Potent Quotables
This week’s Top 10…
“Our species needs, and deserves, a citizenry with minds wide awake and a basic understanding of how the world works.”
—Carl Sagan
“If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it at election times.”
—Mark Twain
“Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing.”
—Data
“If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about Republicans.”
—Adlai Stevenson
“Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he’s Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.”
—Author-historian Ted Morgan
“How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have that dangerous beak.”
—Jack Handy
“How can one conceive of a one-party system in a country that has over two hundred varieties of cheese?”
—Charles de Gaulle
“The trouble with born-again Christians is that they’re an even bigger pain the second time around.”
—San Francisco columnist Herb Caen
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
—Steven Wright
“No matter how corrupt, greedy, and heartless our government, our corporations, our media, and our religious and charitable institutions may become, the music will still be wonderful.”
—Kurt Vonnegut
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 10, 2024
Note: In the event that a garden party suddenly springs up around you, Cheers and Jeers can be printed out and taped together to form an attention-grabbing pair of unisex leisure slacks. Enjoy!
—Hugs, Heloise
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Festivus: 166
Days 'til Picklesburgh in Pittsburgh: 8
Consecutive months, as of June, during which a heat record was set on Planet Earth: 13
Opposition to the MAGA cult's "Project 2025" plan among Americans who don't know much about it, according to Navigator polling: 49%
Percent who oppose it when they are given details on 19 of its goals for eliminating American democracy in favor of Christian male white supremacy: 63%
Percent of French voters who cast ballots by 5pm Sunday, 20 points higher than in 2022: 59.7%
The last year French participation in an election was that high: 1981
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 4 plagues and 1 float that makes the whole parade worth watching). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: With bonus Paul Anka…
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CHEERS to takesie backsies: Badger State edition. Remember that time last year when the Wisconsin Supreme Court had an open seat, and voters tipped the majority from a MAGA one to a liberal one because, among other things, voter rights were hanging in the balance? They weren't joking. And thanks to the addition of Janet Protasiewicz, the tree of judicial sanity is bearing fruit:
The Wisconsin Supreme Court ruled 4-3 to reinstate secure ballot drop boxes ahead of the 2024 elections, overturning a2022 decision from the court’s then-conservative majority that prohibited the popular method of returning absentee ballots. […]
Justice Protasiewicz’s election halped save Wisconsin.
The [plaintiffs] contended that the state Supreme Court erred in deciding Teigen v. Wisconsin Elections Commission—the 2022 case in which right-wing litigants prevailed in arguing that Wisconsin law does not authorize the use of drop boxes. The Teigen ruling concluded that state law exclusively allows voters to return absentee ballots via mail or in person to a municipal clerk, effectively barring the use of drop boxes statewide.
Liberal Justice Ann Walsh Bradley—the author of [Friday's]majority opinion — agreed with the voting rights groups’ arguments against Teigen, holding that the decision “was unsound in principle” and that Wisconsin law “allows the use of ballot drop boxes.”
So now casting ballots in the 2024 election will be easier in this crucial swing state…for all voters. And to make sure the playing field is guaranteed level, MAGA voters can visit any Secretary of State's office for detailed instructions on how to slip a piece of paper into a slot.
CHEERS to voices of reason. When it comes to the 2024 Democratic presidential nominee, I will take my cue from Black Americans, who have literally been the saving grace in more recent elections than I can count. And the biggest cue yet is from the Congressional Black Caucus, which held a call with President Biden Monday, and came away more committed than ever to supporting him in the fight against the MAGA Nazi Fake-Jesus party:
"We appreciate him reaching out and having this conversation continuing to engage with members," Congressional Black Caucus Chair Steven Horsford said.
If Rep. Clyburn’s all-in for Joe, so am I.
"We recognize—I do—that he is the presumptive nominee, and we have a lot of work todo defeat Donald Trump."
One caucus member described it as a "great" call and said Mr. Biden was "clear, coherent, concise, committed."
"He found a great deal of support within the zoom meeting," said the lawmaker, who dismissed talk of removing the president from the ticket as "ridiculous."
"We're with him," the lawmaker said.
Gee, a guy runs for office on a slate of promises that he keeps, while pulling the country out of a pandemic, reviving the economy, creating jobs, shoring up relations with our allies, and making life a twisted ball of frustration for our enemies…and this is the thanks he gets? I can only come to one conclusion: I'm taking my cue from the right people.
