From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Mailbag
Dear Mrs. Sherrod,
We were pleased to hear that the inflammatory and factually inaccurate charges of racism that were recently leveled against you via a selectively-edited video have been debunked as ludicrous. We agree that the person who posted the video is a cad, a fraud, a scalawag, a pillock, a roustabout, a ne'er-do-well, a nosey-parker and---if we may be so bold---a chaufferless canvas-sneaker-wearing nose picker. All apologies that have, or should, come your way on this matter are richly deserved.
As is the apology you owe us, Mrs. Sherrod.
Having listened to the entirety of your speech of 27 March, 2010, we find your comments against an entire class of Americans appalling. Specifically, you said, "[I]t's really about those who have versus those who don't. ... [T]he folks with money want to stay in power and, whether it's health care or whatever it is, they'll do what they need to do to keep that power, you know. It's always about money."
I might remind you, madam, that without such funds, we would have no Bentleys, no private jets, no solid-gold commodes, no summer mansions in the Hamptons, and no senators at our beck and call. No private academies for our children, no beluga caviar, no opening-night private-box seats, and certainly no Manolo Blahnik alligator-skin boots. It would be positively dull.
Furthermore, I wonder if you understand just how difficult it is to keep track of what you refer to as "money." The interest alone keeps our accountants working many more hours than we'd like, which, of course, means we have less to spend on the essentials listed above. "Having" is not as easy as it looks, I assure you.
The rest of the country may have let you off the hook, Mrs. Sherrod. But we have not and will not until you apologize for sullying our good name. To put it as bluntly as we can: you have burned our Gucci chaps.
Good day, madam.
I said...good day, madam!
Sincerely,
Mortimer Edward Excelsior "Lou" Winthorp IV, President
The National Society of Haves with Power
P.S. Raffle tickets now on sale for the NSHP's 5,000th anniversary gala. $100,000 each or five for $400,000. Fabulous prizes include a Tuscany villa, a free hidden offshore tax haven, and $1 million donated to the candidate of your choice. The more you buy the better your chances. Good luck!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Note: In a pinch, Cheers and Jeers can be printed out and stitched together to form an attention-grabbing pair of leisure slacks.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the New Jersey State Fair: 9
Days `til the BrickFair Lego Fan Festival at the Dulles Expo Center: 10
Number of cars GM sold in the U.S. during the first half of 2010: 1.07 million
Number of cars GM sold in China during the first half of 2010: 1.21 million
(Source: Builder Magazine via The Week)
Percent of British elementary school students who think Isaac Newton discovered fire: 60%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Combined age of the Rolling Stones: 265
(Source: NBC's Brian Williams)
Year the DC-3 that now serves as the world's largest weathervane was built: 1942
(Source: ExploreNorth.com)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 172 (including 3 Date Settings and 1 underemployed Son of God). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: If only they'd been in charge
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CHEERS to changing the system. I wrote about this last week on the national level, but now it's hitting close to home. Here in Maine, people are starting to realize that, for most of them, Obamacare means free preventive care:
Annual physical exams, blood tests, routine cancer screenings and other preventive health care services will soon be less costly for many Mainers. New federal rules set to take effect over the next several months will eliminate preventive care co-pays and deductibles for people covered by Medicare and new private insurance plans. ...
"If we can detect and find things early, you're definitely going to prevent the expensive downstream costs," said Betsy Johnson, a physician and medical director at Portland-based Martin's Point Health Care.
Seniors who have Medicare coverage currently have to pay the entire cost of annual physicals and as much as 20 percent of the cost for periodic tests, such as mammograms and colonoscopies. As of Jan. 1, Medicare will pay 100 percent of those costs, as well as fully covering some other services.
As much as we fought for a better bill, there's still a lot---waaaaaay more than enough good stuff---that our congresscritters can talk up to their constituents at town hall meetings during the August recess. Same goes for financial regulation and stimulus projects, too. Hell, if it weren't for the heat they could dress up like Santa Claus and arrive with a sack full of legislative goodies for all the boys and girls. If our party can't blunt the "Dems are toast" meme by firmly and loudly talking up their accomplishments in the face of radical extremist America-killing Republican opposition, then they deserve the loss. And, from me, a lump 'o coal.
JEERS to Day 100. Because this is all we're gonna be hearing today:
CNN: Today marks the 100th day of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster...
ABC: Our round-the-clock coverage of Day 100 continues...
NBC: Day 100: what does it mean...and what doesn’t it mean?
CBS: 100 days. Not 101. But also not 99. What does it mean?
MSNBC: But Joe, I can only count to ten!
Jeopardy: What is one hundred days?
Jay Leno To commemorate the 100th day of the oil spill, Hillary Clinton wore her favorite pant suit and her husband committed adultery. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!
David Letterman: One hundred days. Hey, cut me a slice 'o that!
Crappy anniversary, everyone. If you need me I'll be in my bunker 'til midnight.
