Tits, hooters, boobies, gazongas, melons, bazookas, knockers, rack, globes, tatas. There I said it. All synonyms for that evil pair of accessories that women must hide so that the world will not end. Let's face it. Nothing will bring on the end of times like a couple of nekkid Dolly Partons. Don't believe me? Then follow me below the
cleavage fold...
Today, when checking my Comcast account, I saw a
news item that started like this:
'Breast' Cover Gets Mixed Reaction
NEW YORK - "I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine," one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down," wrote another. "Gross," said a third.
From the same article:
One mother who didn't like the cover explains she was concerned about her 13-year-old son seeing it.
"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast _ it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."
Later on, the same woman added:
"I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see."
Hello? Has there ever been a breast that any man has not wanted to see? Okay, maybe his own mother's or grandmother's (and I still think he would sneak a peek if the moment arose), but other than that, I have never seen a man close his eyes when confronted by an unexpected breast. 
What, you might ask, was so offensive, so gross? What horrible image could so scar a 13-year-old boy for the rest of his life? I will show you, but first I will warn the reader that the picture is very explicit and not for the faint of heart.

Oh, the horror!!!! 
Now, a bit of auto-biography here. When I was growing up, I was quite modest, due more to insecurity rather than any sense that the human body is something to be ashamed of. The irony is that I was so unendowed that I don't think many people would have noticed if I had run around naked. Then I got pregnant, had a baby, and nursed him. It's amazing what pregnancy can do to the size of your chest. I went from Calista Flockhart to Mae West. Not only did I nurse my own kid, but I filled bottles and sent them to hospitals for babies who were unable to nurse. Here's a picture of me taken while I was nursing:

Little modest me nursed my son in public. Most people had no idea what I was doing and paid little notice. If they had, I doubt that it would have caused PTSD (Post-Titty Stress Disorder).
My point is this. Now that I have reached the tender age of none-of-yer-phuckin'-business, I can tell you that a breast is a breast. Some are small, some are large, some are round, some are perky, and some sag. Even men have breasts! However, you will not hear many people screaming that this guy needs to cover up:
Well, okay. I would scream a little bit, but you get my point. This guy wouldn't get arrested walking around topless, but a woman would.
We have a national chain of restaurants named for breasts. Anyone who thinks Hooters refers to owls is too stupid to be allowed in a restaurant where sharp eating utensils might be present.
It's time for America to grow the hell up. A naked breast is not going to hurt anyone, especially one that is feeding a baby. A televised naked breast at halftime will not result in the country going to hell in a handbasket.
In fact, my fellow Americans, there is only one boob we must fear.
