The Plan
It's November Fourth, major combat ended months ago; the mission has been accomplished. It has been a long flight, twelve hours from New York, my donations to the Republican Party have finally paid off. This is the reward. You see, I'm a Stalwart Republican, and contrary to what that pinko left-wing liberal media is saying; things in Iraq have never been better. Schools are open, commerce is thriving, people are going about their business, and those American companies that made the supreme sacrifice have been justly rewarded for the risks they took during the early days of the war. We, the few, the proud, the party faithful, were asked if we'd like to spend our vacation in Iraq this year, all expenses paid. We all quickly agreed. The President's bud Wolfie, has agreed to be our guide. Cool.
The Arrival
Flight Attendant: We are on our final approach to Baghdad International Airport please fasten your seat belts as we begin our final descent.
In the cockpit, the pilot is making final preparations for the landing.
Pilot: Baghdad Tower this is flight 911 "We're Not Scared Airlines" requesting landing instructions.
Tower: Roger that "Not Scared," come left 90 degrees and descend 500 feet to 9500 feet. Good yes that's very good. You are currently on the preferred flight path. Now come right 90 degrees and descend to 9000 feet.
Pilot: Roger that Baghdad coming right 90 degrees.
Tower: "Not Scared", turn left 90 degrees and descend 500.
Pilot: Roger
Tower: Now right 90 another 500.
Pilot: Why the hell do you keep changing my direction. This is confusing I liked it better when it was all lefts, 360 degrees descending 1000 another 360 descending another 1000. This left right shit is fucking me up.
Co-pilot: Not me, I felt screwed every time we came in that other way. I liked it better when we just descended to 200 feet as we cleared Kuwaiti air space, and then just throttled back and set her down when the surface to air missile cleared our tail.
Pilot: Yes, those were the days.
Tower: Okay come left 90 degrees.
Pilot: Did he say left.
Tower: Roger that, left 90 degrees
Pilot: Did he say to descend?
Co-pilot: I don't think so.
Pilot: Fuck were going to...
Tower: "Not Scared" descend 500 ft right 90 degrees.
Pilot: Roger
Tower: "Not Scared" Could you just do it seven more times and let me know when you're finished.
Co-pilot: Did he say finished? Shit!
Pilot: Okay just calm down I've got it under control, You put your left wing down, you put your right wing down, you put your left wing down, and you do the hokey...
Co-pilot: Knock off the horsing around and pay attention to your flying.
Pilot: Yes, well okay, tower are you there tower?
Tower: Yes this is the tower, I'm thinking, why don't you just do a visual landing. You can see us can't you? The runway is the smooth strip of pavement between the craters. God damn that Halliburton they were supposed to have those filled months ago.
Pilot: Roger that tower, the smooth spot.
The Ride From the Airport to Baghdad.
Stalwart Republican: We entered the terminal building, hell of a name that, and over the loudspeaker heard: Welcome to Baghdad International Airport, please enjoy your stay. We walked a few hundred yards to our bus and boarded for the scenic ride into the city. I thought we'd get Hummers for the trip in, oh well maybe we'll get those at the hotel.
Stalwart Republican: What the hell was that, it sounded like an explosion.
Wolfie: Not to worry it was just a road bump. They put them there to slow down the speeders.
Stalwart Republican: Then what the fuck is that, looks like a bus, just like ours, a smoking shell by the side of the road.
Wolfie: Well, as you know the Iraqi civil authorities are taking more and more responsibility for enforcing local ordinances. We have them working on traffic.
Stalwart Republican: That vehicle we just passed, the smoking one.
Wolfie: Which one?
Stalwart Republican: The smoking one.
Wolfie: Oh yes, I think that one was pulled over for speeding.
Stalwart Republican: Speeding?!
Wolfie: Yes we take law and order seriously here in the new Iraq.
Stalwart Republican: I can't wait to get to the hotel, I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach after that landing.
Wolfie: Only a few more Checkpoints, I mean er a few more minutes. There it is now.
Stalwart Republican: That's the hotel, you've got to be shitting me. Take me back to the airport.
Wolfie: Hmm, it looked better the last time I was here.
Stalwart Republican: I think I'll be spending my vacation in France this year.
The Lesson
Wolfie: Shhhh! I'd be careful what you say. The last guy that said that was ... Remember Stalwart, you're either with us or you're against us.
Stalwart Republican: Oh yes, right, I forget there for a minute, sorry. I guess this means no Hummers.
The End
