Late Night Snark: ICE Breakers Edition
"Net migration to the United States is down for the first time in 50 years. Last year we had around 300-thousand more people leaving the country than coming in, and that was before this morning when the State Department announced they'll suspend processing immigrant visas from 75 countries. What happened to us? We used to be the cool nightclub everyone wanted to get into. Now we're an abandoned Hooters."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Right now there are over two-thousand federal immigration agents in Minnesota, and Trump is planning to send around a thousand more. So he's clearly invading Minnesota. Has anyone told him they don’t have oil? Because the best he's gonna get is 50-million barrels of cream of mushroom soup."
—Stephen Colbert
"The coalition against ICE is so broad it even includes ice."
—The Daily Show's Jordan Klepper
"This is how [ICE agents] are conducting themselves. They would appear to have absolutely no clue what they are doing. This is not what professional immigration law enforcement looks like. What this looks like is military-style weapons and gear given to masked, unbadged secret police who appear to have learned their tactics by playing video games about real wars and fantasizing about being scary to women. And if they think by what they're doing they are attracting people to their cause—or intimidating people into not turning out to protest against them and record what they're doing—they're very seriously wrong about that."
—Rachel Maddow
"The Trump administration is flooding Americans cities with an army of untrained, out-of-shape ICE agents to wreak havoc in schools, neighborhoods and grocery stores, which is why it's no surprise that Americans really don’t like what they're seeing. This is a true thing I'm about to tell you: more Americans believe in ghosts than support the tactics of ICE. It's genuinely difficult to find anything in American life that's as unpopular as ICE. Even that live-action Cats movie has a higher rating on the Rotten Tomatoes popcorn meter."
—Seth Meyers
"It couldn't be more clear: in America today Donald Trump is the sun, and if you revolve around him and worship him his warmth shines upon you. You could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose his support as long as it's done on his behalf. … And so his people are making a bet: that adhering to a principle of forced compliance and coercion will give us a more stable and prosperous America than a principle of shared alliance and common interest. It's kind of a tough bet, because I read somewhere that people have inalienable rights granted by a creator, not a king. So holding that coerced world together is going to be kind of a tall task."
—Jon Stewart
“And the award for most editing goes to CBS News. Yes, CBS News: America’s newest place to see B.S. News."
—Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser
And this on Iran from half of our genius Oklahoma contingent in the Senate…
CNN's Kaitlan Collins: A moment ago you said you were for regime change.
Senator Markwayne Mullin (Fascist-OK): No, I said I'm for [military] strikes.
Collins: You said before that you were for taking out the regime.
Mullin: Yeah, absolutely, because they're the ones murdering their own people. That's different than regime change. Regime change is up to the Iranian people. We're not going to actively remove the regime, we're going after the people that are killing their own people, and that happens to be the regime.
Jimmy Kimmel: Markwayne Mullin uses his brain like most people use a fondue pot—once, maybe twice a year.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 16, 2026
Note: I'm going on a hunger strike until the Eagles let that poor man out of the Hotel California. Until they do, I plan to survive on nothing more than water, meat, vegetables, fruit, whole grains, booze, soup/chowder, Tootsie Pops and mango juice. If it means my death, so be it. Oh, and also candy corn because I still some from Halloween.
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By the Numbers:
Starts in 10 days!!!
Days 'til the next government shutdown: 14
Days 'til the start of Cheeseburger Week in Pasadena, California: 10
Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who disapprove of how ICE is implementing immigration laws: 57%
Percent who have seen the video of Renee Good's murder by ICE: 8-in-10
Americans polled by YouGov who believe the ICE agent who murdered Renee Good should be prosecuted (versus 30% who don't): 53%
Percent of Americans polled by Reuters-Ipsos who support the U.S. taking control of Greenland: 17%
Rank of Convoy (C.W. McCall), I Write The Songs (Barry Manilow), and Theme from Mahogany (Diana Ross) on the Billboard chart in mid-January 1976: #1, #2, #3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The real boss…
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JEERS to unwelcome intruders. Looks like the federal government's nationwide "Shoot First, Ask Questions Never" tour is coming to our little fishing hamlet. Maine, whose soldiers won the Civil War for our country, is apparently getting a visit from the untrained twits of ICE, along with their loser twit BFFs at "CBP." If the word on the street pans out, they'll be marauding around Portland and Lewiston—our two largest towns—in their rusty Chevy Malibus next week. Lewiston is especially concerning because it has a large Somali population that we’re quite fond of. And neither the Maine peasantry nor our elected officials are in any mood for any jackbooted foolishness:
[Governor Janet] Mills addressed the possibility of federal law enforcement operations in Maine in a video statement Wednesday evening.
