Late Night Snark: MAGA in Disarray Edition
"Yesterday was election day, and Democrats had a surprisingly strong night in Republican-leaning states like Kentucky, Ohio, and Virginia. It's odd. It's like hearing that BTS swept every category at tonight's Country Music Awards."
—Jimmy Fallon
"[Yusef Salaam], one of the guys falsely accused of attacking a Central Park jogger and who Donald Trump said should get the death penalty is now a city councilman. He went from having his life threatened by Trump to being an elected representative—he's like a reverse Mike Pence. And to this man, who has overcome so much and still has the selflessness and strength of character to run around and serve this city that falsely imprisoned him, I just want to say: when are you gonna do something about the jack-hammering?!! My taxes pay your salary, buddy! Fix the subways!"
—The Daily Show guest host Sarah Silverman
Continued below, but not before I caution you to read all the poll options carefully...
You are now below the fold. Please: no capes.
"A long last the actors strike is now over. The Hallmark Channel immediately started shooting all 1,200 of its Christmas movies this morning."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Texas senator Ted Cruz said in a new interview that he plans to run for president again someday and added, 'I loved running for president in 2016. We came incredibly close. We came within inches of winning.' I guess in the same way that the moon is within 16 billion inches of the earth."
—Seth Meyers
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“So proud to have my book Shopgirl banned in Collier County, Florida! Now people who want to read it will have to buy a copy!”
—Steve Martin, after his 2005 book was among 300+ pulled from Collier County, Florida Public School libraries in the wake of a new law making it easier to challenge books with “sexual conduct.”
"Mike Pence officially ended his presidential campaign. He made the decision after he consulted with God and God said, Dude, you're embarrassing both of us."
—Michael Che, SNL
"If Mike Johnson doesn’t want his son to masturbate, why did he name him Jack? … Seriously, don’t use an app to find out if your son is masturbating. Just do it the old-fashioned way: see if his sock shatters like an icicle."
—Sarah Silverman, on the new Christo-fascist House Speaker's admission that he shares a porn-surveillance app with his 17-year-old son
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 10, 2023
Note: If you're still waiting in line to vote in last Tuesday’s elections, stay in line—EVERY VOTE COUNTS. Thank you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 13
Days 'til the Mountain Mandarin Festival in Auburn, California: 7
Number of Philadelphia mayors in the city’s history when Cherelle Parker takes the oath of office after winning her election Tuesday: 100
Number of women previously elected mayor there: 0
Number of military veterans who called Maine home as of the 2020 U.S. Census, equal to 9.7% of our adult population: 105,385
Number of alleged Gambino crime family members charged this week with racketeering conspiracy, extortion, and witness retaliation: 10
Percent chance that a metal baseball bat is a piece of evidence being presented by the prosecution: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: You speak to your mom with that mouth???
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CHEERS to our men and women in uniform. Tomorrow is Veterans Day. The memory of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (the latter mercifully ended by President Biden in 2021) have burned into this country's brain the fact that military service is a grueling, unpredictable and uncompromising challenge that often means paying a heavy and unexpected price in the pursuit of politician-selected goals that are not always noble or necessary. The military is where we go to become trained killers-of-bad-people and destroyer-of-bad-things in defense of our country, while at the same time serving as de facto U.S. ambassadors when we're on foreign turf. And while we could go on and on about how our armed forces have been kicking ass for over 247 years—not to mention how three years ago we replaced a Commander-in-Chief who referred to our military as "losers" and "suckers" with a new one who ends his speeches with "May God protect our troops”—we'll leave it, as always, at a simple…
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CHEERS to union power! With the writers guild strike in the rear-view mirror (spoiler: the writers won), it was time to resolve the months-old actors strike. From the sounds of it, SAG-AFTRA tamed the greedy studio heads:
In a letter to members, SAG-AFTRA said the deal "includes 'above-pattern' minimum compensation increases, unprecedented provisions for consent and compensation that will protect members from the threat of AI, and for the first time establishes a streaming participation bonus." The union also said it had secured increases to its pension and health caps and "outsize compensation increases for background performers." […]
Aaaaaaand...scene!
The AMPTP said in a statement that Wednesday's deal "represents a new paradigm" that "gives SAG-AFTRA the biggest contract-on-contract gains in the history of the union, including the largest increase in minimum wages in the last forty years; a brand new residual for streaming programs; extensive consent and compensation protections in the use of artificial intelligence; and sizable contract increases on items across the board."
Now that the writers and actors are happily back to work creating fresh movies and TV shows, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and get happily back to work complaining about how crappy they are.
