The Week Ahead
Monday Roger Stone supplements the tattoo of Richard Nixon's face on his back with one of Donald Trump's ass on his lips.
Experts agree that, of all the 182 consecutive Infrastructure Weeks declared by the White House, this is one of them.
Continued...
Tuesday Maine holds its Democratic senatorial primary, and state House Speaker Sara Gideon officially becomes the 2020 challenger to incumbent Republican Susan Collins, who promptly raises her threat level from “concerned” to “ruffled.”
The Small Business Optimism Index is released for June. Instead of a written report, this time small business owners summarize their conclusions by taking turns punching Larry Kudlow in the face.
Wednesday Democrats in the House try to beef up protections against Russian cyber warfare in the election, eliminate gerrymandering, raise the minimum wage, fund covid-19 relief efforts, and make it easier to vote. Republicans try to block protections against Russian cyber warfare in the election, increase gerrymandering, lower the minimum wage, block covid-19 relief efforts, and make it harder to vote. And coming up this Sunday on Meet the Press: why aren’t Democrats doing enough to help real Americans?
Thursday Jobless claims are announced. The #1 claim, as usual: "I ain't got no job."
After one minute of discussion, the passage "President Trump wrestled the steep, slippery terrorist ramp to the ground and subdued it single-handedly as the graduating class of West Point sat in astonished admiration" is formally approved as an update to all American history textbooks by the Texas School Board.
Friday The University of Michigan's Consumer Sentiment Index is released. Instead of a written report, this time consumers summarize their sentiment by taking turns punching Wilbur Ross in the face.
After a meeting of its delegates from all over the world, the United Coronavirus Nations unanimously agrees to grant the United States "Most Favored Incubator" status.
Saddle up. We ride.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 13, 2020
Note: Sure. I'll catch the shark for ya. The head. The tail. The whole damn thing. But it'll cost ya the deed to the Brach's candy corn factory. You fine people think it’s over. But I wouldn’t wait around too long. That thing's still out there. And it's still mighty hungry. —Quint in Portland Maine
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 113
Trump-Biden match-up numbers in Alaska, the closest the Democrat has been to the Republican since the 1960s according to PPP polling: 48%-45%
New Yorkers polled by NBC 4 NY-Marist who do and do not, respectively, support opening schools for in-school classes this fall: 40%, 50%
Approval in the same poll for how well Gov. Andrew Cuomo is handling the covid-19 crisis: 72%
Number electoral votes Joe Biden appears to have locked up in the latest Cook Political Report analysis, with 270 needed to win the presidency: 279
Percent chance that in Maine "stores appear to be complying with face mask enforcement, and shoppers aren’t making a fuss," according to The Portland Press Herald: 100%
Unemployment claims filed last week as the Trump Depression rolls on: 1.3 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Watch that step…
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CHEERS to a helluva way to wake up. Screw politics for a second. Just take in the morning view, courtesy of the International Space Station…
So calm…peaceful….placid….serene….life-affirming. Okay, now back to our regularly-scheduled narrative: the world is on fire, the heads on Mount Rushmore have come alive and are terrorizing the countryside, Roger Stone is running through the streets naked shouting "Yippee!!!", and we're all gonna die.
JEERS to keeping track of the fugliest numbers. Speaking of we're all gonna die, the Covid-19 world tour marches on (13 million cases around the globe now, with 25% of them in the U.S.), and our macabre Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world with all due reluctance as cases spiral out of control in Republican-governed states, including Oklahoma where Trump's Tulsa rally is now being followed by the inevitable spike in cases among the red-hatted cultfucks:
10 weeks ago: 1.2 million confirmed cases. 69,000 deaths.
5 weeks ago: 2 million confirmed cases, 112,000 deaths
Last week: 3 million confirmed cases, 133,000 deaths
This morning: 3.4 million confirmed cases, 138,000 deaths
Meanwhile, Disney World spent its first weekend open since the virus shut it down. Everybody had a great time riding all the rides. Well, with the sole exception of the It's A Small Round Contagious Ball With Little Red Tips’ World After All ride.
JEERS to petty politicians. (Sorry, is that redundant?) Forty-eight years ago today, the late George McGovern became the Democratic presidential nominee at the convention in Miami Beach. A while back some secret Nixon tapes were released, revealing #37 as that rare breed of paranoid (not unlike Trump)—the sore winner:
Several hours after the election, after 1:00 am, when vote totals are known, Henry Kissinger calls Nixon to congratulate him on the landslide victory: "It's an extraordinary tribute," he said. [...] Then they go after the loser, George McGovern:
Nixon: "You know this fellow, to the last, was a prick. Did you see his concession statement?" [...] Nixon says speechwriter Ray Price urged him to send McGovern a message that he looks forward to working with him and his supporters for peace in the years ahead.
