“Just An Ugly Flag With A Christmas Cookie On it”
The Daily Show correspondent Troy Iwata tries to make sense of all the freaky flags flying from the Alito compound. But there’s one that makes total sense, and you’ll never guess what’s on it…
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Meanwhile, here’s a perfect design I found for a new Supreme Court flag:
I can hear Harlan Crow saluting it now.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 29, 2024
Note: Y'know, there's just something about you that rubs me the wrong way. I think it's your Coracoclavicular ligaments.
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til the start of LGBTQ pride month: 3
Days 'til the Great Wisconsin Cheese Festival (”Get Your Cheese On!”) in Little Chute: 2
Number of states in which marijuana is legal: 24
Percent chance that, according to a Carnegie-Mellon report, daily cannabis users now outnumber daily alcohol drinkers: 100%
Level at which air travel—as a percent of pre-pandemic levels—is currently tracking: 112%
Number of airline passengers screened by the TSA last Friday, a new record for a single day: 2.95 million
Number of endangered peregrine falcon chicks that hatched recently in a nest on top of New York's Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge: 3
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 189 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 creepy bedroom Jesus with six toes on his one foot). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Made it, Ma! Top 'o the golden retriever…!"
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JEERS to parting shots. Closing arguments happened yesterday in the election-interference trial of former REPUBLICAN president Donald J. Trump, and we've got an EXCLUSIVE transcript of how the defense summed up the case (followed by the prosecution, in fine fettle, with a five-hour rebuttal) in front of the jury on behalf of their client:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Like a mob lawyer out of Central Casting...
I humbly submit to you that my client, Mr. Trump, is innocent. You must acquit this poor, defenseless man and also the strongest man since Lincoln. Or so help me to f*cking God I will burn your house down, kidnap your children, leave a horse's head in your bed, hack into your bank accounts, and deport your sorry asses to one o' them shithole countries.
If you fail to acquit this innocent little lamb of Christ, I will see to it personally that you'll burn in Hell.
Thank you for your time. MAGA!!!"
We'll file this item under: He sounds nice.
JEERS to previews of coming attractions that we've already previewed. Remember that time when a psychotic two-bit criminal lost the popular vote by a mile and became president anyway? Remember how his predecessor then rushed to preemptively protect our governmental institutions from the psychotic criminal's wrecking ball? Well, the psychotic criminal is running again, and now his might-be predecessor has to run around like the previous predecessor just in case the unthinkable happens and he loses:
The Biden administration is setting up new tripwires for Donald Trump at America’s premier health research agency to safeguard against political interference if Trump wins in November.
Let’s just reelect Joe and avoid the hassle.
The White House fears Trump could try to advance an ideological agenda at the National Institutes of Health, like the ones he’s suggested on everything from vaccines to diversity policies.
In an effort to Trump-proof, NIH has designated an official to identify political meddling in the agency’s work and is tasking a soon-to-be-established scientific integrity council with reviewing those cases. The White House knows Trump could still cast those plans aside but is calculating that doing so will set off alarms with the media, Congress and the public. The Biden administration likely hopes GOP lawmakers, even those who think the NIH needs an overhaul, will temper Trump’s moves.
I dunno. I'm skeptical that a party whose slogan is "Throw Grandma Off A Cliff" is going to temper their response when Trump orders the NIH to move all its research over to studying the effects of throwing grandmas off cliffs. On the other hand: who among us would turn down free government bleach injections? I hear that inside the body it's almost like a cleaning!
CHEERS to the other star-spangled banner. On May 29, 1916, the official flag of the President of the United States was adopted by executive order. And while we’re currently in the middle of a nasty right-side-up vs. upside-down kerfuffle with our national flag, the presidential one once had a bit of a left-right issue back in the day. Via historian David McCullough:
One morning, standing at his desk, [Truman] presented to the press a new presidential flag … “This new flag faces the eagle toward the staff,” Truman explained, “which is looking to the front all the time when you are on the march, and also has him looking at the olive branch for peace, instead of the arrows for war …”
To me it looks like the eagle flew into a window.
Both the flag and presidential seal had been redesigned for the first time since the Wilson years, and Truman meant the shift in the eagle’s gaze to be seen as symbolic of a nation both on the march and dedicated to peace.
Astonishingly, Trump didn’t change it back.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the end of an era. Did you know that today is technically a holiday? Yup…it's "End of the Middle Ages Day." To mark the occasion, despondent Republicans will lower their flag pins to half-lapel.
CHEERS to sending in the cavalry. The Christian nationalists trying to kill reproductive rights at every level have plenty of billionaire benefactors to tap into as they wage their war on women. Thankfully, our side has at least one, and she's loosening the purse strings:
Melinda French Gates will donate $1 billion over the next two years to women and family rights around the globe, including reproductive rights in the post-Dobbs era. “As shocking as it is to contemplate, my 1-year-old granddaughter may grow up with fewer rights than I had,” French Gates wrote in a New York Times op-ed published Tuesday. […]
A billionaire with a heart and conscience? Who knew???
"Despite the pressing need, only about 2% of charitable giving in the United States goes to organizations focused on women and girls, and only about half a percentage point goes to organizations focused on women of color specifically," she added. […]
[She noted] that decades of research "make it clear that investing in women and girls benefit everyone. We know that economies with women’s full participation have more room to grow," she explained. "That women’s political participation is associated with decreased corruption. That peace agreements are more durable when women are involved in writing them. That reducing the time women spend in poor health could add as much as $1 trillion to the global economy by 2040."
In response, Republican-controlled legislatures in red states will call special sessions to immediately pass a law banning the transference of Melinda French Gates money across state lines. Message: they care.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 29, 2014
CHEERS and JEERS to the world's top cop on patrol. As if to prove that the situation in Afghanistan is still really dangerous, President Obama flew in to Bagram Air Force Base Sunday the only safe way he could: fast, steep, and unannounced under the cover of darkness...
After a concert from country music star Brad Paisley, Obama spoke before a rally of 32,000 Americans currently serving in Afghanistan. Obama made a bit of news, saying he was hopeful that a new president in Afghanistan would lead to a signed security agreement that would leave a small number of American troops in the country after 2014. That agreement has been elusive under the government of Hamid Karzai. Obama, however, mostly focused on thanking the troops and reminding them about the beginning of America’s longest-running war.
Good for him making the trip to help buck up troop morale. Bad on him for hinting strongly at keeping 10,000 troops there indefinitely, a la Europe, Kuwait, Japan, and South Korea. But most important, Brad Paisley failed to wear a flag pin on his lapel, which is excellent news. It'll keep the Fox News tongues wagging about something besides Benghazi for at least a good half hour.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. I’m told that if I say Beetlejuice three times, a trailer for the long-awaited sequel will magically appear below. Or, y’know, I could just be a boring old codger and go find the embed code at You Tube. Color me cautiously optimistic...
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Opens September 6th no matter how many times you say it.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
‘Sweaty, Deer in the Headlights’: CNN Analyst Tears Apart Bill in Portland Maine’s Handling of Booing Kiddie Pool Splashers
—Mediaite
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