P.S. Siberia-bound (in our dreams, anyway) "former" BP CEO Tony Hayward says that we demonized him. Yay! He got something right for once.
CHEERS to red meat. On this date in 1900, while trying to piss off his vegan neighbor (some say), Louis Lassen reportedly invented the humble hamburger. It has since gone upscale in some places, like Memphis:
The newest entry in the burger competition is the Thyme Burger at the 2-month-old Thyme Bistro. Created by chef and owner Rick Saviori, this concoction---with some interesting deviations from the norm---stacks Donnell Farm beef, baby spinach, Muenster cheese, fried green tomatoes and...roasted garlic aioli on a ciabatta bun with fries for $12. The fried green tomatoes, juicy yet toothsome, lend this burger unique richness and texture.
So pretty much exactly like your experience at McDonald's except completely not.
JEERS to the 41-seat majority. You'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever guess what Senate Republicans did yesterday when faced with a historic opportunity to pass meaningful campaign finance reform. They passed it!!! Yup---through their colon, out their asses and into the dead bill dungheap:
Senate Republicans narrowly blocked Democratic campaign finance disclosure legislation in the Senate Tuesday after raising concerns the bill would curb freedom of speech and tilt campaign spending in favor of the Democrats. A 57-41 vote fell short of the 60 votes needed for the Senate to cut off debate on the measure. ... Democrats said the legislation---known as the DISCLOSE Act---would bring greater transparency to campaign contributions from corporations, labor unions, and other special interests, which were able to ramp up political spending in the wake of the Supreme Court's controversial ruling in Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission earlier this year.
Once again, a perfectly sensible bill gets flushed because Republicans are such scaredy cats that they can't even allow it to go to the floor so its pros and cons can be discussed. Oh, wait...actually I get it now. The bill didn't have any guns or bombs in it. Makes perfect sense. And in other news, an emergency supplemental bill that frees up $37 billion in money on loan from China for guns and bombs slipped through Congress faster than it takes Sharron Angle to slip through the back door during a press conference. Don't lose it all in one place, kids.
CHEERS to Bubba's foresight. Addressing a veterans convention in New Orleans on July 28, 1996, Bill Clinton called on Congress to pass expanded measures against acts of terror in the United States. It was a more innocent time back then, and today the Adult Children Moving Back in with their Parents Act seems rather quaint.
JEERS to the hellhole. I really don’t have much to say about the release of 91,000 classified military documents by WikiLeaks that offer a day-by-day account of what our troops are going through in Afghanistan. It basically just confirms what we know already: war is hell. Literally. Fire and smoke and explosions and shrapnel and blood and pain and dust and dirt and heat and cold and squalor and spies and turncoats and Taliban ambushes and pallets of bribe cash for warlords and boredom and snipers and sweat and dehydration and grime and stink and PTSD and every day is Groundhog Day as every day has been Groundhog Day there for a thousand-plus years. Adding insult to injury, they've even lost their loaded potato skins and mozzarella sticks. And Beelzebub's sittin' on top of an open garbage heap in Kandahar thinkin' to himself, "Shit, man, I gotta start takin' notes. This would make an awesome theme park." But on the plus side, the documents confirm: it's a dry heat.
CHEERS to feeling your pain. On July 28, 1865, the American Dental Association proposed its first code of ethics. Celebrate the occasion by sticking a sharp metal pick into the mouth of someone you love. (If you need a refresher tutorial, here's a free demonstration by Dick Cheney.) Be sure to get under the gum line!
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Five years ago in C&J: July 28, 2005
JEERS to misplaced priorities. What's more important to the knuckledragger wing of the Republican party than providing support for our national defense? Why, pandering to the NRA, of course! The Goopers put off passing a defense bill until fall so they could instead pass a bill shielding gunmakers from liability lawsuits. Shoot me now.
CHEERS to sky percussion. It happened around 8 O'clock last night outside the BiPM household---one of those heart-stopping thunderclaps where the lightning and thunder hit simultaneously right outside the window, rattling the teeth and releasing a quart of adrenaline. Mother Nature's version of Red Bull.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to celestial scale-busters. Look! Up in the sky! It's a really, really fat bird! No, it's a humongoid plane! No, wait, never mind...it's just the heaviest stars ever discovered by humankind. Scientists are rather gobsmacked by the find, saying that one star weighs "more than 300 times the mass of the Sun, or twice as much as the currently accepted limit of 150 solar masses." The likely reason for the phenomenon, according to astronomical dieticians: too much high-fructose quark syrup.
Have a nice Wednesday. Spend some time teaching your kids valuable career skills. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Look at what has happened to Miami. It has become a Third World country. You just pick it up and take it and move it someplace. You would never know you're in the United States of America. You would certainly say you're in Cheers and Jeers."
---Colorado gubernatorial candidate Tom Tancredo
2006
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