“Hello everybody” (hold for applause), “and welcome back to the latest hit show on Amazon Prime.”
“Everybody shout it out together”
“Let’s Buy a Country!” (state, province, or commonwealth).
“I’m your host, Barry Manfred. You may know me from my other game shows “Cut the Crap,” “Does She Know?” and “Red Pill? Blue Pill? Or what’s behind the Mystery door?”
“You know the rules: There are no rules!”
“We do ask that all offers are legit and there should be no threats of war, but you know, those are flexible too.”
“Basically: You want a country? Then make them an offer… Everybody join in…(audience joins in loudly) ‘They Can’t Refuse’.”
“Ok, so we have a busy show this week. And we open with a surprise offer: Japan has offered for Hawaii to become Japan West. The offer includes a cool new flag and free air flights from Hawaii to Japan to all Hawaii citizens. It seems a low-ball offer as no money is involved, but we will see what happens.”
“Next is a follow up to last week where the US offered, again, for Canada to be the 51st state of the United States of America. This is the third show in a row where the US has made the same offer. A new show record!”
(Deep voiced announcer: “A reminder to our viewers at home, the offer is: No Tariffs, no border, and lower taxes. The downside is no free health care and losing their independence.”)
Barry: “Last week Canada again refused and the US increased tariffs another 50%. Boy the US really wants to break Canada financially. Let’s see what Canada decides this week.”
“And in a twist, Canada is offering for Maine to be part of Quebec Provence, Michigan to join Ontario Provence, and Washington to join with British Columbia. Canada is turning this game upside down and I love it. How does the audience feel?” (some boos, some cheers). “Seems the audience has mixed feeling here.”
Barry turns to camera two which is the close up, more intimate camera angle,
“I wonder how the states will decide? Maine, Michigan, Washington, you are now on the “Should I Stay or Should I Go Clock.” A large clock is seen over Barry’s left shoulder. The Clash song of the same name plays loudly. “The ‘Should I Stay or Should I go Clock’ is proudly sponsored by Amazon Music. Amazon Music, why try anybody else?”
“And we get a call from Mexico. It seems the Southern Border is inspired by Canada and is offering California, Arizona, and New Mexico to be part of Mexico. New Mexico you can finally drop that New if you like. I can’t imagine the US of A is loving this right now, but that’s how the game goes. And we will be right back.”
(Non-skippable commercial break for “Usenitrix: a cure for both dry eye and Jimmy leg. Upset that your legs keep jumping, but can’t form tears to cry about it? Usenitrix is the answer to your prays. Just 4 daily injections to your inner cheeks, both mouth and buttock, and your legs will calm and your tears will flow like watching Arcane season two, episode 6. Disclaimer: Arcane recently bought by Amazon Prime along with Netflix. Usenitrix is a subsidiary of Amazon Pharmaceutical.”)
“And we’re back. Again, I’m Barry Manfred, but my friends call me Jimmy Leg. Just joshing. Buy Usenitrix.”
“The big player this week, just like last week and the week before, is Greenland. Greenland has been playing it cool and rejecting all offers so far, but let’s see what the offers are today.”
“Denmark has again asked Greenland to consider their long relationship. Ha, that’s not going to go far. Greenland again states its desire to be independent.”
“The US again offers Statehood and lots of money to be decided later. Greenland again states its desire of independence.”
“In a semi surprise move Canada makes an offer. Canada is busy this week with both new offers to US states and in fending off the advances from the USA. And now another offer? Canada is being quite the busy beaver. The eager beaver gets the most wood, right. Am I even allowed to say that?”
“Canada offers Greenland to be a new Provence and for 60% of the gross of all mining and drilling proceeds to go directly to Greenland for housing, roads, infrastructure and building hospitals and improved shipyards. Yowser, it seems Canada is jealous of all the attention Greenland has been getting as they are all over the show today.”
“China, in a redirection, ignores Taiwan this week and instead focuses on Greenland. They mimic Canada’s offer, but increase the mineral sharing to 75% going to Greenland in exchange for a navel base on Greenland’s Eastern Coast. Nice move China. This would give them access to not only Greenland, but the Artic Ocean. China is looking to the far future here.”
“Well it seems that Greenland is once again the belle of the ball and has the Worlds attention. Perhaps, not surprisingly, the US reminds Greenland that the US can just take them over.”
“Canada chimes in that that is against the rules of the game and reminds Greenland that Canada and Greenland are closely connected by geography, that the US historically doesn’t honor its treaties, and then offers to include a Molson brewery on Greenland.”
“China just texted me” (Barry looks at phone), “All it says is ‘80%’.”
“And I’m not sure how China had direct access to my phone.”
Denmark says, quietly, “Shit.”
Barry thinking about how China has direct access to his phone, quietly mouths, “Shit.”
Greenland says, “Independence. But we will be back next week.”
(Second non-skippable commercial: “The Yo-Yo of tariffs got you down? The price of eggs making you think of self-harm? Try Umbelicosic. Umbelicosic increases your natural endorphins that will calm your nerves, while also activating an acute allergic reaction to any egg product. You’ll never want to buy an egg again. And the specific endorphin produced will make all knowledge of money and bank accounts simply disappear. Tariffs? What’s that? Eggs? Gah, my airway is closing. Umbelicosic, ‘You don’t want it, but you do need it.’ Umbelicosic is a member of the Amazon after dark Pharmaceutical division that markets potentially dangerous drugs, but that are now approved by our new and improved Food and Drug Administration. The FDA motto, since 2025, “If you can make money, Sell That Shit.” Now back to our show.)
“With time running out this week one more offer comes in. And it’s from Europe! So far Europe has refused to play, “Let’s Buy a Country,” but today Poland has offered both Ukraine and Romania to “fuse together” into one large nation: Polkrania. This massive new European nation would stretch from the Baltic Sea to the Black Sea, insuring access across most of Europe.”
Barry looks again at his buzzing phone, “Russia, who has not yet signed a contract with Amazon Prime, so it not allowed to play “Let’s Buy a Country,” just sent an atomic explosion emoji to my phone. Not cool Russia, Not Cool. Audience??” (loud boos rain down throughout the studio audience.) Barry makes mental note to change his phone plan.
“Wait! Quiet down audience, we have a reply to our surprise offer from Japan…and….Hawaii accepts! This is just wow. Who would have guessed. But Hawaii loved the new Flag and said, and I quote, “Well they are an Island nation and so are we, so we feel they will understand us better than the mainland people. Plus, who doesn’t like free trips to Japan?”
“Again wow, Hawaii is now Japan West.”
“So everybody reach under your seats and you’ll each find you have a first edition Flag of Hawaii West that you can wave around. And we will see you next time on…”
”Let’s Buy a Country!!”
