Never Gets Old
If I got a nickel for every time I’ve pointed out that there is no furniture of their own making that Republicans won’t bump into, I could comfortably retire. Lack of self-awareness, thy name is MAGA...
Bless their hearts.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 31, 2023
Note: I have this fear that when we die and go to Heaven we'll find out that God really underestimated how many of us there'd be and made the place the size of Rhode Island with only one bathroom. Smooth move, pal.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of LGBTQ Pride Month: 1
Days 'til the Empire Asparagus Festival in Michigan: 3
Attendance last year at America's National Parks, the busiest season ever: 312 million
Number of times on Memorial Day that President Biden followed his predecessor’s example by calling service members losers and suckers: 0
Age of Ukraine’s capital Kyiv as of last weekend: 1,541
Weekend box office gross (U.S. + International) of Disney's new live-action version of The Little Mermaid, the 5th-highest Memorial Day weekend opener of all time: $186 million
Percent chance that the Pink-edged Sulphur is now Maine's official butterfly: 100%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 5 marks of the beast and 1 unsolicited lesson on how lying to your mom leads to murder). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, at the other trial of the century…
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CHEERS to taking a victory lap….with a twist! Forgive me if I'm not in the mood quite yet to dive back into the debt ceiling and all the other insufferable man (yes, man)-made messes plaguing the world. On the other hand, I'm definitely in the mood to give this li'l nipper a fist bump…
Ralph Yarl—a Black teenager who was shot in the head and arm after mistakenly ringing the wrong doorbell—walked at a brain injury awareness event in his first major public appearance since the shooting. The 17-year-old suffered a traumatic brain injury when he was shot while trying to pick up his younger brothers in April, the Kansas City Star reported.
Yarl walked with family, friends and other brain injury survivors Monday at Going the Distance for Brain Injury, a yearly Memorial Day race at Loose Park in Kansas City, Missouri.
And now here's the twist: yesterday, coincidentally, a couple of women parked across the street illegally and suspiciously. Shortly after, I heard rustling and talking at our back door. (No one ever goes to our back door.) I went down and asked if I could help the strangers. It turns out they were at the wrong house, so we had a chuckle over it and I directed them to the right house before wishing them a good day. And you know what happened next? I didn’t shoot them! Gosh, that was easy.
JEERS to turbulent times ahead. Here we go again. Enjoy the next 16 hours, all you gulf- and east-coasters, because the 2023 hurricane season starts at midnight. The NOAA forecast suggests it might not be quite the super-bruiser they predicted last year:
NOAA forecasters with the Climate Prediction Center, a division of the National Weather Service, predict near-normal hurricane activity in the Atlantic this year.
NOAA’s outlook for the 2023 Atlantic hurricane season, which goes from June 1 to November 30, predicts a 40% chance of a near-normal season, a 30% chance of an above-normal season and a 30% chance of a below-normal season.
NOAA is forecasting a range of 12 to 17 total named storms (winds of 39 mph or higher). Of those, 5 to 9 could become hurricanes (winds of 74 mph or higher), including1 to 4 major hurricanes (category 3, 4 or 5; with winds of 111 mph or higher). NOAA has a 70% confidence in these ranges.
And as a reminder, here are the names associated with the Hurricane Class of 2023 in an easy-to-remember format I’ve created exclusively for C&J readers:
Arlene Dahl, Bret Michaels, Cindy Crawford, Don Pardo, Emily Post, Franklin Roosevelt, Gert Froebe (aka "Goldfinger"), Harold Hill, Idalia onions minus the V, Jose Andres, Katia Starr from Days of Our Lives, Lee Press-on Nails, Margot Robbie, Nigel Tufnel, Ophelia from that Shakespeare play, high-wire artist Philippe Petit, [The Maca]Rina with an i instead of an e, Sean Connery, Tammy Baldwin, Vince Lombardi, Whitney Houston
If the last three letters of the alphabet are needed, NOAA will use the usual "X Marks the Spot," "You've Gotta Be Shitting Me, Another One???" and "Zombie Hurricane Season from Hell.”
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to high times. GREAT NEWS for Hillary supporters! After struggling for what seemed like an eternity, a bruised and battered Hillary finally, finally found a way to reach the top and savor sweet victory despite the crushing odds and skeptics' sneers. It was incredible. The world rejoiced at the sound of Hillary's name!! "Hooray, Hillary, hooray! We love Hillary! Hillary led the way and succeeded!" Yes, it all happened 70 years ago this week, when Sir Edmund Hillary and his Sherpa, Tenzing Norgay, became the first humans to reach the top of Mount Everest. Why are you looking at me like that?
CHEERS to cheers. Michael and I thank you for all the nice comments made here yesterday about our 30th anniversary as official ambassadors to Sodom and Gomorrah. But how strange that we didn’t get a greeting card from Franklin Graham, James Dobson or Tony Perkins. Probably got lost in the mail. IMPEACH LOUIS DEJOY!!!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 31, 2013
CHEERS to things I spy with my little eye. A giant asteroid, towing its own moon behind it, came perilously close to earth a couple hours ago. What I saw was a dark, imposing, and cruel mass made of rock and capable of inflicting extreme and heartless damage to our world and way of life. Then I swiveled my telescope away from Capitol Hill and took a look at the giant asteroid.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who classed up the republic. Here's your brain food for the day, courtesy of birthday boy Walt Whitman, born May 31, 1819:
“This is what you shall do;
Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
Oh, waitress? I’ll have what he’s having.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I’ve talked to a lot of important people—Supreme Court justices, presidents, presidential candidates, brilliant people. And talking with Bill in Portland Maine is really the most impressive conversation I’ve had."
—Mark Levin
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