Nixon: "And I just said hell no, I'm not gonna send him that sort of wire.
I'll say this. Dick sure knew how to live up to his name.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to dollars and sense. While Donald Trump flails and flounders at every turn (pandemic, economy, rally turnout, infrastructure weeks, applying his makeup, cognitive-abilities testing, marriage, fatherhood, walking, breathing), Democrat Joe Biden is hunkering down with his allies and rivals from Team D, including possible veep Elizabeth Warren, to put together a post-Trump path to normalcy. On Thursday he unveiled his economic plan in Scranton, which includes nearly half-a-trillion dollars on Made-in-the-USA spending and a major push to fund green energy technologies. Among the expected results: at least 5 million new jobs...
“This money will be used purposefully to ensure all of America is in on the deal, including communities that have historically been left out—Black, brown and Native American entrepreneurs, cities and towns in every region of the country,” Biden said in the speech.
“This will be a mobilization of R&D and procurement investments in ways not seen since World War II.”
“Biden clearly takes the enormity of this crisis seriously, recognizes that bold progressive solutions are needed in this moment, and smartly is collaborating with Elizabeth Warren and other progressive thinkers and organizations as he develops solutions,” said Adam Green, the co-founder of the PCCC.
“When it comes to this ambitious plan to create millions of good-paying union jobs, and his engagement with progressives in developing it, credit is definitely due.”
My only quibble, given that the Republican Depression is only going to get depressionier: he'll need to tack a few extra zeroes on to those totals. To save time, he can do it at the same time they're tacking a few extra zeroes onto the Trump family's prison sentences. In economic parlance I believe that's called efficiency.
CHEERS to portable suds. On this most important date in 1568, the Dean of St. Paul's Cathedral, Dr. Alexander Nowell, reportedly perfected a way to bottle ale (and, subsequently, beer) by that glorious scientific method known as serendipity:
While Nowell was parish priest at Much Hadham in Hertfordshire, around 20 miles north of London, in the early years of Elizabeth I, it is said that he went on a fishing expedition to the nearby River Ash, taking with him for refreshment a bottle filled with home brewed ale.
When Nowell went home he left the full bottle behind in the river-bank grass. According to Thomas Fuller’s History of the Worthies of Britain, published a hundred years later, when Nowell returned to the river-bank a few days later and came across the still-full bottle, “he found no bottle, but a gun, such was the sound at the opening thereof; and this is believed (causality is mother of more inventions than industry) the original of bottled ale in England.”
The news of bottled ale was hailed as a major breakthrough among the clergy. Try stashing a keg under your robe sometime and you'll see why.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 13, 2010
JEERS to Great Moments in Human Shruggery. Non-News Flash: Newt Gingrich is mulling a presidential run in 2012. We mention it just in case you haven't yawned enough this morning.
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And just one more…
HA HA!!! to revisiting the prediction of the century. With the 15th annual Netroots Nation convention four weeks away—online this year but just as awesome, and you can register here—it's worth remembering that it all started in 2006 as "Yearly Kos." But storm clouds gathered that same year when highly-influential right-wing journalist Noel Sheppard insisted that the Great Orange Satan was on the cusp of tumbling into the ash heap of history:
IS THE DAILY KOS ABOUT TO IMPLODE?
It appears that the post-Yearly Kos month from hell is continuing for Markos Moulitsas Zuniga, the proprietor of the Internet's premier liberal blog Daily Kos. After receiving some extremely negative press from major publications such as The New York Times, The New Republic and Newsweek immediately following his seemingly successful bloggers' convention in Las Vegas, Kos is now faced with an even greater challenge: dissension within his ranks.
Such internal squabbling comes at the same time that many prominent Democrats seem to be privately expressing concern about the direction the "netroots"—the self-described Internet grassroots movement of liberal bloggers and their loyal followers—are taking the Party. This seemingly inconvenient planetary alignment is not only threatening the long-term viability of this crusade, but also is putting Kos in an uncomfortable position just as his notoriety is skyrocketing.
Fourteen years later, "The" Daily Kos continues to not implode. We're on great terms with a large number of Democratic lawmakers (Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Kamala Harris, a certain House Speaker you may have heard of named Pelosi), and scores of exciting 2020 candidates, unions, grassroots organizers, and dedicated crusaders inside the liberal universe. Sure, our occasional pie fights are the stuff of legend. But imploding? Nah. That’s Trump’s gig.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
NASA unveils new rules to protect the moon and Mars from Bill in Portland Maine's germs
—Space.com
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