Will of the People
Today marks the anniversary of "cowboy philosopher" Will Rogers’ death at 55 in a plane crash in Alaska. In 1935 Franklin Roosevelt (whom he supported) had only been in office for two years and my parents were still in diapers. Huge Hollywood star, razor-sharp pundit, record-holding lasso artist, reporter, and one of the best things to come from Oklahoma. Here are some of his observations that ring as true today as they did nearly a century ago:
» "Remember, write to your Congressman. Even if he can’t read, write to him."
» “When the judgment day comes, civilization will have an alibi: ‘I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with.’”
» "I guess our country holds the record for dumbness. The Pope spoke to the world this morning in three languages and we didn’t understand a one of ’em. But the minute he finished and the local stations got back to selling corn salve and pyorrhea toothpaste we were right up our intellectual alley again."
Continued...
» "Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat."
» "I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons."
» "People want just taxes more than they want lower taxes. They want to know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to his wealth."
» "One thing about Republican presidents: They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says, 'Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.'"
» "Our distribution of wealth is getting more uneven all the time. A man can make a million and he is on every page in the morning. But it never tells you who gave up that million he got."
» “Most people and actors appearing on the stage have some writer write their material. I don’t do that. Congress is good enough for me. They’ve been writing my material for years.”
» "If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world."
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 15, 2022
Note: Cheers and Jeers is now 100% recyclable. Just bag up the pixels and leave them by the curb along with your regular recycling. We’ll use them in the production of tires, roofing material, ferret earmuffs and semiconductors. Together we can make a difference. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 85
Days 'til the EastMont Tomato Festival in Shawsville, Virginia: 5
Drop in gas prices since their June peak: $1.05
Expected increase in Social Security benefits next year based on the current state of inflation, the biggest boost since 1981: 9.6%
Date on which New Zealand started allowing the return of cruise ships after two years of Covid-related restrictions: 8/12/22
Year Johnson & Johnson will stop making their baby powder with talc, and replace it with recycled C&J pixels corn starch: 2023
Age of Red's Dairy Freeze in South Portland, Maine as of this year: 70
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday be startin’ out like...
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CHEERS to the difference 'tween they'uns and us'uns. Good morning! Happy Monday! We hope you had a nice weekend. Now…where were we? Oh, yes, I remember now—the Democrats were having a very good week and the Republicans were having a very bad one. To summarize:
Democrats had just gotten the veteran burn pit-exposure bill signed into law…along with the CHIPS semiconductor production act. The House approved the Inflation Reduction Act (aka Mini-BBB) and sent it to President Biden's desk. Gas prices and inflation were dropping while Biden's approval numbers were rising. Finland and Sweden got our OK to join NATO. FiveThirtyEight upped its midterm forecast, giving Dems a 61% chance of keeping control of the Senate.
Republicans had just gotten word that their false idol's Florida pleasure palace was the scene of a warrant-authorized search and seizure operation by the FBI, and the 45th president was officially under investigation for multiple counts of stealing and hoarding (and possibly selling) classified documents related to our nuclear weapons program. If convicted, he could spend decades in prison.
But other than that, it was very quiet. After all, nothing happens in August, silly.
CHEERS to pouring more cement. Happy Infrastructure Week…again! It's been nine months since President Biden signed the bipartisan infrastructure bill into law, and never has a transportation secretary been as busy as Pete Buttigieg, the boy wonder from South Bend who seems to know what he's doing. (Versus, say, the last one, Mrs. Mitch McConnell, whose main accomplishment while in office was building a new drawbridge in front of her bank vault.) Late last week he announced that another sizable chunk of Marxist socialism is breaking ground:
U.S. transportation officials announced $2.2 billion [in grants] for local infrastructure projects on Thursday, paving the way for new bridges, roads, bike lanes, railways and ports in scores of communities across the country.
