From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
I {{heart}} Wanda
From the debut of Wanda Sykes' new Saturday night talk show on---heh---Fox:
"I went to sleep, and when I woke up people were mad at Obama. And I thought, 'Did I miss something? Did Obama start an illegal war? Did he fly over a flood zone and just wave? Did he torture detainees in a secret prison? Did he start illegally tapping phones? Did he alienate the world and squander a surplus? Because if he did any of that, we need to impeach that jackass.' ...
I can’t believe people are blaming Obama for the mess Bush left. I mean, Bush just pees all over everything and leaves it soaking wet, and people are looking at Obama like he just zipped up his fly. That's Bush pee!
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"Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, made a triple-X movie of herself. So now we know why she was stripped of her title---not for being anti-gay, but for being pro-stupid. She actually thought it wouldn’t get out? C'mon! It always gets out. That's the first 'Law of Pornodynamics': A pair of fake boobs in motion stays in motion."
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"I hereby appoint myself the president's Tell-People-Where-to-Go-and-What-to-Kiss Czar. Fox News, if you want an exclusive: pucker up!"
Perhaps this is a good time to remind the world that conservatives have virtually a 100 percent failure rate at political comedy on TV. (I wonder how the "retooling" of the 1/2 Hour Comedy Hour is going.) Here's why: political jokes need to start with a kernel of truth, which can then be twisted into something absurd. But they always forget that step. Instead they start with a lie (or a non-truth) which, when twisted, just sits there like a stone-cold turd. That's also why left-leaning political cartoonists clean the clocks of those on the right.
But they'll always have Glenn Beck---the Krusty the Clown of conservatism. Minus the charm but double the bitterness.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 13, 2009
Note: Because it's Friday the 13th, this morning I proactively set myself ablaze and then had my neighbor back over me with his car. It's been relatively calm ever since.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Hanukkah: 28
Days `til the Dances of Vice Festival III in NYC: 7
National median price of a home in the third quarter: $177,900
Percent of home sales during the same period that were categorized as "distressed": 30%
(Source: National Association of Realtors)
Amount of World War II war bonds that are still unclaimed: $16 billion
(U.S. Treasury via the Portland Daily Sun)
Percent profit made by E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial: 4,042%
Percent profit made by Paranormal Activity so far: 573,233%
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,803
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via AnKat): Oh, what the heck...take your pick.
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CHEERS to the compass that doth pointeth 'true north.' Goldman Sachs may be infested with blood-sucking vultures interested only in creating bubbles and cashing out just before they pop them, but they're not stupid. So when they admit that a healthcare plan with a public option is the only kind that will eat into insurance company profits, you know it's the one we should go with. Here endeth the discussion. (Heh...if only.)
JEERS to A Nightmare on Looney Street. Oh noes!!! Five terrorism suspects are being transferred from Guantanamo to stand trial in New York...ON AMERICAN SOIL!!! That sound you hear is the conservative horde stampeding the nightlight section at Walmart. (And be sure to check out the specials on deadbolts in Aisle 3!)
P.S. In all seriousness, and pardon my French, but golly gee whiz, I'm getting so fucking tired of this residual 9/11-themed bullshit that the Republicans keep flinging just to try and scare people. Memo to Mitch McConnell: We were terrorized. We got over it. So get over it!
LATE UPDATE: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is in my living room holding my partner Michael hostage with a spatula. Okay then...this would appear to be awkward.
YEEHAW!!! [Blam! Blam! Blam!] to filling barrels of a different kind. The NRA must be all smiles today, now that Saudi Arabia has legalized the buying and selling of guns "and other firearms" for personal use. And just like here, some citizens over there are concerned:
Lina Al-Ghamdi, a 38-year-old managing director of a private company in Jeddah, is already concerned about what could happen on next year’s Saudi National Day in light of the rampage on the streets of Dammam on this year’s National Day in September. "We can’t even adhere to traffic regulations; how can we put guns in the hands of people who have no discipline?" said Al-Ghamdi.
