The Week Ahead
Monday A former Trump aide releases an excerpt from a new tell-all book that reveals the former president buried a nuclear bomb under the White House on December 6, 2020 and set it to detonate exactly one year later with such force that it splits the planet in half. The book’s title: Perhaps I Should Have Mentioned This Earlier.
The chocolate gelt market tanks as Hanukkah ends at sundown. Republicans blame President Biden's socialist policies for fueling the resulting economic anxiety and call for his immediate impeachment.
Continued...
Tuesday Marjorie Taylor-Greene’s brain starts its Tuesday by waking up at noon with a hangover next to a cigarette butt and a dead mouse in a street gutter in Macon, Georgia, wondering how it all went so wrong. Or as her brain refers to it: a day ending in y.
Attorney General Merrick Garland wonders if maybe this is the day he does some justice stuff to help save his country from becoming the Fourth Reich. After consulting his TV Guide he decides nah, maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday In a Nobel prize-worthy development, researchers working around the clock in labs all across America announce that they've discovered a miracle cure that works instantly to neutralize the most dangerous parasitic virus known to humankind: they call it cutting the power to the control room at Fox News.
Kyrsten Sinema presides over the Senate in overalls, clown shoes, and a pair of those glasses that have plastic eyeballs attached to little Slinkys that dangle and jiggle real funny when she bangs the gavel. Majority leader Schumer praises her for toning it down.
Thursday Today is International Anti-Corruption Day. Or, if you pay us enough under the table, it's not.
Jesus returns to wish everyone "Happy Holidays" and urge us to all get vaccinated. He's promptly demonized by Franklin Graham as a crazy pagan commie and spends the rest of his reincarnation peeing in a bottle between Amazon deliveries.
Friday Today is International Human Rights Day. As usual, plenty of humans, not enough rights.
The latest University of Michigan consumer sentiment index is released. America's sentiment registers an uptick from "impetuous" to "goutish." (It's a weird index.)
It’s dawn. Saddle up. We ride. Don’t forget the hand sanitizer.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 6, 2021
Note: For those of you participating in the C&J Pharmaceuticals clinical trial who have suddenly sprouted a pine bough from your rectum, please report to Dr. Augenblick for a free pruning. (To speed the process, please remove your Christmas lights and ornaments first.) —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 17
Days 'til the start of the Holiday Light Festival in Kearney, Nebraska: 2
Percent of Americans polled by Morning Consult who support a nationwide vaccine mandate in light of the arrival of the new omicron variant: 68%
Percent who support mandatory mask usage in indoor public places: 72%
Percent of Americans polled by Ipsos who believe their standard of living will decline over the next year: 15%
Amount some grifter was extracting from the gullible MAGA cult for 4 ounces of lead- and arsenic-laced "magic dirt" from a landfill with the promise that it would prevent Covid-19: $110
Approximate number of years I've carried this same tube of ChapStik in my pocket: 5
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Well, somebody's happy it's Monday…
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CHEERS to jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs. The employment numbers were released Friday by the Department of Employment Number Releasers. There's good news and there's great news. The good news is, 220,000 more Americans were on the job in November. The great news is contained in this picture. It would appear that our Democratic president is an overachiever:
The sharpest one-year decline in unemployment ever, and a jobs recovery running four years ahead of the all-powerful, all-knowing, never-wrong CBO. Or as the media will communicate to their viewers: SUPPLY CHAIN CRISIS AT THE INFLATION BORDER CARAVANS RUSSIA UKRAINE INVASION MURDER HORNETS!!!
CHEERS to knowing what we know. A ton of attention will be rightly focused this week on Omicron. We've all heard the name bouncing around the news like a pinball off a pop bumper, but what do we really know? I mean, really know? Well, here's our current list of certainties:
FACT: It's "Omi"cron, not "Omni"cron.
FACT: Omicron first appeared in Hong Kong, but went away in 2016 before reemerging in Perth, Australia.
FACT: Omicron, in a different form, emerged in Belgium. That's right—Belgium, not South Africa.
FACT: Omicron is chaotic and apocalyptic.
