Oh, this was some sweet snark from Colbert, tackling O'Reilly's stupid claim that he could PROVE God exists because... get this... the tides and the sun run like clockwork. No, really, he said it.
BILL O'REILLY (7/6/2007): I just don't think we could've lucked out to have the tides come in, the tides go out. Sun go up, sun go down. Don't think it could've happened.
Now like all great theologies, Bill's can be boiled down to one sentence.
There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
The point is, there is a God, because we don't know what causes the tides, and we can never know what causes them. ... So get used to it, atheists. There is a God, he created the tides, and no one can explain what causes them.
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually, Stephen, I can.
Yep, special guest appearance by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson to debunk Bill O'Reilly!
Video and transcript below the fold.
Nation, Bill O'Reilly has done it again! This week, Bill did what centuries of philosophers before him could not do. He proved the existence of God. Papa Bear was debating the president of the American Atheists association, David Silverman. And might I suggest to Mr. Silverman, if you're trying to win Christians over to atheism, it's probably not the best strategy to look like the Devil.
See, what happened here, folks, was this. The atheist, Mr. Silverman here, put up a billboard in Huntsville, Alabama, that says of all religions, "You KNOW they're all SCAMS."
Well, Bill nailed him like Martin Luther King nailing Jesus to a church door. Jim, show us the light!
BILL O'REILLY (1/4/2011): I'll tell you why it's not a scam, in my opinion. Tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that.
Yeah! You don't have any answer to that, do you, Mr. Atheist-Pants? Now it turns out this wasn't the first time Bill has proven God's existence.
BILL O'REILLY (5/9/2007): I say listen, sun goes up, sun goes down. Tide comes in, tide comes out. There's no miscommunication.
BILL O'REILLY (1/5/2011): Sun comes up, the sun goes down. The tide comes in, the tide goes out. It always happens. Never a miscommunication.
BILL O'REILLY (7/6/2007): I just don't think we could've lucked out to have the tides come in, the tides go out. Sun go up, sun go down. Don't think it could've happened.
Now like all great theologies, Bill's can be boiled down to one sentence.
There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
The point is, there is a God, because we don't know what causes the tides, and we can never know what causes them. My best guess is that the ocean levels rise when God gets in the bath, and lower again when he gets out. And he takes two baths a day, because cleanliness is next to Him-liness. So get used to it, atheists. There is a God, he created the tides, and no one can explain what causes them.
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually, Stephen, I can.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Astrophysicist and director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History, Neil deGrasse Tyson?!? Neil, thanks so much!
TYSON: Hello!
COLBERT: Hey, so, Neil, what are you doing here?
TYSON: Well, so I was in the planetarium in my office, and I overheard your confusion about tides, so I rushed right over.
COLBERT: How did you get here so fast?
TYSON: I have a wormhole.
COLBERT: Wow.
TYSON: So Stephen, the changing tides are caused by a couple factors, but mostly the Moon.
COLBERT: The Moon makes the tides change. So the oceans are werewolves, that makes sense. OK, thanks for stopping by, Neil.
TYSON: No, no, Stephen, Stephen, that's not right. As the Moon orbits the Earth, the gravitational force exerts a pull on the side of the Earth closest to the Moon, and that raises the tides.
COLBERT: So the Moon controls the tides.
TYSON: Exactly.
COLBERT: So the Moon is God. All hail Luna!!!
COLBERT: All hail Luna, virgin bride of Father Night! We must stone heretic Neil Armstrong for soiling her face with his boot!
TYSON: Stephen, Stephen, the Moon is not God. It's just astrophysics.
COLBERT: And you know this because...?
TYSON: I'm an astrophysicist.
COLBERT: So you control the tides. (thinks) Neil deGrasse Tyson is God!!! Kneel before Neil! Kneel before Neil!
TYSON: No, I wish you wouldn't.
COLBERT: We'll be right back! Kneel before Neil!
So basically, Bill O'Reilly went the way of Insane Clown Posse when they released their song "Miracles" with the now-infamous line, "fucking magnets, how do they work?"
Of course, they weren't being serious, while O'Reilly sadly is, methinks.
Also, Jon Stewart also had some fun over the House reading the Constitution and John Boehner's incessant crying.
Oh, and I got this Facebook status update from a high school friend of mine when she was upset at all the right-wingers gloating about taking over the House on Wednesday.
Did you know that, "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"? And if you rearrange the letters in "Tea Party Republicans," and add just a few more, it spells: "Shut the fuck up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent hypocrites and deal with the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush and that our president is black, so get over it."
She had gotten it from her former college roommate. Feel free to spread that around, post it on Facebook yourself, clean it up a bit, whatever. :-)
Update: Yay, top of the Rec list! Oh wait, I've been here before. ;-) Hmm... maybe I should've titled yesterday's diary "Jon Stewart humiliates John McCain" instead, and the one the day before "Stephen Colbert humiliates Ron Paul over the gold standard". ;-)
So now that people are seeing this diary, I wonder if O'Reilly is going to whine tonight about how those "far-left loons" on DailyKos are attacking him again. :-D
And because some people were asking about it, I've added a poll to get your feelings on O'Reilly and his understanding of tides.