Uh, Oregon? Since you borrowed our town’s name can we borrow your sign?
"I have directed the Maine State Police to work closely with local law enforcement, as necessary, to provide whatever support is needed in advance of and during any potential federal operations. If they come here, I want any federal agents—and the President of the United States—to know what this state stands for. We stand for the rule of law. We oppose violence. We stand for peaceful protest. [Know your rights via the Maine ACLU here.] We stand for compassion, for integrity and justice."
Said independent Senator Angus King: "Given the videos and headlines we have seen from operations conducted in other states—many of them reckless, heartless, and irreversibly destructive—I share the same worries many of you have." Said Republican Senator Susan Collins: "No questions, I'm late for my wax 'n pluck at the beauty salon. Just mark me down as concerned, okay?"
In the meantime, the camouflage tarps have been removed from our statewide network of catapults that are specially engineered to hurl flaming whoopee pies up to fifteen miles. Pray we don’t have to use them. What a waste of sugar and cocoa.
JEERS to baking our planet. We knew that 2025 was “among” the warmest on record. Now we have December’s numbers, and we can officially say that the entire year was one for the sweaty record books:
Last year was the third hottest on record, scientists have said, with mounting fossil fuel pollution behind “exceptional” temperatures.
Brought to you by Earth’s hairless biped parasites.
The World Meteorological Organization (WMO) said 2025 had continued a three-year streak of “extraordinary global temperatures” during which surface air temperatures averaged 1.48C above preindustrial levels.
Copernicus said the first month of 2025 was the hottest January on record, while March, April and May were each the second-warmest for that time of year. Each month except February and December was warmer than the corresponding month in any year before 2023, the scientists found.
The unnatural heat is largely the result of a blanket of carbon pollution smothering the Earth, worsening most weather extremes and jeopardising the stable conditions in which humanity has thrived.
To put that in perspective, within a hundred years the planet will become as hot as Lauren Boebert's brain activity when she tries to connect a noun and a verb.
JEERS to turning a deaf ear. On this date 65 years ago tomorrow, during his farewell address in 1961, President Eisenhower warned us all against the rise of the now-infamous "military-industrial complex." (Although we’re quick to point out that Ike himself helped contribute to it, so his hands aren’t exactly clean. But, hey, c’mon—he did D-Day.) Every year, as his warning appears ever more prescient, this speech ranks right up there with Lincoln's Gettysburg Address or FDR's Four Freedoms speech:
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.
And be sure to check out the great discounts at Sears. Page A-12.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
Let's see how that's working out: We did let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties and democratic processes. We did take it for granted. And we the ignorant and apathetic citizenry did not compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty are now fighting like rabid dogs. Other than that...Thumbs-up!
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Synonym Fever! Happy 247th birthday Sunday to Peter Roget, who published the first Thesaurus in 1852 (a decades-long endeavor undertaken in part to help him deal with bouts of depression). Curious if there was a synonym for thesaurus, I went to—where else?—Thesaurus.com to find out. Their list is BOGUS, and let me tell you for the umpteenth time why:
A thesaurus is a glossary, but a glossary isn’t necessarily a thesaurus.
Finally—as of Sunday, an end to those insufferable Thesaurus Day carols.
A thesaurus is a language reference book, but a language reference book isn’t necessarily a thesaurus.
A thesaurus is a storehouse of words and a treasury of words and even a word list, but neither a storehouse of words nor a treasury of words nor a word list is necessarily a thesaurus.
A thesaurus is an onomasticon, but an onomasticon is not necessarily a thesaurus.
