I can't stop being angry. Before the election, I counted bumper stickers on my way to work and back home. I swear there were not so many W stickers back then as there are now. I believe these cowards put on the stickers after they knew their man had "won." Every time I see one of them, a flicker of near hatred springs up in the pit of my stomach and I think, How could you be so stupid or selfish or fearful or ignorant or whatever their excuse may be?
I've been thinking about making little stickers about an inch high by six inches long with the message "SHAME ON YOU!" I imagine how I could slap them across the W's and Bush/Cheney's so quickly as to not be detected by the video cameras aimed at the grocery store parking lot. It might even be days or weeks before the driver even notices this addition on the back of their car. I am feeling so powerless that these fantasies of snarky vandalism seem my only recourse.
This summer, for the first time in my life, I embraced the label, Democrat. I stood up for the party and their candidate but they did not stand up for me. I would like to believe that the election was stolen, that a majority of voters aren't stupid/selfish/whatever. Kerry's quick concession stunned me, sent me into shock. I was prepared with a full tank of gas to drive to D.C. and mass in the streets but no one called me to action. Democracy died on November 3rd and it went down without an audible whimper. Since then, it's gotten worse...
The utter spineless-ness of elected Dems and their spokespeople is crushing all hope from my heart. I think it may be true: Both parties are mere servants of our Corporate Overlords and no one represents We, The People -- no one. My anger has no outlet and inverts into despair. The Great Democratic Experiment - Our America - is sliding toward dictatorship and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Except retreat.
For my sanity, I can't care anymore but, I still do. I don't want to watch the destruction of Social Security. I don't want to watch the limp, impotent attempts to thwart the intentions of those who control every avenue of People Power - the WH, the Congress, the SCOTUS, the media.
I can't bear to watch the DNC elect someone other than Howard Dean to be their chairman. I know it's coming - another corporate whore will be put in charge and I just don't want to be paying attention when that happens. I can't be angrier without imploding. And, what assurance do I have - really - that Dean is any different from the rest? He could just be a different flavor of tyrant put forth to lull the dissenting masses into thinking they are being heard.
I can't watch Gonzales being invested as AG - a man who can rationalize torture is going to be in charge of our "Justice Dept." The irony is full of lead and nickel-plated to look shiny like silver. FRAUD! The whole damned system is fraud and farce and I need to get to a place in my head where I can laugh at it like it's happening to someone else and doesn't affect me and mine.
I've lost all faith in our political system. I visit DKos less frequently. I comment less. It all seems so futile and adds to my anger and despair. So much effort expended thru keystrokes in a virtual reality. It's wind blowing thru a hollow tube, making a noise but no real change. I feel we are defeated, utterly, and pretending otherwise will not alter that. It's been a massacre and our generals have surrendered. We, the foot soldiers, are left to straggle away and try to find our ways back home, to tiny spheres of influence where we can imagine we have some control.
Maybe I'm stupid and selfish. Maybe I'm too dumb to see the light at the end of the tunnel or feel the power growing from the grassroots. Maybe I'm being selfish, wanting to retreat and think only of providing for me and mine. Maybe...
SHAME ON ME!
But, you know, I'm going to try to break this addiction. I'm going to try to stop clicking on the blogs and devoting hours a day reading about new outrages I am powerless to thwart. I'm going to give apathy a try and see if that improves my mental health. Am I giving up the good fight? I don't see one. I just see - what is that phrase - fury, signifying nothing?