I’m no fancy head doctor like Ben Carson, but I think I need to install an emergency stent in my brain to safely vent the schadenfreude after reading this story about Donald Trump’s foul mood in the wake of his latest colossal face-plant.
As we all know, Trump ruins everything. That apparently includes his daughter’s wedding and Republicans’ chances of persuading a majority of Americans ever to back them again. Meanwhile, he’s licking his wounds as if they were dribbling heavenly nectar instead of rancid nougat and inky black orc blood.
Gott im Himmel, it is glorious.
So Trump’s daughter Tiffany is getting married on Saturday, and Donald’s mind is naturally fixated on himself. CNN has all the sordid details:
[E]ven though Tropical Storm Nicole is moving on, the Trumps may still be in for some tumult over the weekend. They’re gathering as their patriarch makes moves toward a 2024 presidential run, a prospect not everyone in the family is excited about. Some of them are signaling they don’t want to be involved much, if at all, sources close to the family tell CNN.
Three people familiar with the former president’s activities say he is not in the best of spirits. Many of the high-profile candidates he endorsed in the midterms failed to secure a win, and now some Republicans are whispering about his dwindling influence over the party. Trump is “cranky,” says one of the people.
Uh-huh. Let us know when Trump isn’t “cranky.” The dude’s got the longest case of diaper rash in the celebrated history of unsightly skin blotches. But hey, Tiffany’s in luck! Trump is far more interested at the moment in ruining all of our lives instead of hers!
At present, say those who are familiar, Trump is more focused on his “special announcement” on Tuesday, when he may – or may not – announce his planned third run for the presidency. His mind is consumed with the 2024 political landscape and where and how he will fit into it.
Oy, that’s not good. Normally when Donald Trump attends a wedding, the hosts’ biggest worry is that he’ll show up in a flowing white dress to take attention away from the bride. In this case, there’s nearly a metaphysical certitude he’ll use his toast to whine at length about the 2020 election.
CNN also says two sources claim Trump has been “on the outs” with his wife, Melania, whom Trump reportedly blamed for making him endorse Dr. Mehmet Oz, who mysteriously lost his Senate bid despite being a world-class snake oil salesman.
The report also notes that Donald’s No. 1 daughter, Ivanka, has no interest in politics pretending to be interested in politics anymore. Nor does the smarmy pillar of fancy wallpaper paste she’s married to.
“[Ivanka] would never go back to that life,” one source told CNN. “She knows it’s not something that would serve her or her family at this point.”
What? That just leaves Don Jr. and Eric. And Mike Lindell. And Fiddle-Drawers Giuliani. At this rate, Trump will be filling out his cabinet with whoever sends in the most Count Chocula boxtops. That’s assuming he wins, of course. Which he can’t. Because while God’s quite the practical joker, there’s no way in hell He’d be that cruel. Is there?
So enjoy the weekend, big guy. And look on the bright side. The daughter who’s getting married isn’t the one you want to date. So this will have no emotional impact on you whatsoever, and you can direct all your rage at whatever fool thought Dr. Oz would be a good senatorial candidate.
That’s you, by the way—in case you somehow haven’t figured that out yet.
And here you thought the midterms were over. Oh, no. Raphael Warnock is still defending his Senate seat, and what happens next could determine control of the chamber for the next two years. If you can—and if you aren’t too tired of saving America—rush a donation to Warnock now. Let’s finish up strong!
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.