From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
But he's only following orders...
C&J has watched as our President has been savaged by the lefty blogosphere. The accusation: George W. Bush authorized a vicious smear campaign that involved---among other things---blowing the cover of a CIA agent who was working under extraordinarily perilous circumstances to protect America from weapons of mass destruction.
Have "you people" not been paying attention? The outing of Valerie Plame did not originate with President Cuckoo Bananas. Here, let me show you something that may bring things into focus:
President George Bush has claimed he was told by God to invade Iraq.
Iraq. Afghanistan. Social Security. Medicare. Roberts/Miers/Alito. The deficit. Katrina response. Tax cuts for the rich. Cuts in VA benefits. Creepy obsession with mountain biking. All God's work, channeled through the fleshy, dimpled butt parked in the seat behind the desk in the Oval Office.
Sure, Junior could've sought advice from his dad, who railed against anyone who would knowingly out a CIA operative (I believe the expression George H.W. Bush used was "the most insidious of traitors"). But, of course, we know that his earthly pop is "the wrong father to appeal to for advice...there is a higher father that I appeal to."
So what about it, kids...ready to censure God? Not me. I'm slathering on a double coating of Crisco and lookin' busy.
Cheers and Jeers passes the lightning rod to Senator Feingold and cowers before the Almighty in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Note: All proceeds from today's C&J will be donated to the Demoralized Association of Republican Nitwits (DARN). We hear it's standing room only at their clubhouse these days.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Passover: 0
Days `til the YearlyKos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 57
Tornadoes reported in America so far this year: 445 ("five times the average by this time of year over the past decade")
(Source: NOAA via Time magazine)
Percent change in amount of housework done by women after they marry for the first time: +17%
Percent change in amount of housework done by men: -33%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average number of stitches required to sew up an injury caused by a flying iron: 16
Opening day at Fenway: Red Sox 5 Blue Jays 3
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "I hear we're nuking Iran. Please... hold me tight."
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CHEERS to trading Kevlar for plaid shorts and a barbeque apron. A happy Iraq story: After a 15-month tour, Maine's 152nd Maintenance Company has returned to the States safe and sound. Now they'll face their greatest readjustment challenge: overflowing job jars. Thanks, Honey...grumblegrumble.
JEERS to the squabbling nuclear family. Well, this should be interesting...Iran says it has figured out how to make enriched uranium. President Mahmud "Busta" Ahmadinejad says it will only be used for peaceful purposes, such as hair gel, salad dressing and window caulk. And to think our country turns it into bombs. Disgraceful.
CHEERS to mambo Italiano. The margin was as thin as angel hair pasta, but Prime Minister Blueberry Scone (sic?) lost to Romano Prodi, depriving George W. Bush of a European bobblehead ally. Let's see, what enhances the flavor a lefty victory? Ah...a nice Tuscany Chianti.
CHEERS to mambo Californiano. Democrat Francine Busby---looking to replace the jailed (heh) Rep. Duke Cunningham---captured 44% of the vote in yesterday's special election in the 50th District. Says Chris Bowers (who's been following this like a hawk) at MyDD:
Busby is in command in this district, which is solid red. Or rather, it was solid red, but like a lot of districts nationwide, that isn't the case anymore. I like our chances in June.
So when she wins, do we get to refer to her as "The Buster?"
JEERS to cerebral hemorrhages. They suck. Franklin Roosevelt died from one 61 years ago today. While his generation got a rendevous with destiny, ours gets a rendevous with Dubya---thanks a lot. Now comb your hair and go pay your respects. And tell him his Social Security check's in the mail.
CHEERS to delusion in the docket. Some guy in Canada charged with drunk-driving won his case by claiming he suffers from a wacky mental disorder. Some misfiring neuron in his head, so he says, makes him think his car is being steered by female celebrities, including Shania Twain. The judge bought it. After consulting with the Dixie Chicks perched on his gavel.
JEERS to the poor, poor victim. Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling offered a blistering defense of himself in court yesterday. A rough transcript: "Liar! Liar! All of you! You'll never catch me, copper! Stand back! Stand back I say!" He then dove through a side window, commandeered a child's bicycle and led police on a 5-hour slow-speed chase. Maybe something interesting will happen today.
CHEERS to Matzoh Fever. Passover begins at sundown. The Jewish holiday commemorates Charlton Heston's exodus from Egypt three thousand years ago, including his Oscar-nominated parting of the Red Sea. Word of advice: don't hide the Afikomen in Dad's underwear drawer again---that turned out really ugly last year.
CHEERS to the fish that ate the intelligent designers. Scientists have uncovered the 375 million year-old missing link between fish and amphibians, thus driving one more reality-based nail in the anti-evolution crowd's intellectual (snort!) coffin. But what to make of the 375 million year-old packet of tartar sauce with...golden arches??
JEERS to days we'd like to forget. On April 12, 1861, in one of the most tragic mix-ups in American history, Confederate troops accidentally fired cannons loaded with lead balls---instead of the "prank" cannons loaded with confetti---at Fort Sumter, thus igniting the Civil War. You northerners...so touchy.
CHEERS to instant polling. Dick "Dick" Cheney went---unarmed---to a baseball game attended by thousands of Americans yesterday, and got roundly booed by 89 percent of them. Probably not a smart move, fans---whenever his feelings get hurt, he invades a country.
UGH to movies we'd like to pull the plug on. Coming soon to a big or little screen near you: Terri Schiavo---The Movie. Would you prefer popcorn or nachos with that??
JEERS to the worst drivers in the world. Last week I traveled to the Boston area on business and saw a lot of cars that had funny markings on them like these. As soon as I get out of the intensive care unit and these broken vertebrae heal, I intend to find out what they mean.
CHEERS to spring cleaning with panache. Fashion designer Betsey Johnson has apparently gone weeks without food and is willing to take on any job. But we have to admit...her retro O-cel-O sponge is hip and groovy. Now can someone show me how to use it?
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One Year Ago in C&J: April 12, 2005:
JEERS to the thin red line. Teachers at a growing number of schools are being told not to grade papers in red ink because it might startle the delicate sensibilities of the chi'dren. Instead, they're supposed to use happier colors. Because nothing says "You're special" like getting an F in teal.
JEERS to belated admissions. During a `surprise' visit to Iraq ("Uncle Donnie's here! Uncle Donnie's here!"), Rumsfeld admits that---shucks--- "We don't have an exit strategy". Thus concluding the longest nap ever by a sitting Secretary of Defense.
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And just one more...
JEERS to wrong turns. Oops, this isn't going to win any hearts or minds on this block. (On the bright side, at least the driver saved 15% on his car insurance with Geico.)
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"Well, I gave up Cheers and Jeers for Lent, and it's killing me."
Rep. Nancy Pelosi
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