Hey everybody! Hope you’re well. Look, I know you visit Shower Cap’s Blog for a thorough chroniclin’ of all the MAGA madness, but I honestly don’t have much for ya this week. I think maybe one of those pardoned Capitol rioters had some minor legal dust-up, over unpaid parking tickets, or was it soliciting a minor? Otherwise, it’s been pretty quiet.
I guess there was some super controversial basketball trade, maybe we could chat about that for a minute. Despite attending the University of Kansas, I can’t really discuss basketball intelligently, but I feel like I owe y’all some paragraphs.
Oh, wait, I know, there’s that one psychopathic, white supremacist billionaire, the one who’s taken over the entire executive branch of our government? I bet I could squeeze some content outta that guy.
Just a heads up, this is an Elon appreciation blog from here on out. He’s just so smart and handsome, you see. And I say that not because teenaged incels have hacked my laptop, nor because of the small army of Oath Loaders n’ Glad Lads massing beneath my window, but because of my sincere belief, that Elon Musk is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever lost a democracy to.
It’s no secret Donnie Dotard’s interest in the Presidency stops at the Get Out of Jail Free card. I mean, the bribes and ass-kissing are nice, but the actual work of governing a whole-ass country really cuts into your golf time, y’know? He’s been eager to outsource the job parts of the job from the very beginning. Seriously, remember when he offered the gig to Kasich?
All of a sudden, along comes this dork who’s willing to pay for the privilege. He’s super rich, he hates all the same people you do, and he’s always got great drugs. Plus, his hand fits snugly up your ass, right there next to Putin’s.
Sure, his billions in federal contracts represent an irreconcilable conflict of interest, but don’t worry, he’ll be policing that shit himself. And if you can’t trust Elon Musk, well, my heart goes out to you.
Speaking of conflicts of interest, you might think, watching the unelected Shadow President blaze, at breakneck speed, through the Chinese Communist Party’s wildest, Wouldn’t It Be Awesome if the United States Did a Bunch of Self-Destructive Shit and We Swooped in to Pick Up the Pieces list, that perhaps the billions he has invested in China factor into his unhinged actions, but you never know, perhaps they’re merely inadvertent beneficiaries of his mad quest for revenge on the “woke mind virus.”
Aiding the world’s richest racist in his crusade against all things diverse, equitable, and inclusive is a crack team of dudes who still resemble their high school yearbook photos. And sure, maybe you don’t want your most sensitive personal data passing through the hands of teenagers who’ve already amassed significant cybercrime records, or stored on an unaccountable oligarch’s private server, (BUTHEREMAILZ) but that ship has sailed.
Incidentally, don’t confuse the data thief DOGEboi with the “I was racist before it was cool” DOGEboi, though they’ve both enjoyed access to your data. Totally different dudes. If you need help telling them apart, the “normalize Indian hate”kid is the one the Vice President of the United States wants to reinstate. Yes, the same Vice President with the Indian American wife and children, why do you ask?
Anyhoo, these creeps were in such a hurry to gut the CIA, they transmitted the names of every single recent agency hire in an unclassified email. Now, normally, we only leak that sort of intel directly to Russian spies, within the confines of the Oval Office, but I guess we’re doing extra populism this week.
No wonder Elon made it a crime to reveal their identities to the public. Oh yeah, he gets to make up crimes now, too. And deport you to a Salvadoran mega-prison when you commit them. Look, the Founding Fathers were clear they were drafting a “starter constitution,” as Hamilton put it in Federalist 69, (giggle) to be discarded in favor of the whims of a wealthy ketamine addict, “assuming that ketamine is indeed invented, as I suspect some day it shall.”
Musk’s biggest early target has been USAID, because soft power is, as you are no doubt aware, for cucks. Scrolling through Xwitter, you’ll discover USAID is the root of at least 80% of all evil.
Did you know, for example, that USAID paid Ben Stiller a billion dollars to hand-deliver condoms to Hamas? (Or was it the Taliban?) And then another billion to Politico to cover it?
USAID is why I’ve never been able to beat Super Macho Man in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!! USAID gave me gout. I strongly suspect the girl from my calculus class who declined to accompany me to the Senior Prom was on the USAID payroll. Plenty of time to wash your hair now that you’ve been placed on leave, Emily.
Secretary Rubio briefly emitted tentative yaps about preserving the program, which he has long championed, before his acting Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs, Darren Beattie, pulled him aside to remind him of his place in the new, white supremacist order. Darren’s a real piece of work, by the way. I’m sure he’ll find a spot for the “You could not pay me to marry outside my ethnicity” guy, if Musk doesn’t rehire him.
Thankfully, the courts are beginning to intervene, but Elon and his kooky kakistocrat kids’re busily worming their way into every department from Treasury to Education to Defense. Oh, and now they’re trying to destroy the CFPB, because everybody loves credit card fees. We’ll see how far they get. In the meantime, they’ll have to make do with torturing the thousands of people they’ve cut off in the middle of experimental medical treatments, and killing babies with AIDS.