CHEERS to a pleasant jaunt to the Great White North. 66 years ago this week, in 1958, last decent Republican president Dwight Eisenhower spent some face time cavorting with Canadian Prime Minister John Diefenbaker and his liberal socialist commie pinko soulmates in Parliament. I could watch old newsreels like this all freakin' day long…
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By the way, it was during this summit that Ike uttered his most famous words: "What does a five-star general have to do to get a Molson around here, launch an invasion?" Fortunately Diefenbaker kept a spare pair of underpants in the trunk of his car.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the 44th state. On July 10, 1890, Wyoming—the "Equality State"—joined the union. I've always felt a mysterious connection to Wyoming. This might explain it:
The post office in Bill, Wyoming. I wish to be buried under it. (Disclaimer: Only when I’m dead.)
Wyoming is home to Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Teton, and Dick Cheney. Oh well...two outta three ain't bad.
CHEERS to honorary Martians-in-training. A team of scientists just finished up a year and two weeks in an endurance simulation—code named Dune Alpha—that is part of the preparation for a human expedition to Mars:
Kelly Haston, Anca Selariu, Ross Brockwell and Nathan Jones were greeted by a round of applause over the weekend as they emerged from the 1,700-square-foot, 3D-printed habitat at the Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. […]
Home sweet home.
The program was set up to research how crew members would respond to the conditions and constraints of a year-long mission, with NASA saying they could send astronauts to Mars as soon as the 2030s. … Simulated spacewalks, robotic operations, habitat maintenance, exercise and crop growth were among the crewmembers' daily activities during the mission. […]
There were no fresh food deliveries, so the team members were limited to prepackaged, shelf-stable foods and the ability to grow some crops during the mission.
Everything went well under the tough circumstances and they expressed relief that they'd be able to get back to the joys of living in the real world. Then they heard that Donald Trump was one of two people in the running to become the most powerful person in the world, went back inside, and wedged a chair under the door handle.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 10, 2014
JEERS to losing a reformer. Among those the world can thank for bringing reforms—if temporarily—to the former Soviet Union is ex-foreign minister Eduard Shevardnaze:
As Soviet foreign minister, the white-haired man with a gravelly voice was the diplomatic face of Mikhail Gorbachev's liberalizing policies of glasnost and perestroika. Following the wooden Andrei Gromyko, Shevardnadze impressed Western leaders with his charisma, his quick wit and his commitment to Gorbachev's reform course.
"He made a large contribution to the foreign affairs policy of perestroika, and he was a true supporter of new thinking in global affairs," Gorbachev told Interfax Monday.
Shevardnadze died yesterday at the age of 86. Figures—one day after I finally learned how to pronounce his name.
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And just one more…
JEERS to missing it by ***this*** much. I was so excited when I got this email from the legendary Mrs. Delores Ben, who has made it her life's mission to give away boatloads of cash to random strangers via email. Over the weekend, it was finally—finally!!!—my turn…
Dear Friend.
I have registered your ATM CARD of $2.5million with FedEx Express
Delivery Company with registration code of ( Shipment Code awb 33xzs,
ATM Card Registered Code No xgt442. Security Code
sctc/2024dhx/567/;Transaction Code 233/cstc/101/33028/;Certificate
Deposit code;sctc/bun/xxiv/-78/01). please Contact with your delivery
information such as, Your Name,Your Address and Your Telephone Number:
FedEx Express Delivery Company
Name of Dir: Mr. Edward Tony Mark
Email: FedEx Delivery Company05
I have paid for the Insurance & Delivery fee. The only fee you have to
pay is their Security fee only. Please indicate the registration Number
and ask Him how much is their Security fee so that you can pay it.
Best Regards,
Mrs. Delores Ben
Sadly, my hopes were dashed when I realized I must've gotten Mrs. D’s email by mistake because my Transaction Code is actually 233/cstc/101/33029. Poo. I was gonna use my 2.5-mil to buy you all Beemers with little orange neon lights around the edge of the cup holders. Will you accept some stuck-together candy corn instead?
Oh, and today is Don’t Step on a Bee Day. Also known as the most popular holiday among bees. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
That's right: You can order a tiny Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool from Amazon, have it delivered, and live in it within weeks.
—People
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