P.S. Also celebrating a victory, before a strike was even necessary: the 25,000-member-strong Las Vegas Culinary Workers Union. I hope you’re keeping track of all these union wins, Time magazine Person(s) of the Year committee.
CHEERS to crossing another item off the ol' bucket canvas bag list. Raise your hand if you've always dreamed of looking up and seeing a tool bag being chased by the International Space Station. No, I'm not drunk. I'm just reporting the facts:
Last week astronauts dropped a toolbag while repairing external parts of the International Space Station (ISS). As we reported, the bag has been picked by trackers of space junk under the code 58229/1998-067WC, and its orbit calculated. It turns out there is more to the story, however, because you don’t need a high-powered telescope to see it, just darkish skies and a pair of binoculars. […]
If found, please drop in any mailbox. Return postage guaranteed.
The bag is moving at almost exactly the same speed as the ISS on the same path and about a minute ahead of it. Although it’s expected to remain visible for a few months before its orbit becomes low enough that it burns up from friction with the outer atmosphere, the distance from the ISS will grow, making it harder to find.
To find out when you can see the great space race between the L wrenches and the laboratory, you can find out at NASA's ISS tracking site. And please note that, due to the wayward tool bag, repairs to the Jewish space laser will be postponed. Until then, the Episcopalian pancake cannon will dispense justice in its place.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS and "Alki!" to the Evergreen State. Washington was admitted as our 42nd state on November 11, 1889. It's a very cool state—pot has been legal for a long time, the government is Big D, and Seattle is like the upper-left thumbtack that keeps our country's map from curling down towards the red states in the middle. To mark the occasion, some people might enjoy biting into a nice juicy Washington apple. Here, help yourself…
Personally, I prefer to drink mine. Mainly because noshing on healthy food gives my liver a false sense of hope.
CHEERS to home vegetation. I can't decide if I should spend the weekend soaking in a nice borax bath to suck the government nanotechnology out of my pores, or watch some TV. If the latter, there are few odds and ends worth watching, starting with the MSNBC lineup for the latest news updates. A fresh episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! airs at 8 on the CW. Jon Stewart hosts A Veterans Day Celebration at 9 on PBS.
Opens nationwide today to rave reviews. Paul Giamatti’s turn to finally win an Oscar?
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. If, like me, you’re a fan of Albert Brooks, Rob Reiner’s documentary on him—Defending My Life—airs tomorrow night at 8 on HBO. Timothee Chalamet hosts SNL, and by law that means you must “tune in for a swoon-in.”
Russia’s war on Ukraine’s heritage is the lead story Sunday on 60 Minutes, along with a report on Iran’s hired assassins. Marge’s heart gets broken by a bad birthday present on The Simpsons, and on Family Guy Stewie finds a mini fridge and lives the dorm lifestyle. Then John Oliver returns for a fresh post-election edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight (Sunday, 11pm).
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Face the Nation: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Senator Mark Warner (D-VA); Rep. Michael McCaul (MAGA Cult-TX).
Enjoy your Sunday morning with a steaming hot cuppa...
Meet the Press: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Democrats romped to victories Tuesday, so who does CNN book? Not the DNC chair, but RNC chair Mitt Romney’s Niece. Great work, CNN. Plus: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; former Maryland Governor and persona non grata in his own party Larry Hogan; David Axelrod threatens to jump out of a window if Democrats don’t swap out Joe Biden with Oprah.
This Week: Jake Sullivan; Gov. Wes Moore (D-MD); Reps. Jared Moskowitz (D-FL) and Mike Lawler (MAGA Cult-NY).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Nikki Haley (MAGA); Senator Mark Warner (D-VA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 10, 2013
CHEERS to fewer idle hands. John Boehner likes to ask, "Mr. President, where are the jobs?" Well, Mr. Speaker who hasn't created a single job since taking the gavel, here's your answer: In big surprise, government reports economy added 204,000 jobs in October. Plus the jobs numbers for August and September were adjusted upward. So there ya go, Boehner. Now you can go back to doing your job, which mostly consists of not doing your job. Heckuva job.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the software revolution. On November 10, 1983, back when I was still banging out term papers on my REALLY LOUD Smith Corona electric typewriter, Microsoft introduced Version 1.0 of its Windows operating system. It wouldn’t actually be released until 1985, but the spark was...um...sparked. Wanna see something hilarious? Here's over-caffeinated former CEO Steve Ballmer selling Windows 1.0 (the last line is priceless):
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To mark the occasion, tonight the C&J cafeteria will be dishing out our famous Fatal Error Casserole served at exactly 404 degrees.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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