Buttigieg traveled to Arizona to highlight projects in Phoenix and Tucson, each of which are receiving the maximum of $25 million. In Phoenix, the money will help build a new bike and pedestrian bridge over the Rio Salado, connecting the city's southern area with downtown. In Tucson, the money will revamp a prominent street and replace a 1960s-era vehicle bridge that's in poor condition. It also will add a separate bicycle and pedestrian bridge as part of what Mayor Regina Romero called "a transformative investment in Tucson's infrastructure."
A total of 166 projects across the country are getting a slice of the $2.2 billion. The funding marks a significant increase from the $983 million distributed among 90 projects in 2021.
Sadly, nothing for the C&J kiddie pool. I must've forgot to dot an i on the form. Bad Billy. No champagne rack this year. Sorry.
CHEERS to America's favorite safety net. 87 years ago this week, in 1935, President Franklin Roosevelt gave us one less thing to fear by signing the Social Security Act into law, saying:
"We can never insure one hundred percent of the population against one hundred percent of the hazards and vicissitudes of life, but we have tried to frame a law which will give some measure of protection to the average citizen and to his family against the loss of a job and against poverty-ridden old age. […]
The law will flatten out the peaks and valleys of deflation and of inflation. It is, in short, a law that will take care of human needs and at the same time provide for the United States an economic structure of vastly greater soundness."
Today a substantial portion of the Republican base loves to criticize Social Security as the brainchild of a dirty effing socialist hippie. But they sure do love getting their dirty socialist hippie checks in the mail. And they sure love to complain that their socialist hippie checks ain't big enough. And they sure love to leap to its defense by telling their own party to “keep your government hands off my Social Security.” Yes, when it comes to money, Republicans are all about the love. Those dirty effing hippies.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to an artery's worst best friend. 111 years ago today, in 1911, obedient and properly submissive American housewives across the country swooned to the sound of Crisco (short for "crystallized cottonseed oil") glopping into their frying pans and mixing bowls as Procter & Gamble brought it to market.
Over a hundred years later, Americans still love it because it lets them enjoy so many sinful foods. And cardiologists love it because it lets them enjoy so many brand-new Porsches.
JEERS to a whole lotta slithering goin' on. Did you hear about that huge snake in Florida? They say it's a major menace to the state because it pretty much swallows everything in its path, leaving nothing behind but destruction and snake shit. But enough about Governor DeSantis. They're also having problems with pythons. How can you tell the difference between the two? DeSantis wears a tie.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 15, 2012
CHEERS to love in the Pine Tree State. Maine Senator Susan Collins got married over the weekend to Tom Daffron, who is—big surprise—a D.C. lobbyist. They would've gotten hitched sooner, but someone put an anonymous hold on the wedding. (Coburn…must you spoil everything???) Anyway, here's a song in honor of the happy couple…
Susan and Tom
Sittin' in a tree…
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes BABIES BABIES BABIES BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT PROCREATION!!! NOW GET TO IT AND PRODUCE A BAKER'S DOZEN OF CHITLINS OR YOU'RE BOTH GOIN' TO HELL!!!
Sorry. Me and my conservative Christian values get a little carried away sometimes.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the whitest guy ever to be "born a poor black child." Belated happy birthday to Steve Martin, who was a spry 30 when I first heard his stand-up act (via long-play cassette) at 12 and laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe, and who is now an elder statesman of comedy at 77. Besides being an award-winning banjo picker, having a hit single (King Tut), hosting the Oscars and SNL, starring in a boatload of popular movies, and writing best-selling books, an Oscar-nominated screenplay (Roxanne), and sketches for the legendary Smothers Brothers, what has he contributed to society? While we're trying to think of something, watch this…
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Sorry, Steve, but I'm still drawin' a blank. Happy birthday, anyway.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I have been ashamed to hear members of my party attacking the integrity of Bill in Portland Maine. These are sickening comments that put the lives of a patriotic public servant at risk."
—Rep. Liz Cheney
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