ASSULT OF THE STINGRAY: AN ANECDOTE OF ANGUISH
What you are about to read is a personal anecdote that I have posted on Daily Kos just to see if I can get away with it. Our tale takes place on a beach in Bucerias were I happened to be vacationing with my father, uncle and brother (though my brother didn't play a direct role in anything I'm about to discribe). Oh, and vacation in Spanish is vacaciones, just in case you doubted that I’m really in Mexico. I’ll bet you’re feeling right foolish right about now.
So there I was, waist deep in the ocean, minding my own business and not harassing any of the marine life, when I saw a baby ray jump out of the water. Twice. I thought that was cool and a little cute. Good thing rays are docile creatures that only attack when provoked, I thought to myself. Unfortunately, I was thinking of the mantaray, not of the mantaray's evil twin the bastardray and, as typical Matthew luck would have it, it just so happened to be bastardray hatching season. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain tear across the side of my left foot. My first thought was that I had encountered a sharp rock, but the thought was quickly dismissed as this was not a rocky ocean. Must have been an animal. A crabby crab perhaps? A rock lobstar? Wait, what was it I saw jumping out of the water earlier? Oh shit, those have poison, don't they? I gotta get the hell outta the water!
*Limp* Ow! *Limp* Ow! *Limp* Ow! *Limp* Ow!
Ah, the shower!
*Rinse rinse rinse*
Damn that's a lot of blood. Maybe that's a good thing; the posion is being flushed out of my system. Maybe at this rate it won't get any WORSE! HOLY SHIT, IT GOT SO MUCH WORSE! My entire foot in engulfed in pain! Oh good, there's a lifeguard! Help! Help!
The lifeguard cleans the wound as the pain, gradually at first, then with encreasing speed, travels up my leg. Soon I will become a being of pure pain. A creature composed entirely of angoy, incapable of experiencing or comprehending anything but the yearning for death's cold embrace. The lifeguard finishes and I start limping to the hospital.
*Limp, limp, limp, limp* Ow, ow, fucking ow!* (At this point, I'm not really limping so much as hopping on one leg.)
"Hello, hospital staff working right near stingray infeated waters. Do you happen to know anything about stingray attacks?"
"No, but we can clean the wound."
...
"...again."
...
"It's what we got. Take it or leave it."
"Alright, alright..."
"We can also administer a shot of pain medication."
"Great! When will it take effect?"
"Never."
"Good enough, I'll take it."
"Okay, the shot goes in your ass by the way."
"Well, that's to be expected at this point."
*Shot*
I get into my new rented wheelchair and padre wheels me to uncle Mark's room where uncle Mark is treated to a nonstop chorus of "KILL ME! KILL ME! AMPUTATE MY LEG...AND KILL ME WITH IT!"
"All this talk wanting to die is getting a little disturbing, Matthew."
"Once I'm dead, you won't have to hear it anymore. Now hurry, kill me! Kill me quick!"
"Just wait, your dad is looking up a solution now."
--Mi padre enters the room looking at his phone--
"So it says here that the stingrey's venom cuases excruciating pain."
"You don't say!"
"I do say. I just said. It also says that their venom is extremely complicared and no antidote has been invented, and that the pain lasts a minimum of four hours, but can go on for weeks, even months."
"KILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME...!!!!"
"But that hot water can make the pain subside."
"KILLMEKI-- okay, let's try that."
"It says the water should be as hot as the patient can tolerate, but in this case it'll have to be as hot as we have access to."
"Which is at least warm."
"Well I wouldn't go so far as to say warm..."
"Not cold."
"That's more accurate."
I limp to the shower swearing that if this doesn't work, I'm going to get a job at Exxon.
Hey, this is really working! Now the only leg pain will be in my right leg from having to support me for however many hours I'm going to be standing here with one foot in the shower. No, there's got to be something better. Oh, I'll take off my clothes and sit in the shower! Ah, that's more like it...I'm board. I wish I could pass the time by reading, but I don't want to get Raymond Chandler soggy. Wait a minute...!
I take the bag out of the miniature trash can and fill it (the can, not the bag) with not cold water. I soak my foot and think about what a good story this make.
Long story short, I'm still vegan, but if I'm ever in a restaurant that serves roasted stingrey, I might be tempted to make an exception.
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