FACT: Omicron will likely release what's known as Entropic Entity, but no one has any idea if it's good, bad, or neutral, but it definitely treats the human race as if it's insignificant.
FACT: Naturally, it prefers live gatherings of people, and the bigger the better.
But enough about the death metal bands called Omicron. If you want to know about the omicron version of covid, you'll have to ask Tony Fauci as I am not a doctor.
CHEERS to entering the civilized world. Well, Hallefrickinlujah. On today's date in 1865—89 years after we officially declared ourselves a nation where "all men are created equal" and 8 months after Lincoln was assassinated—the 13th Amendment to the Constitution was officially ratified, abolishing slavery and pissing off the south.
You can view the document here. 155 years later, blacks are least likely to be hired, most likely to be targeted and killed by police and “stand your grounders” for doing nothing even remotely illegal, least likely to be in the minority among the prison population and most likely to be targeted for voter disenfranchisement by Republicans. But, on the other hand, how nice to know that blacks can now be denied the blessings of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in all those diverse ways as a free people.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to today's boring correction. When last we left the Michigan parents of that kid who shot up the Oxford High School and left four fellow students dead, they were late for their 4pm Friday hearing, whereabouts unknown. The official line from their lawyer: Oh, it's not a problem, they're just running a little late, they'll voluntarily turn themselves in momentarily. Which brings us to our boring correction:
The parents of the teen accused in this week's deadly Michigan high school shooting were arrested early Saturday in Detroit, authorities said, ending an hours-long search for them after they failed to appear in court on involuntary manslaughter charges in the killings.
James and Jennifer Crumbley, the parents of Oxford High School shooting suspect Ethan Crumbley, were found [hiding out] on the first floor of an industrial or commercial building after someone tipped police Friday night that their vehicle was nearby, police officials said.
We're sure Mrs. Lawyer regrets the error.
CHEERS to "Martin Van Ruin." Our 8th president turned 239 yesterday (but he doesn’t look a day over 198). In the “negative” column, he sat around picking his nose during the depression and panic of 1837, did nothing about slavery, and was on duty during the time of the shameful Trail of Tears. In the “plus” column, he averted conflicts with Britain and Canada. In the "sleeping on the couch" column, he never once mentioned his wife, Hannah (who died at 36 before he reached the White House), in his autobiography. Interesting tidbit from The Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
Martin Van Buren was renowned for not taking a stand.
One story, which Van Buren admits to in his autobiography, tells how one senator accepted a bet that he could actually make Van Buren admit to something with finality. "It's been rumored that the sun rises in the east," said the senator to Van Buren. "Do you believe it?" "Well, Senator," came the reply, "I understand that's the common acceptance, but as I never get up till after dawn, I can't really say."
Oh, and before his one-way trip to the Alamo, Congressman Davy Crocket said: “Martin Van Buren is laced up in corsets, such as women in a town wear, and if possible tighter than the best of them. It would be difficult to say from his personal appearance, whether he was a man or a woman, but for his large red and gray whiskers." Fox News would never hire Crockett as a pundit today. Too restrained.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 6, 2011
CHEERS to Earth, Jr. The nerds have done it again—they've just discovered, with an assist from the Kepler telescope, a planet that’s like ours. They say it might be the best hope for our civilization's survival, once we've fucked this place up beyond repair. Not that I expect to be around when that happens, but just in case: I call dibs on Earth II's version of Key West. (We plan to emblazon our crest with my national motto: "Clothing Optional.")
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And just one more…
CHEERS to delightfully twisted minds. Today is comedian, Oscar winner (1989 Best Short Live-Action Film for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings) and multiple Grammy nominee Steven Wright's 66th birthday. To describe him beyond the single word "deadpan" is futile, so don’t even try. Just feast on some of his brain food and feel your neurons tingle…
“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
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“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”
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“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
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“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
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“I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"
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“I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
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“My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.”
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“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Go here and you can eat the whole bag. Oh, and extra points for including a Maine lighthouse (Cape Neddick) on the home page of his website. He always did like us best.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"If you’re going to criticize Bill in Portland Maine, I’m just not going to go with that because I already know that he's doing his very, very best."
—Kenny G
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