Dear George:
Now that you feel you have a mandate from the American people it is time that we addressed the foremost concern of those who voted for you. I speak, of course, of Moral Values.
But it is not enough to speak of Moral Values. You must have concrete practical suggestions - a moral compass if you will - by which you can restore the Moral Values of this great nation. You do have a precedent however, that of the early founders of this great nation. We had Moral Values, nay, Moral Certitudes. I therefore have the following suggestions.
First, restore the crime of blasphemy. I can think of no better example of the lack of moral values than taking the Lord’s name in vain. But since our elected officials have been placed there by the will of God any criticism of them would also be blasphemous.
This would take care of the liberal media and the ACLU in one bold stroke.
Second, the problem with the fornicators and homosexuals is that they have no shame and you can’t have strong Moral Values without shame. Thus the censure of their neighbors has little effect on their behavior.
I suggest bringing back the ducking stool, the pillories and the whipping post. There is nothing like a young fornicator, her hands lashed to a whipping post in the town square, stripped naked from the waist up, having 10 lashes well-laid-on or a homosexual couple pilloried for a day with the townspeople spitting upon them to set the correct moral tone for a nation, and I might add, get the old juices flowing.. Their public humiliation and subsequent shame will serve as an example to others that might wish to emulate their behavior.
Now I know that you and many of your followers have had similar thoughts but were hesitant to express them for fear of being called “politically incorrect” by the left-wing, godless liberals. Have courage! You will soon have judges and even a Supreme Court that share our Moral Values. So, just as a strict interpretation of the Bible shows that homosexuality is a sin so a strict interpretation of the constitution will justify your actions.
Now you must realize that Moral Values begin at home therefore it is important that you encourage your citizens to watch their neighbors, friends and family closely for any signs of immoral behavior and immediately tell their minister, You’d be surprised how many people are envious or resentful of their neighbors - you can always count on the busybodies and gossips to turn in a non-believer. In this way their deeds can be brought out into the light of day and their public humiliation serve as an example for the community to keep in line – or else! We found that making people wear letters went a long way towards that goal – boy did we get a lot of mileage from that letter “A”. Likewise, you have a special responsibility to the children of this great land to see that they are brought up morally correct. You must encourage these children to tell their teachers if their parents are performing any questionably moral acts such as watching pornography or smoking marijuana. Young adolescent girls are the best – we got to burn a number of witches on their say so. The best thing is to remove these children from their dangerous environment and place them into faith-based morally correct shelters where, if necessary, they can have the devil beaten out of them.
Fortunately you are a true man of the 17th century. You’re God is a vengeful and angry God a God of the Old Testament and a God of War. I can picture you in Salem, buckled shoes, black frock coat, bible clutched in your hand. There is a dreamy expression on your face– eyes half closed - with that little smirk on your lips – watching the blood flow as you count slowly, head nodding to the crack of the whip. Yes, you would fit right in and unless the liberal can stop you this will be the future of America.
Your friend and fellow believer in Moral Values,
Cotton Mather
