Late Night Snark: Go Home, 2025, You're Already Drunk Edition
“Canada can’t become part of America. That’s the country I pretend to be from when I’m traveling abroad.”
—The Daily Show host Desi Lydic, on Trump's concept of a plan to annex our northern neighbors' territory
“To handle Greenland, Trump will send the army. And to deal with the huge canal, Trump will send his proctologist.”
—Jimmy Fallon
"Ultimately, the certification ceremony that we all look forward to every four years went off without a hitch. Because it's amazing how smoothly our democracy can work when you don’t act like a little bitch when you lose."
—Jon Stewart, on the Jan. 6 House vote to certify the election results
When you put in the same karaoke song as someone you don't know and you both go up to sing it.
—The Daily Show
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"It was reported that the House Ethics Committee has voted to release its report on sexual misconduct charges against Matt Gaetz. Gaetz says he's just glad his girlfriend is too young to read the news."
—Michael Che, SNL
“The Bear. The Penguin. Baby Reindeer. These are not just things found in RFK’s freezer, these are TV shows nominated tonight.”
—Host Nikki Glaser at the Golden Globe Awards
"The first severe case of bird flu in the U.S. has just been confirmed. But don't worry, I'm sure this deadly animal disease will be handled perfectly by the Road Kill King."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 10, 2025
Note: A reminder that Sunday is National Pharmacist Day. They'll celebrate the usual way, by inviting customers to pick a goodie from the giant bowl full of pills they find on the floor over the course of the year. (Note: if you pick the one shaped like a dodecahedron, please allow yourself three days to come down.)
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til Penguin Awareness Day: 10
Days 'til the annual Chili Quest and Beer Fest in Galveston, Texas: 7
Number of Affordable Care Act signups for 2025, a record that includes 3.2 million newbies: 24 million
Weekly jobless claims announced this week, the lowest in nine months: 201,000
Percent of U.S. households lacking complete indoor plumbing in 1950: 30%
Percent lacking complete indoor plumbing now: <1%
Percent lacking in complete indoor plumbing when Trump is done with his second term: 30%
Rank on the Billboard Hot 100 chart of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (Elton John), You're My First, My Last, My Everything (Barry White), and Junior's Farm/Sally G (Paul McCartney and Wings) 50 years ago this week: #1, #2, #3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Teeny tiny comfy cozy…
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CHEERS to the best news of the week. This is where we are folks. The planet is on fire and everyone has gone vicious and insane. That's where we are. So this is now what passes for the greatest thing currently happening anywhere on this big ball of toxic gas:
Appearing on “Sesame Street”? That's the best idea.
The 55th season of the acclaimed family program features a star-studded lineup of musicians that would be the envy of any summer festival: SZA, Chris Stapleton, Noah Kahan, Reneé Rapp and Samara Joy.
The upcoming season will focus on lessons in emotional well-being. It debuts Jan. 16 on MAX with new episodes releasing every Thursday. “Sesame Street” will also be available on PBS stations and to stream on PBS Kids in the fall.
The show plans to include vignettes this season that reflect life in the modern world, such as Bert and Ernie Flee the Effects of Climate Change, Big Bird Must Choose Between Food and Medicine, and Cookie Monster Dodges the Gulag by Donating One Million Bags of Chips Ahoy! to President-Elect's Inauguration Committee.
CHEERS to a fine sendoff. President Jimmy Carter, who died last month at 100, was given a state funeral yesterday. It was a bipartisan affair during which politicians from opposing parties shared handshakes, backslaps, and warm greetings. Everybody had kind things to say. Everyone behaved themselves. It was dignified. It was celebratory. It was well-planned and smoothly-executed. The audience, most of them the product of public schools and college educations, was a diverse mix of races and religions and ideologies happily gathering in a common cause: appreciation of a compassionate leader and extraordinary humanitarian. And all this happened in Washington D.C. In the distance a pig flew, and for a brief moment Hell froze over.
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect George W. Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment—#19—was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote. The original text was written by Susan B. Anthony with the help of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Up until this point, the Senate had simply injected women’s suffrage provisions in other bills. This was the first piece of legislation focused so plainly on the issue:
The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.
Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.
The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. A period more commonly known as the "Era of Wifely Dirty Looks."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew processing the wildfires in California and the dumpster fires in D.C.
My go-to sanity savers.
Or you can catch an edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW. As always, we’ll be live-skeeting tonight’s classic episode of Star Trek (“The Apple” with Kirk and Co. taking on the god Vaal) at 8 via the H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek at BlueSky (where you can follow me here). Belarusian opposition leader Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya is the guest on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. And there’s a pair of Whose Line Is It Anyway? episodes at 9 on the CW.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The Last Showgirl among them, for which star Pamela Anderson may actually snag an Oscar nomination.) The NHL schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. John Mulaney hosts an encore edition of SNL. Sunday on 60 Minutes: stories so provocative and damning that if we were to mention them online it would pop all the pixels within a 50-mile radius. And when that’s over it’s off to bed because you have a busy week ahead.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senators Alex Padilla (D-CA) and James Lankford (fascist-OK); Poet Amanda Gorman.
A wild final two weeks for FEMA director Criswell.
This Week: FEMA Director Deanne Criswell; Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA); Reps. Tom Emmer (Fascist-MN) and Mike Waltz (Fascist-FL).
Face the Nation: Rep. Judy Chu (D-CA), whose district got a direct hit from the wildfires; Deanne Criswell.
CNN's State of the Union: Deanne Criswell; Senator Katie Britt (Fascist-AL); National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Fuckface Vance; Senator Shelley Capito More (Fascist-WV); Minnesota DNC chair Ken Martin.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 10, 2015
CHEERS to Dixie's last stand for heterosexual supremacy! Today a three-judge panel (two Reagan appointees and one Obama appointee) of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals—that's Texas, Mississippi and Louisiana, y'all—heard arguments fer and agin' same-sex marriage. Here's Chris Geidner's take at Buzzfeed:
Camilla Taylor, the Lambda Legal lawyer representing the Louisiana same-sex couples, went for several minutes at a time with no interruption from the judges. … The states’ lawyers, on the other hand, faced a nearly constant stream of skeptical questioning from [Judges] Higginbotham and Graves. Even [Judge] Smith, who mostly served as a counterpoint to his colleagues, occasionally raised skeptical questions.
The Supreme Court also met today around their kitchen table to decide which of the five marriage cases in front of them to consider (or not). What happens now after all of today's hustle and bustle is something we've learned to do really well when it comes to these court cases: hurry up and wait.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to bitchy jokesters. January 10, 1982 was a dark day for my little birth hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio (pop. 15,000). Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55—the age I passed five years ago, so I can officially tell you that’s young—in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Lynde as an imperial officer in a Star Wars sketch during a Donny & Marie special.
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
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Peter Marshall: Will a newborn baby learn anything by the time he's 5 days old?
Paul Lynde: Yes, we should avoid each other when we're drinking.
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Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: "Let’s not wallow in Watergate."
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His lasting legacy: Hollywood Squares and Bewitched.
Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
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And the classic that cemented his Squares legacy:
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBTQ timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor—including as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies." And I admit, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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