Now you know why the one thing my parents made sure never to run out of was earplugs.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Very disappointed that our weekly roundup of what’s on the weekend TV schedule failed to win a single Golden Globe or Critics Choice Award. Shame! Shame! Shame! But we muddle on anyway, bruised ego and all.
I’ll take a dozen!
It’s a quiet weekend, actually. Tonight you can catch Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW, or Firing Line at 8:30 (PBS) with guest Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC). We’ll also be live-skeeting tonight’s original-series episode of Star Trek (“Amok Time,” during which Spock gets twitterpated and has to get hitched to his lady on Vulcan) at 8 via the H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek. (You’ll find me on BlueSky here.)
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Want to feel old? Peter Jackson’s first Lord of the Rings flick is back in theatres for its 25th anniversary.) The NHL schedule is here, the NFL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Actor Finn Wolfhard (Stranger Things) hosts SNL.
On 60 Minutes: who cares anymore?No Simpsons Sunday night, but ABC makes us still miss Robin Williams by airing Mrs. Doubtfire. After that the monster under your bed will read Goodnight, Moon and then it’s off to Slumber Land for you, kiddo.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Good lord, the legacy media plays Kum-by-yah footsies yet again, throwing Senators Tim Kaine (D-VA) and Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) into a room to discuss “finding common ground.” I have an idea: if Republicans will stop acting like high school dropout Nazis, Democrats will stop calling them out for acting like high school dropout Nazis.
Scheduled pundit panel booked for Sunday’s “Meet the Cress.”
This Week: Senators Tina Smith (D-MN) and Rand Paul (Fascist-KY) are scheduled, but I don’t think finding common ground is on the agenda; Reince Priebus shows up at the pundit roundtable to let us know how his 2012 GOP rebranding effort is going.
Face the Nation: Bari Weiss’s NEW and IMPROVED Face the Nation has booked sassy, saucy cosplay quick-change princes Kristi Noem. Will she enter the studio as a cowgirl or a commando? A fighter pilot or an astronaut. Stay tuned!
CNN's State of the Union: Former vice president Mike Pence and, thanks to the Capitol Police, his unhanged neck; Senator Ruben Gallego (D-CA).
Fox Fascism Sunday: Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT); Senator John Cornyn (Fascist-TX).
Happy viewing!
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Twenty years ago in C&J: January 16, 2006
JEERS to Bush's Bureaucracy. Let's check up on how the brilliantly conceived and executed Real ID Act—an "anti-terror" program that calls for standardized drivers licenses—is doing, shall we? Oh, heavens, it's doing just great. Via The Detroit News:
State motor vehicle officials who will have to carry out the Real ID Act say its authors grossly underestimated its logistical, technological and financial demands.
In a comprehensive survey obtained by the Associated Press and in follow-up interviews, officials cast doubt on the states' ability to comply with the law on time and fretted that it will be a budget buster.
"It is just flat out impossible and unrealistic to meet the prescriptive provisions of this law by 2008," said Betty Serian, a deputy secretary of the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.
In fairness, the portion of the law mandating that 3 DMV windows be closed for every one that's open is way ahead of schedule.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to America’s favorite “Girl from the South Side.” Michelle Obama was the ninth First Lady whose iron-fisted regime I lived under. During her eight way-too-fast years in that official capacity, she was an amazing role model—not only in terms of her grace and humor and intelligence and optimism and down-to-earth authenticity and… (I'll stop there for space reasons—my list of her pluses is 12 pages long, single spaced), but also for throwing open the doors of the White House and making it feel more like the "People's House" than any time I can remember. (Under her icy successor and current occupant it felt more like 1945 Berlin, and is again during her second go-around.) Tomorrow is Michelle’s frrfrrfrth birthday, and that’s all the reason I need to post these…
I know there's no job description or requirements for the role of presidential spouse, but I think it's fair to say that she set the bar just about as high as it can go. She rocked it. So, in conclusion: Happy happy happy (I'll stop there for space reasons—my list of happys is also 12 pages long) birthday tomorrow, Michelle, and many blessings on your camels.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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