Now, if you’re freaking out about any or all of this, do not worry your pretty little head, because Susan Collins is CONCERNED. Yes, Senator Collins, somehow blissfully unaware of her own reputation, actually “told reporters on Monday she is ‘very concerned’ about Elon Musk and his assistants demanding personal information from federal employees.” Satire is fucking impossible with these people.
Hey Senator, maybe you could muster a little concern about this guy your party’s trying to install as head of the FBI? The one taking money from Russian propagandists and Chinese companies that use slave labor? I mean, I’m concerned enough for both of us, but you’re the one who gets to vote on it.
Anyway. Basketball. Among the orangest, if not the orangest ball in North American sports. Excluding Nerf products, of c-OH I ALMOST FORGOT, WE’RE OCCUPYING GAZA! Not a big deal, just a little light ethnic cleansing. From what I’ve heard, the people who live there aren’t particularly attached to the place.
The idea of taking literal ownership of the planet’s most intractable conflict seems to’ve occurred to our exceptionally stable genius President more or less on the spot, and almost certainly won’t actually occur. And I hope that’s consoling to the victims of the forthcoming jihadist attacks inspired by his recklessness.
See, the difference between the first Trump term and the current one is this time, he’s going to make you drink the bleach.
The California water thing is a perfect example. He latches onto this dippy idea that the wildfires got as bad as they did because there wasn’t enough water, because SMELT or whatever, then he digs in when people point out how completely, totally, 100% fucking wrong he is, because he knows more about smelt than smelt do, and next thing you know, he’s ordering TWO POINT TWO BILLION GALLONS of water dumped from reservoirs, directly into the fucking ground, nowhere near the fucking fires, which have gone out by then anyway.
And he’s so fucking proud of himself. Won’t stop talking about it. Haven’t seen him beam like this since the last time he identified a drawing of a horsey. And if California farmers need that water come summer, which, given climate change and the increasing likelihood of God visiting his wrath upon us as punishment for our behavior, well, again, my heart goes out to you.
I know it seems like forever ago, but I guess we had that trade war. Yeah, it’s okay, we surrendered. See, Sheinbaum and Trudeau offered Wee Don the opportunity to take credit for his predecessor’s achievements, which is probably his favorite thing to do. That, or rape.
Pete Hesgeth sobered up just long enough to boot the New York Times, NPR, NBC News and Politico from their dedicated workspace at the Pentagon, in favor of the New York Post, One America News Network, Breitbart News Network and HuffPost News, but if any of the newbies get frisky, and start posting accurate casualty statistics from the Greenland front, InfoWars and Nick Fuentes are waitin’ in the wings.
Where but the United States of America could one rise up from a hardscrabble upbringing as a mere autocrat’s daughter-in-law, first to the cochairmanship of said autocrat’s politcal party, then ultimately to a high-paying post as a bleating head on state TV? Truly, the spirit of Horatio Alger lives on in Lara Trump.
Andy Biggs reintroduced his legislation to disband OSHA, and I appreciate his optimism, that there’ll still be workplaces to deregulate a year from now.
Longtime readers know I’ve been pretty hard on Coach Senator Tuberville over the years, largely because of that criminal conspiracy to end American democracy he joined, but also because of the way his brain doesn’t work, (at all) but now that I’ve learned he single-handedly taught Patrick Mahomes how to football, I’m giving him another look. Unless he’s lyingabout his involvement in Mahomes‘ career, in which case my earlier assessment (the one where he’s a treasonous fuckwit) stands.
You remember Steve King? Remember when Steve King got kicked out of Congress and the Republican Party for being too bigoted? I bet he watches footage of Nancy Mace gleefully barking slurs during official House committee hearings, and positively weeps over his timing.
Marjorie Taylor Greene won’t rule out a run for Georgia Governor, potentially threatening the thousands of jobs from a proposed weather control satellite factory. George Soros can always take his business elsewhere, y’know.
There’s more of course. I could go on and on, about Off-Brand Orbán’s flaccid attempt to “terminate” CBS over the unedited 60 Minutes Kamala interview nothingburger, or how he’s taking over the Kennedy Center and revoking Biden’s security clearance, or how his old buddy Ye’s having another anti-Semitic social media meltdown, but I imagine we’re all ready to progress to the drinking portion of the weekend.
Anyway, I’m definitely not saying I had anything to do with a certain heist of 100,000 eggs, but for a limited time only, toss a few bucks in my tip jar (now accepting Venmo, Cash App and PayPal) and I’ll hook you up with some Grade A shit. Shit you can poach, y’all. Get on that before bird flu spreads to any additional species.
And, of course, follow @john_luzar and sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com. And stay safe out there, my friend, from both bird flu and fascism. Also, plane crashes. And pardoned terrorists. Best just stay inside for a bit.
