What is left of the conservative movement, other than one long grift?
Here, I’ll show you.
FREEDOM WATER
“It’s not just refreshing,” says the shill, ‘it’s rebellious, and it’s unapologetic to drink this in public.”
So now you know, if you want to drink water in public and not have to apologize to anyone, Freedom 2 O Water is your only choice.
FREEDOM RAZOR BLADES
Do you have a problem with woke taking over your bathroom? Fear not!
Promising to “kick woke out of your bathroom,” Jeremy’s offers freedom blades and shaving gel. What’s so conservative about them? According to Jeremy's site, they're even more conservative than Harry's and Daily Wire, with whom they had a deal. “[A]fter we said that boys are boys and girls are girls, they publicly condemned our views as ‘inexcusable’ and dropped their ads because of what they called “values misalignment,” Jeremy's says on its site. Oh, the free market worked as intended.
What else? “Woke corporations spend all of your money on DEI. We spent it on a better razor,” they proclaim. It’s certainly news that corporate America “spend[s] all your money on DEI.” Someone should check that out.
So there you have it, if a corporation can’t be bigoted, it’s woke. Hence:
FREEDOM BEER
Are you tired of woke beer, with all that delicious bigotry stripped out? Everyone knows that the special ingredient in beer is love hate.
“Classic American Lager,” says the product page. ”Light and crisp enough to enjoy on the boat or golf course all day, full of flavor, and 100% Woke-Free!” Wow! Where do I sign up?
Hmmm, if you want shitty beer, Walmart has Bud Light for $21. But that’s probably full of woke, so I’m sure it’s well worth paying almost $58 to avoid getting any woke cooties on you.
FREEDOM SNEAKERS
An instant classic:
One of Trump’s most amazing characteristics is that despite claiming to be worth billions, he’ll debase himself for the smallest cons. And 1,000 pairs of sneakers at $399 is only $399,000.
They won’t start shipping until July, so we can’t wait to see just how shitty these are when they actually get in people’s hands.
FREEDOM PETS
Be careful not to get any woke into your pets.
“Not all dog food companies prioritize your dog’s well-being. Some companies promote trendy ingredients and expensive recipes like fresh and raw, but these do not necessarily offer proven health benefits for your dog,” says their marketing copy. So please, don’t feed your dogs fresh food. It’s not proven to be healthy. Only stuff that’s been sitting in a warehouse for months will do for your good AMERICAN pet.
“Moreover, many pet food brands use your money to support a progressive political agenda. You can observe this through the release of bug and vegan recipes, which reveals their priorities,” they claim. They then provide a graph with clear, conclusive evidence that whatever recipe those other companies use in their food translates directly to supporting progressive causes. “With Old Guard, you can provide premium nutrition for your dog without compromising your traditional American values.”
You can choose different dog food products like BIG GUNS, ALL AMERICAN, PATRIOT POWER, and BATTLE BISCUITS. The lack of a FREEDOM variety seems like a lost opportunity.
FREEDOM COFFEE
Coffee must have a relatively low bar to entry, because there are A LOT of roasters trying to ride the MAGA grift train. Like this one:
“Blackout Coffee was founded in Florida in 2018 because we were tired of giving our money to coffee companies that didn’t share our values,” they claim. “Our brand is bigger than just coffee. We are a purpose-driven company that acknowledges the people and traditions that make our country great. We are known for supporting traditional American values, military, first-responders, and hard-working people all across the country.”
One thing missing from all their marketing materials? The source of their coffee, because uh-oh, then they can’t be “all-American.” Admitting their goods come from south of the border would be disqualifying.
FREEDOM BANK
Is Wall Street too woke for you? Of course it is! Luckily, you have options:
Do they honor the privacy and liberty to make your own health care choices? Get out of here, that’s woke.
Do they honor the freedom to read whatever books you want? Nope. Gotta burn the bad ones.
What about security from extreme weather patterns that are making it impossible to insure homes in many parts of Florida and California? Nope. Global climate change is woke.
But they will actively recruit Jan. 6 insurrectionists, because, you know, “liberty.”
I hope you enjoyed this taste of the conservative anti-woke grifting ecosystem! Personally, I support it wholeheartedly. The more they overspend on this stuff, the less they have to give to political organizations and causes.
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