The Goodall Protocol, Chapter Two
Chapter Three
It didn’t take long for all five to agree, primarily because they didn’t want to be left out and secondarily because the contract included the construction of a colossal statute of the participants at the same spot where the Colossus of Rhodes had once stood. Presidents Trump and Xi were particularly adamant that they be included in the statue with President Trump asserting that it should be “even more bigly than the Statue of Liberty.” He added that if the Statue of Liberty weren’t a statue, he might be dating her, but most of the wires excluded that portion of the quote because they didn’t want to distract from the main story.
Because of Elon Musk’s direct participation in the mission, SpaceX was given the contract to design the rocket that would carry them into space. He proudly posted on X, the everything website formerly known as Twitter, “The Goodall One will be the most technologically advanced spaceship ever made and will carry humanity forward into the next age,” and then he replied to every negative comment with homophobic and transphobic slurs and rants about the woke mind virus.
The rocket’s flight path was designed to enter low Earth orbit, circle the planet every ninety minutes, and transmit high-definition footage of the passengers contemplating their existence and the meaning of it all. The end game—and their return—was nebulous. There were two buttons that required all five participants to press: one would return them home, and the other would send them out into the outer reaches of space to boldly go where no person had gone before.
Once all the signatures were dry and the plans were made, the press release broke the internet even more than that picture of Kim Kardashian with the champagne glass. It was all anyone could talk about. In the US, both sides of the political aisle were finally united in celebration, though perhaps for different reasons. The whole world came together, and Chairman Pudd was the toast of the town in every town across the globe. The first episode of the show, which had been sold in each region throughout the globe, including Antarctica, was already selling advertisement space at ten-times the cost of a Super Bowl ad.
The build-up was intense. The young people begged their parents to stay up late enough to watch, and the old people begged their deities to stay alive long enough to watch. It was all anyone was talking about. An earthquake in San Francisco killed thousands, but that story was bumped off the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle by a profile on Mrs. Pudd and her list of the top ten nature documentaries that can be streamed for free (after paying the monthly subscription, of course).
President Donald J. Trump, speaking from Mar-a-Lago, announced that it was “a great honor, probably the greatest honor anyone has ever received.” After an extended period of negotiation between the Republican-controlled executive branch, the Republican-controlled legislative branch, and Chairman Lionel Pudd, a provision was added to the contract stating that President Trump was to remain the President of the United States for as many seasons as the show ran. The Supreme Court quickly agreed in a 6-3 vote that this was appropriate, but they refused on principle to cite their sources. The Democrats had no choice but to go along with it because they didn’t want to seem like a bunch of uncool narcs.
President Putin and Prime Minister Netanyahu agreed that they would cease all bombing of Ukraine and Gaza on the night of the premiere in order to maximize the ratings. The countdown was on, and the world was watching.
