Trapper John is asking advice how to dispose his vote. I haven't any specifically for him.
Instead, I am urging Napoleon Bonaparte be the Democratic nominee for President. This seems to be the most sensible course which will satisfy almost everyone.
Those who've been supporting Clark should find it easy to change to old Bonaparte, a general's general. Edwards' shorter supporters will find comfort in Napoleon's success in both domestic and foreign affairs, even though he wasn't a Breck boy. Kerry supporters certainly can endorse the experienced Emperor, whose victories were many and his defeats few.
Kucinch and Dean supporters may have some qualms about Bonaparte, since he engaged in pre-emptive strikes against his European neighbors. But, he learned his lesson at Moscow and swears he'll never do that again.
One of the best aspects of Bonaparte is that there's scarcely anything about him that isn't known. No surprises here. And he's French, which means he isn't American; that solves the multi-lateral problem. He's pro-American, proving it by selling us Louisiana. That trumps Bush's Texas oil millionaire friends, who can only afford to lease wells, not buy the whole whiz-bang.
So, no more old records to dig through. No old appointments to hide. No extravagant statements to explain away. Bonaparte hasn't been human that way for a long time. He learned his lesson at Waterloo.
Bonaparte is the safe candidate. The man with the experience. The man who doesn't have feelings, at least not in public. We remember him eternally wearing tights in his tight fitting coat. Some say he wore stuffed sweaters to muffle bodily sounds and his voice, but that seems unlikely; he knows how to keep his mouth shut.
You don't have to worry about issues with good old Napoleon. He's a well known brand, and his decisions will work for you. Especially after a nip or two of Courvoisier. There's no substitute!
So, stopping fussing and bothering. Get out your pens, and prepare to write in our man of the hour.
NAPOLEON BONPARTE FOR PRESIDENT!
