BREAKING...
Just across the wires (or waves for you Wi-Fi folk), Senator John F. Kerry has recieved the endorsement of the world's leading terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.
Bin Laden has been courted by both camps, but swung his support late last night to the underdog Senator from Massachusetts. Kerry and Bin Laden are expected to campaign together throughout the midwest and in the crucial swing state of Florida.
Osama
Bin Laden, yesterday held a press conference outside of a Falafel restaurant in midtown Manhattan, where he has been staying since the republican convention. The terrorist mastermind was asked about his feelings concerning the upcoming presidential election: "Well, of course I am dissapointed in the Evil One, George W. Bush. I had hoped to make an appearance at the Republican National Convention, but I was replaced at the last minute by Zel Miller. However, my disaffection with the republican party goes way back, to before September 11, 2001, and frankly, this split was inevitable."
Bin Laden, who endorsed Bush over rival Al Gore in 2000, says that Bush's policies are leading America down the wrong path. "We used to call America the GREAT SATAN. But no longer; it seems that Bush has put all his energy into the 'Satan', but none into the 'Great'. As you know, I personally HATE freedom, and I view both candidates as too liberal. But this so-called 'War on Terror' in which Bush and I have agreed to fight, is not being waged properly. I am the REAL THREAT to America, but Bush is focusing most of his energy on Iraq. That was not part of the agreement. Bush is not a man of his word - he said that I was wanted dead or alive. Well, here I am...and NOBODY wants me."
Bin Laden stated that he has been trying desperately to contact the Bush/Cheney '04 campaign for weeks now, but that his calls were going unanswered. "We were supposed to collaborate on an October surprise. But instead, this whole Dan Rather/CBS nonsense sprouted up. Bush is all over the map, but missing the real treasure." Osama said he would actively work with the Kerry campaign to assure the Senator's election. "You want to know something? John Kerry is a man who doesn't forget who his friends are, OR who America's enemies are. John Kerry will not go traipsing around the globe in search of tinhorn dictators to dethrone, he will stay focused on ME, and that is why I, as a devout psychopath and Islamic extremist, support his candidacy fully."
The Kerry campaign welcomed the endorsement with a brief statement, "Bin Laden is right about one thing, John Kerry and John Edwards will stay FOCUSED, like a laser beam (literally - we have those) on finding, and capturing Bin Laden."
The Bush campaign was quick to respond as well, issuing the following press release: "This just goes to show that Osama Bin Laden is a flip-flopper. He used to love the president, but now claims to dislike him."
Bush spokesman Scott McClellan elaborated further, at one point excoriating the media for a percieved pro-Kerry slant: "If John Kerry had been president, there would have been NO WAR in Iraq, No massive deficit and double dip recession, and Bin Laden would have been captured long ago...You people would have had NOTHING to report except good news, and you're ratings would be in the toilet ,as people went about living their lives in peace and prosperity."
The news media have promised to remember where their bread is buttered in the future.
