But starting tomorrow guests will have a brand new ride that thrill seekers say is the scariest and most death-defying experience in Disney World's history. It's called going to Disney World.
CHEERS to"#6." On July 11, 1767, John Quincy Adams—who, despite historian Michele Bachmann's claim, was not a founding father—was born in Braintree, Massachusetts. His presidency was, oh, let's call it a mixed bag. But intellectually he was one of the sharpest pencils in the box, and he followed his White House stint with a remarkable tenure in the House. Adams was also fanatical about that socialist Marxist concept known as "physical fitness," although it once got him in hot (read: cold) water. From Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents:
While president, he set time aside virtually every day for a swim in the Potomac---a preoccupation that nearly killed him when, upon rowing with a servant to the far shore with the intent of swimming back, a storm brewed. After their flimsy canoe filled with water and sank, the two only barely made it to the far shore.The servant set off in search of clothing, and JQA waited patiently, sitting naked on the riverbank.
Pay your respects here. But not too loud—his dad's sleeping three feet away and he gets cranky when you darn kids show up with your alien and seditious hippie hair and boom-boom music.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the 44th state. On July 10, 1890, Wyoming—the "Equality State"—joined the union. I've always felt a mysterious connection to Wyoming. This might explain it:
Wyoming is home to Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Teton, and the Cheneys. Oh well...two outta three ain't bad.
JEERS to today’s edition of Gee, She Says That Like It’s A Bad Thing. Courtesy of Axis Laura:
This has been today’s edition of Gee, She Says That Like It’s A Bad Thing.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's the middle of summer, and you really should spend the weekend outside burning brats, drinking beer and causing horrible gaping wounds with lawn darts. So all you're getting tonight is the briefest mention of what's on the tube.
Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow process the Friday news dumps starting at 8 on MSNBC, followed by a special hosted by Lawrence O’Donnell on the rancid history of Confederate statues called Stone Ghosts in the South.
The biggest home video release this week is the all-new Tom Hanks W.W. II North Atlantic nail-biter Greyhound on Apple TV+, and the 1953 classic War of the Worlds gets the Criterion treatment. See the rest of the offerings here.
Weekend sports: American Century Championship golf tournament on NBC and Workday Charity Open on CBS…..There's Major League Soccer tomorrow night at 8 on Fox…..IndyCar Racing's REV Group Grand Prix on NBC and NHRA drag racing Sunday afternoon on Fox (keep those traitor flags at home, fans)….and Sunday night on ABC, NFL Hall of Famers face off against rising stars on Celebrity Family Feud.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Gov. Larry Hogan (R-MD); Miami-Dada School Superintendent Alberto Carvalho; Admiral Brett Giroir of the Coronavirus Task Force. (Really? Is that still a thing?)
Face the Nation: AdventHealth CEO Terry Shaw; Phoenix Mayor Kate Gallego (D); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; American Academy of Pediatrics President Dr. Sara Goza on the insanity of opening schools willy-nilly this fall; Surgeon General Jerome Adams.
CNN's State of the Union: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez (R); Secretary of Hating Education Betsy DeVos.
This Week: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr.Tom Inglesby of the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security; Secretary of Keeping Kids Dumb Betsy DeVos.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 10, 2010
CHEERS to clear skies for the spy guys. Today at the Vienna airport (where more people miss flights than anywhere else because the piped-in Mozart puts 'em to sleep), ten spies for Russia were exchanged for four spies for the U.S. Since this kind of swap hadn’t been done in decades, it was a bit awkward at first:
"Send your prisoners over first, Ivan."
"No. You send your prisoners over first, Yank."
"You don’t trust us?"
"You don’t trust us?"
"A sphincter says what?"
"What?"
"A sphincter says what?"
"What???"
They eventually worked it out. All the spooks were allowed to keep their fake mustaches and latex chins. Sadly they had to leave their sword umbrellas on the tarmac.
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And just one more…
JEERS to "Second Amendment remedies." 216 years ago Sunday, Treasury Secretary, Founding Father and Boy Wonder Alexander Hamilton died after dueling in Weehawken, New Jersey, directly across from Manhattan. With the Disney+-fueled eruption of Hamilton mania this week, you're probably expecting me to post some video clip from the 3,000 Tony Award-winning Broadway smash. Ha ha, fooled ya. I never miss a valid excuse to play Michael Bay’s smash hit Advertising-Hall-of-Fame commercial with the killer setup one more time:
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Bwahvo.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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