[When national security becomes improv comedy, you get Trump’s War Cabinet planning military strikes in a Signal group chat — and accidentally adding a journalist. This “leaked” memo from inside the Trump 2.0 administration explains everything… badly.]
FROM: Office of National Improvisational Security Strategy (ONISS)
TO: Trump 2.0 War Cabinet + Authorized Media Observers (intentional or otherwise)
DATE: Effective Immediately (and Retroactively If Needed)
RE: Signal Chat Protocols & Strategic Transparency Innovations
Gentlemen, Loyalists, and Accidental Journalists:
Recent reports indicate that a minor and completely overblown incident involving operational military planning, an unsecured messaging platform, and the wrong Jeff Goldberg has generated what the fake news media calls "concern."
Let us be clear: no actual security breach occurred. What happened was a bold and experimental test of crowdsourced deterrence theory, in which potential targets (and friendly press) are granted limited access to classified banter as a form of psychological pre-engagement diplomacy. This briefing showcases the future of warfighting — open-concept, press-friendly, and aggressively unclassified.
CHAT ROOM OVERVIEW
The Signal channel in question — "Operation Freedom FOMO 🔥" — was established as a secure enclave for:
- Immediate war brainstorming,
- Tactical memes,
- Coordinated typo response,
- And rapid deployment of strategic chest-thumping.
Participants included:
- SecDef Hegseth (verified emoji: 🦅💪🏽🍺)
- NSA Waltz (chat admin, avatar: Top Gun Tom Cruise)
- Trump (silent participant) — occasionally replies with “perfect call” or “wrong Jeff?”
- Goldberg, J. (unvetted addition — not our guy, but classy)
KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THE INCIDENT
- Redefining Classification: Everything said in the chat was technically off the record, on the record, and retroactively executive-privileged, including:
o “Operation Flex Tape” (Middle East edition)
o “Target package TikToks”
o “Strike graphics created in Canva Pro”
- Wrong Jeff Protocol: While it is true that Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic was mistakenly added to the group chat, he did not receive full briefings, just gifs, and speculative war banter. He was promptly removed, re-added, and then emoji-reacted to by Waltz with a shrug.
- Transparency Is Strength: In the Trump 2.0 Doctrine, publicizing strike discussions in group threads is not negligence — it is alpha-level deterrence. Letting a liberal journalist overhear a plan to bomb Yemen is pure modern psychological warfare.
MOVING FORWARD
To reduce future optics misunderstandings, we are implementing the following:
- All Signal groups will now include a “Trusted MAGA Influencer” and one journalist from a publication we are actively threatening.
- Military briefings will carry the disclaimer: “Anything shared here may be used against us or in a Substack.”
- Code names must be more subtle (e.g., stop naming files “BOMB_IRAN_FINAL_FINAL_USE_THIS_ONE.pptx”)
POTUS ADDENDUM
President Trump has reviewed the incident and released the following clarifying statement:
“Nobody shares strategy better than us. This was maybe the most transparent war planning in history. We meant to include Jeff — maybe the wrong Jeff, but a smart Jeff. Very legal. Very cool. And Yemen should be flattered.”
IN CONCLUSION
We fully expect that the press will howl, the Democrats will subpoena, and the Pentagon will furrow its brows — but we remain committed to our cutting-edge approach to national defense: open-source, mistake-tolerant, and gloriously Trumpian.
Further breaches will be handled with the same level of seriousness and higher levels of sarcasm.
FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY
Do not print. Do not forward. Definitely don’t screenshot this and leak it to the Washington Post. Unless it polls well.
~ Sterling J. Fumbleton, Senior Advisor for Narrative Defense Strategies ~