Here, let me take a, um, shot at explaining. It's pretty simple, really. Step 1: Put guns in the hands of people who have no discipline. Step 2: See Step 1. If you're still confused, just check out episode 16 of Schoolhouse Rock: "Is That A Gun in Your Pocket or... Oh, I See. It Is A Gun In Your Pocket."
JEERS to stupid damn wars. On this date in 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial---a vee shape which points accusingly at the State Department---was dedicated. What, do you suppose, the Iraq war memorial will be shaped like? Yeah, of course...W.
CHEERS to the Fox Conservative Opinion Channel. No, no, really...hear me out. Seems they've finally discovered something called "fact-checking," and their first test of it was conducted this week on none other than Sarah Palin. That's pretty goddam brave, seeing as she's one of the chief warlocks who spins conservative reality out of thin air, which Fox then loads into its echo chamber and blasts out to the gullible masses. So kudos to anchor Bret Baier for showing a little spine. Only six more weeks in the hospital and he'll be good as new.
JEERS to shushers in high places. Oh, good lord, now it's the Vice President who's getting all pissy about "hostile critics" in the media. He accused newsrooms and their editors---which he calls the "unelected elite"---of distorting the facts and inserting bias into stories willy-nilly. Only he's gone further than Obama---he's actually telling people to call stations and newspapers and formally complain about it! What a cranky loon. Spiro T. Agnew, that is. Republican. November 13, 1969. And after he said what he said, the GOP base entered into a period of unfettered Spiro worship. Funny how things change, huh.
CHEERS to home vegetation. There's one single leaf still hangin' on for dear life in the backyard, and I refuse to start raking until it drops. So until then, it's weekend boob-tubage! The big new DVD release of the week is Pixar's Up, although the Blu-Ray release of Logan's Run may give it a visual run for its money. January Jones (Who???) and Black Eyed Peas are on SNL. Sunday you get a chance to "Sieg Heil! [thptht!!!] Heil! [thptht!!!] right in the Fuhrer's face" in color during WWII in HD on the History Channel. 60 Minutes runs the gamut from IEDs to restoration of the marshes in southern Iraq...but we'll be glued to their story on the dude who wants to use DNA to create a real live Dino Chicken!!! (Gee, what could go wrong???) And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with extra exclamation points for Super Excitement!!!
Meet the Press: Hillary!!! Secretary of Education Arne Duncan!!! Al Sharpton!!! (and newt)
This Week: Hillary!!! Gwen Ifill!!! David Corn!!! Bob Woodward!!! (and rudy)
Face the Nation: Sen. Patrick Leahy!!! (and pete hoekstra)
The McLaughlin Group: Eleanor Clift!!! (and the rest)
Bill Moyers Journal: Theatre, poetry and politics with Anna Deveare Smith and John Lithgow, plus the sexy, sexy Bill Moyers!!!
Fox Pity Party Sunday: Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases!!! (and mitch mcconnell and the roundtable with the usual jerkoffs.)
Add 'em up and it's 12 guests in white hats and 18 jerks in black hats. Or, as the beltway producers call it: perfectly balanced. I look forward to watching raking.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 13, 2004
CHEERS to cracks in the dike. Ouch! A pro-miserable-families-and-overpopulation (aka anti-abortion) group is furious with George W. Bush for nominating Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General. Oh please let this get ugly.
JEERS to censoring the Greatest Generation. A bunch of ABC affiliates (including the cowards at WMTW here) refused to show `Saving Private Ryan' because, unlike real wars, it has violence and cursing. Personally, we boycotted it because of even more frightening content: Ted Danson.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the Gandalf of Bloggerland. Happy anniversary to Josh Marshall, whose universally-respected Talking Points Memo turns nine years old today. You can re-live the birth of this progressive supernova in his early posts during the 2000 Florida recount...although I must warn you that it might cause your blood pressure to spike. Polk Award winner Josh and his crew provide no-frills reporting with just enough analysis and snark to help us make sense of politics, and nothing the righty blogs offer comes close to TPM's objectivity, accuracy and speed. Of course, they're no Great Orange Satan...but, then again, no one's perfect.
Oh, and on this date in 1789 Ben Franklin wrote, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." As if to underscore his point, he died five months later---two days after April 15th. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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