From a STATE OF BLISSFUL IGNORANCE...
As the irregulars know, Bill in Portland Maine is now Bongo Billy in Key West, swilling copious amounts of unfiltered rum and doing his best not to get busted ogling Raoul the towel boy's fine Caribbean ass, so a few of us have offered to fill in while he's away, and I'm up first.
"Why you," you may well ask?
Am I highly qualified? A professional journalist? A trained humorologist?
Hardly.
Again you say, "But why you, Baldwiny?"
Well, it was my idea to have guest hosts, and I figured I'd better put up or shut up. Besides, I don't know when to leave well enough alone.
Of course I cannot hope to rise to Bill's accustomed levels of informedness, snark, or flatulence, but I can try. I hope you all are not too disappointed with my meager efforts.
Bill, thanks for this opportunity, I hope you and Michael are having a great time ... and say hi to Raoul for me.
Cheers and Jeers Mojo Whore Friday begins ... [Pootie!] RIGHTNOW! [Sproing!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 18, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days till spring: 22
Days till Daylight Savings Time: 59
Hours till dinner (PST): 9.5
Age at which a future corporate whore is beyond redemption: 12
Gallons of California wine sold in 2001: 450 Million
(source: www.manick.com/Wine/ )
Bottles of wine drunk by pretentious faux experts since "Sideways" was released: Countless
Number of licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop: 3
(Source: The Owl.)
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck:
"What do you mean? ... African or European woodchuck?"
"Huh? ... I, I don't know that ... AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh ......."
Today's adorable kitty pic. "I'll take one of each, and throw in a couple of crullers."
JEERS to Bush, BushCo, Shrub, Dubya, and all of Chimpy's other names which just don't seem to capture his putrescence well enough for me. I hereby dub thee: Shitsack McWeasel. Try it, I think you'll find it rolls right off the tongue (eeeewwwwwwwww ... ).
CHEERS to The Gates. I don't know what it is, but installation art makes me hungry:
JEERS to Fish and Game. Those bastards shot the tiger that was loose in Southern California. It had been loose since at least Feb 8th, had not hurt any people, pets, or livestock, had not caused any accidents on the freeway, and was described as "skinny," "old looking," and "tired," and they had tranquilizer darts that would have taken 10 minutes to knock it out if it was healthy. So it was loose for a few weeks and hadn't done any harm, but they'd rather kill it immediately than wait ten minutes for the tranquilizer to take effect. Assholes.
CHEERS to Hunter S. Thompson, may he finally get some peace. Here is his final column "Shotgun Golf with Bill Murray," but somehow I doubt it will be his last published work.
Here's a bit of it:
The death of professional hockey in AMERICA is a nasty omen for people with heavy investments in NHL teams. But to me, it meant little or nothing -- and that's why I called Bill Murray with an idea that would change both our lives forever.
It was 3:30 on a dark Tuesday morning when I heard the phone ring on his personal line in New Jersey. "Good thinking," I said to myself as I fired up a thin Cohiba. "He's bound to be wide awake and crackling at this time of day, or at least I can leave a very excited message."
My eerie hunch was right. The crazy bugger picked up on the fourth ring, and I felt my heart racing. "Hot damn!" I thought. "This is how empires are built." Late? I know not late.
JEERS to Shitsack McWeasel. He's deliberately bankrupting the US Treasury so that he and his corporate whore pals can get rid of all those pesky "social" programs, driving the poor and middle classes further and further down, raising a whole new generation of young people with no options outside the military, and padding their own fat bank accounts all the more. http://www.workingforchange.com/article.cfm?ItemID=18583
CHEERS/JEERS to Detroit. Sure the GMC Graphyte is a sweet ride, and it is a hybrid, but no matter what kind of batteries or magic transmission it has I'm just not sure that an SUV with a 323 cubic inch V-8 is really the way to decrease our dependence on fossil fuels. Now you build a muscle car or a camper van with a bio-fuel/electric hybrid powertrain, and I'll be the first in line.
JEERS again to Shitsack McWeasel for ignoring the Kyoto Treaty so that those same corporate whore pals can keep making money right up to the very last day when we ... all ... sink ... slowly ... into ... the ... sea.
CHEERS to somebody trying to do something about it. http://www.grist.org/comments/soapbox/2005/02/16/gelbspan/
Tell the world you support the Kyoto Protocols ... sign the petition today. http://www.kyotoandbeyond.org/
JEERS to Ah-nuld. He's proven to be the biggest sellout imaginable to the very special interests he swore he was against when he was running. The only real surprise here is that this news is actually hitting the RWCM. This is Steve Lopez's column from the LA Times about Arnie, the LA Mayors race, and the California Clean Money Campaign. I hope it happens. Oh, and Arnold's new title? Governor Schwarzenfuckencorporatewhore.
JEERS to "abstinence only" education. Sex is for Fags for the boys, and Iron Hymen for the girls. Finally the youth of today can forget about sex and get back to activities that reflect our country's true moral values ... greed, ignoring the less fortunate, and killing all living things. Of course the sites are a joke, but my outrage that the Govt. thinks anything so backwards, damaging, and exclusionary can be called "education," is not.
CHEERS to "Super Nanny." I caught part of an episode and realized I want Super Nanny to go to DC and teach those spoiled rotten, tantrum throwing egomaniacs that they can't always get their way. It would also help if they had to take a time out till 2009.
New to C&J >>> Gossip, Geeks, and Perversions:
CHEERS/JEERS to big fake mouse ears. Star of the new Disney flic "Herbie: Fully Loaded," teen vamp Lindsay Lohan's boobs were thought to be too distracting at a preview showing of the movie, and will have to be digitally de-hanced before the final release of the film. http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/gossip/lindsay-lohan/index.php
CHEERS to hacking. No, I don't care that someone hacked Paris Hilton's cell phone and posted the info online, or that all the photos she had stored in it were of herself. But I do care, that for a few, brief, shining moments, I had in my possession ... Rhona Mitra's personal phone number. :::Homer drooling noise:::
CHEERS to freeware. Here are the The 46 Best-ever Freeware Utilities. I've used several of these, and the author knows what he's talking about. I even composed today's C&J on EditPad lite. For the geeks, this is almost as good as porn.
CHEERS to porn. (NSFW!) Your Dirty Mind is a porn blog. I apologize for the straight-male-centricity of the link, but it's a fine site with more new, varied, and free daily content from around the web than you can shake ... a ... um ... well ... you know, your ... uh ...
moving on ...
My usual array of pointless diversions:
CHEERS to the Internet Mojo Detector.
Just click the link, put your mouse in the middle, and hold on.
Ok, it's not really a mojo detector, but it's pretty cool. If you're hung over, prone to hallucinations, or suffer from vertigo, you might want to give this one a pass. Oh, and don't forget to embiggen your browser window.
CHEERS to the Authentic Indian Name Generator.
From this day forward, I shall be known as Gregory Rubber Ocelot.
CHEERS to today's flash game thingy: Psycho Pong.
"You think you're so tough, just try it, it's just a stupid little game ... what are ya ... chicken?"
CHEERS to funnies:
And finally ...
Edward had known all along that this would not be his best day on the course.
Bill? I swear I don't know how you do this every day ... God Bless: You, Cheers and Jeers, and all my lovely new friends, the C&J irregulars.
Now grab a handful of these:
and let's get on with the damn show ...
