On April 6th, bestselling author and upcoming candidate for the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate award JK Rowling posted the following Tweet (or whatever we’re supposed to call them now):
https://x.com/jk_rowling/status/1908841436981625309?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1908841436981625309%7Ctwgr%5Ed953ea1ad59515766433ed07cf5a7dc1f897c1d5%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.out.com%2Fmedia%2Fjk-rowling-tweets-criticism-asexual
Okay, so it appears that I don’t know how to post screenshots from Twitter, but if clicking a link is too strenuous for you, here’s what it says:
“Happy International Fake Oppression Day to everyone who wants complete strangers to know they don't fancy a shag.”
See, April 6th has been asexual visibility day since 2010, a fact that I and several other asexuals weren’t aware of until now, which gives you an idea of how effective it’s been. Now far be it from me to question JK Rowling’s authority on fake oppression, but of all the people to suddenly have a problem with, asexuals seem like an odd choice. Who will she pick a fight with next, Canadiens? I’d even argue that there are some very good reasons to be asexual; spouses, children and people in general being only a few. Still, I suppose a part of me can sympathize; imagine the stark terror of being in a room full of asexuals, having to endure the constant threat of not being molested.
Over the course of…I dunno, a while, many have speculated that the black mold decorating Rowling’s palace walls like tapestries could have caused, or at least contributed to, her mental decline which is why her current profession mainly consists of looking for bulges in the trunks of female boxers, a clam (excuse me, claim) Rowling herself vehemently denies; it’s not she doesn’t think there could be a few spores infiltrating her castle, she just refuses to believe that black mold is real mold.
Back to the topic at hand, better trained eyes than mine saw the wisdom in Rowling’s words and did their best to simplify it for us laymen while still carefully avoiding any inquiries as to where the announcement for Asexual Visibility Day said anything about oppression. One by the name of Ice posted the following:
“Sounds like they’re just a bunch of sexually frustrated folks that don’t know how to communicate what they want effectively to their partner or just haven’t found the right partner that does it for them yet.”
Yes, cliché cliché indeed, Doctor Ice. I would also add that cliché cliché cliche cliché and cliché cliché cliché cliché. A part of me suspects that cliché cliché cliché cliché cliché, but that's only a theory.
Speaking of theories, this poster seems to have some theories of his own:
“These people are probably the most deviant of all these weirdo gay subgroups. Like pedos that hide it by being overtly religious.”
That one came to us from Stanley Godspeed.
Finally, one user by the name of Propertee gave us these penetrating insights:
“Current mood: sipping my swiftea and reliving every album. 💁♀️☕ Perfect gift for Swifties who want to feel the vibes of every Taylor era with every sip!”
That one was probably an ad.
But even with all this support, Rowling cannot seem to overcome her current predicament: How can one with such a wealth of power and influence still be the most put upon character in every daytime soap opera? I call it the neurotypical paradox-- everyone can see how much power you carry, but no one seems to care how hard it is on your back.
Well, at the risk of being turned into a frog, I’ll leave JK Rowling with the best advice I can give; If you desire a shag and no one wants to participate, you could always shag yourself.
So, that’s something I just posted. How about that? I also wrote books. Why here’s one now! https://www.lulu.com/shop/matthew-dalldorf/dying-is-easy/paperback/product-9wd2mg.html?srsltid=AfmBOopw8q5J6lsU-JCrRTWTEDUmHBOUUJB830YiQ-rfIbGLaDl4emdB&page=1&pageSize=4 Now where’s that other book of mine? Oh, here it is! https://www.lulu.com/shop/matthew-thompson-dalldorf/buy-my-shorts/paperback/product-ve2kpj.html?q=buy+my+shorts&page=1&pageSize=4 If it were a snake, it would’ve bit me. Har! My eyes are tired from all this reading. Maybe someone has a good movie recommendation. Well, speak of the devil! https://www.imdb.com/title/tt32621931/reference/ Will we ever run out of reasons to shower me with admiration? Well yes, because that’s the last thing I accomplished, but I might do something else sometime. In the words of Judy Tenuta, “It could happen!” Oh, I’m on Twitter and Myface or Spacebook or something like that. TikTok is only for clock enthusiasts and I can’t think of anything snarky to say about Instagram so it’s not worth my time.
Alright, one more for the road: What do you call JK Rowling in outer space? Astro-TERF! Ha-cha-cha!
