Tuesday with George
Hard to believe it was thirteen years ago when we got the news that Philosopher of Comedy George Carlin had died too young at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his brain droppings…
"Remember, kids, Mr. Policeman is your friend. Always cooperate with him. Mr. Policeman wants to help you, so you must help Mr. Policeman. Don't forget, if you refuse to cooperate, Mr. Policeman will beat you to death. Especially if you're not white."
“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms."
"Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise."
Continued...
"Children's Hospital in New York is quite an amazing place. On a recent visit, I saw two seven-year-olds performing a kidney transplant."
"They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?"
“People who see life as anything other than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
There's a message window that comes up on my computer screen whenever I type a command the computer doesn’t like. It says, "Fuck you, I don’t do that."
“When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic. I'm an acrostic. I'm puzzled by the whole thing.”
"Stick around. China's gonna win it all."
And if you have time, sit back for ten minutes and appreciate the sheer preparation and practice required to pull off his legendary (and NSFW) set about those 7 famous words. Like a vuvuzela to the ears of the Puritan.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Note: Contrary to popular belief, there are indeed lots of atheists in foxholes. I've got a bunch in my backyard right now. Beat it, you godless lawn wreckers!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Canada Day: 9
Earliest date by which Canada will re-open its border with the U.S. for non-essential travel: 7/21/21
Percent of Americans, according to Gallup polling, who believed that gay and lesbian relationships are "morally acceptable" in 2001 and 2021, respectively: 40%, 69%
Percent who believed sex between unmarried partners was fine in 2001 and 2021, respectively: 53%, 73%
Percent of citizens in 16 European and southeast Asian countries polled by Pew Research who believe the United States has ceased being a good role model of democracy in recent years: 57%
Vote of the Connecticut Senate to legalize recreational marijuana, a bill Gov. Ned Lamont says he'll sign: 16-11
Percent chance that firefighters say electric-car fires are "like trick candles and a nightmare" to extinguish, according to NBC News: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Virginia, Harley the goldendoodle saves Bambi…
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CHEERS to a heaping helping of Big Apple pie. Today's primary day in New York City, when we'll (eventually) find out which hardscrabble, subway-taking candidate who tawks like dis got the biggest slice of the votes in the mayor's race. It's been a barrel of comity and fair play, as usual, by which I of course mean…
…a tumultuous election race marred by allegations of sexual misconduct, by the staff of one campaign launching a protest against their own candidate, and by accusations that at least one of the mayoral hopefuls doesn’t actually live in the city. […]
A brighter spot for many has been the introduction of ranked choice voting for the first time in New York City, although the roll out has not been without its problems.
Some Black political leaders have criticized the system, suggesting voters of color were less likely to receive adequate information about how ranked choice works, and less likely to engage in ranking candidates.
So who will win the chance to work the "second-toughest job in America"? Will it be the former cop? The former comptroller? The former HUD guy? The former social services CEO? The former financial guy? The former sanitation commissioner? The former Citigroup executive? The former presidential candidate? Or will Big Appleonians throw up their callused, workaday hands and go with—[checks notes]—Paperboy Love Prince, the 28-year-old activist with the 13-year-old campaign manager who believes homework is unconstitutional. In the immortal words of the late Francis Albert Sinatra: "It’s up to you."
JEERS to predetermined outcomes. Speaking of elections…
[Pauses to accept Special Pulitzer for Greatest Segue of All Time]
…Iran held their presidential election last week. The ballots and purple fingers have been counted, and the results have been certified by the guy who, if he doesn’t certify them the way he's told, will find himself buried up to his neck next to an ant hill. It's very exciting. Iran's new leader is totally different. Instead of being a stooge for the grand ayatollah who wears a white turban, he's a stooge for the grand ayatollah who wears a black turban. I just hope the country can adapt to that kind of change so quickly.
P.S. Good news on the diplomatic front. There's been a major breakthrough in negotiations to get the Iran nuclear agreement back on track: they all agree that the shape of the negotiating table will be a dodecahedron. The carpenters should have it finished by 2023. Then they’ll discuss the shape of the chairs.
CHEERS to supporting the troops. 77 years ago today, President Roosevelt—he of the super-awesome Democratic Party—signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home.
The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
The result was the GI Bill.
Now widely credited with creating the post-war middle class, the GI Bill of Rights provided returning veterans with educational benefits, work training, hiring preferences, and subsidized loans for buying homes, businesses and farms. It continues today to be one of the lasting legacies of the Roosevelt administration.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what George W. Bush (remember him?) wanted to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to being born! A hearty "Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels" to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who turned [hffrrhffrrhrrr] today. Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep her from getting elected to the seat once occupied by the mighty Ted Kennedy, and it's easy to see why: her brains, common sense and willingness to expose the banksters and Trumpbots as the scum-sucking vampire squids they are have made her the ideological North Star for the Democratic party and a huge swath of independents.
Our official C&J birthday gift to Senator Warren, as she continues her battle against the Republican forces of evil: a new pair of shoes with spikes in the toes. (Use them for good, ma’am. Only for good.)
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. And then there's this little bit of scientific wankery, courtesy of the Catholic Church (the American branch of which is now trying to deny President Biden communion for not being Republican enough). On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, y’know, busy with stuff.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 22, 2011
CHEERS to silver linings. Well, Maine’s Tea Party Republican governor did it—he signed the repeal of the same-day voter registration law that was originally passed by Republicans 38 years ago. This is just one of many such voter-suppression acts being foisted on states across the country under the bogus guise of "protecting voters." But the law will never take effect because of that love-it/hate-it mechanism in our state known as the citizens veto referendum:
Organizers of the people's veto campaign will have 90 days after the Legislature adjourns to gather signatures of registered Maine voters. They will need valid signatures totaling at least 10 percent of the ballots cast in the most recent gubernatorial election—about 58,000. The law is scheduled to take effect this fall, but the portion being challenged will be suspended if the petition is filed before then.
The signatures will be gathered. The referendum will pass. The law will go away. Republicans will put on an embarrassing display of phony outrage. And voter fraud will continue…….to not happen. [6/22/21 Update: They were. It did. It did. They did. It still does…….not.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to…Brett Kavanaugh? Yesterday the Supreme Court unanimously—and finally—dealt a blow to the NCAA's stranglehold on their "workforce," namely the college students who play their games and make them boatloads of money, but aren't allowed to share in the profits. According to NBC News, the Court "...said the NCAA violated antitrust laws when it limited the amount students could receive for musical instruments, scientific equipment, postgraduate scholarships, tutoring, academic awards and paid internships." And although Neil Gorsuch wrote the opinion, Brett Kavanaugh got the accolades on social media for taking a moment to put pen to parchment without coming off like an ogre with mad cow:
I don’t know which is more astonishing: that the NCAA just got a piece of their head handed to them, or that Captain Beer Pong wrote something somewhat lucid. I guess we'll have to leave it up to future generations. Because writing something positive about that guy is futzing my brain circuits.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“It is essential as a scientist that you evolve your opinion and your recommendations based on what's floating in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. And that’s the reason why I say people who then criticize me about that are actually criticizing Bill in Portland Maine.”
—Dr. Anthony Fauci
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