With the news today that
Bush will testify before the 9-11 commission with Cheney at his side (the ol' Cheney ventriloquist act from his Vaudeville days makes a comeback), I thought it would be a kick to write our own transcripts of that testimony.
Here's my crack at few lines of give-and-take that are almost certain to occur:
BenVeniste: Mr. President, what did you do after you were told that a plane had hit the World Trade Center?
Bush: Are you shittin' me? I `bout wet my pants!
Cheney: (jumping in) With coffee... wet his pants with coffee. He spilled it due to the shock of the event.
Bush: No, I almost sh--
Cheney: (cutting him off) It was a mess. Andy Card had to run and get a towel from the school kitchen.
BenVeniste: Okay... What I meant was, where did you go after the first plane hit the WTC, Mr. President?
Bush: We hustled back to Air Force One and I called my mommy.
BenVeniste: You called your mother?
Bush: Hell yeah! I was cryin' like a baby because I thought they were coming for me next and, goddamn it, I'm the fuckin' President of the United States of Amer'ca and those assholes better understand that Rumsfeld was ready to fire nukes at Iraq right then and there! Mommy told me quit being such a pussy like dad and--
BenVeniste: Wait, wait. Back up. Donald Rumsfeld was ready to use nuclear weapons?
Cheney: (nervous laughter) Heh-heh-heh... The President is a terrific story teller.
Bush: Now, goddamn it, Dick, Rummy was ready to launch!
Cheney: Rummy was ready to LUNCH! LUNCH! Heh-heh...
Bush: It was eight o'clock in the fuckin' morning, Dick! He wasn't going to lunch! That's breakfast time! Even I know that!
Cheney: You're such a kidder, Mr. President...
BenVeniste: If I may, I'd like to get back to my question...
Cheney: (grabbing his chest and flopping off chair, under table) Uh... I think I'm having a problem here...
Bush: Dick, don't pull that crap again. Get back in your seat.
Kean: We better call a doctor!
Bush: Nah! He does this all the time in Cabinet meetings whenever he doesn't want me talk about somethin' I start talkin' about. Like the time I started telling O'Neil that we already gave a big tax break to rich people...
Cheney: (from under table) Mr. President...
Bush: Ouch! Quit kickin' me, Dick!
(AND SO FORTH)
