RG Prather

RG Prather https://www.dailykos.com/user/RG Prather/rss/index.xml News Community Action Copyright 2005 - Steal what you want Mon, 27 Jan 2020 12:56:56 +0000 Mon, 27 Jan 2020 12:56:56 +0000 Daily Kos rss@dailykos.com (Daily Kos) Daily Kos rss@dailykos.com (Daily Kos) Donald Trump's Letter to Santa* https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/12/18/1612334/-Donald-Trump-s-Letter-to-Santa Dear Santa, You know, every year since I was eight I’ve written you asking for a few simple gifts, and every year you’ve ignored me. In that first letter all I asked for was an Arabian stallion with a gold saddle. And what did I get from you? Nada, hombre. And I’ve gotten bupkis every since. You think I’m naughty or something? Sure, I’ve done some things over the years that regular folks might call “naughty,” but everyone involved either had a great time or made some money, so what’s the harm? So unfair. You shouldn’t be so judgey. I mean look in the mirror, fatso. You make Rosie O’Donnell look like Giselle Bundchen. You do know I’m the new President of the United States, right? I’ve been so good this year you wouldn’t believe it. Millions of people love me—absolutely LOVE me—and love the wonderful things I promised to do for them. They voted me big-league into the highest office of the land, if not the world. Could a naughty person have accomplished that? Oh sure, I might’ve fibbed to them here and there, but that’s just how you make a sale. (Oh, and by the way, if you want to see a really naughty person, just look at Crooked Hillary Clinton. Such a naughty person. Very nasty woman. I would leave a big fat lump of coal in her stocking if I were you.) So as usual, all I want for Christmas is a clone of my beautiful daughter Ivanka—the same thing I’ve requested for the past ten years THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DELIVERED. You’re supposed to be some sort of magic elf, right? You can get this done, correct? How hard could it be? I mean, MAGIC, right? If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Not literally, because I never touch fat people. I could create a new position for you in my cabinet, like Secretary of Jolliness or something. Or how would you like a nuclear-powered sleigh? I mean, what’s with the flying reindeer? So old school. Sad. You need to upgrade, or that Amazon weasel Jeff Bezos might be taking away your gig. So let’s make a deal. I’m the best at making deals. Otherwise, if I don’t wake up Christmas morning to an exact duplicate of my hot daughter under my tree—which, by the way, is a thirty-foot Caucasian fir flown over all the way from Russia by my friend Vladmir, the the best and biggest tree, solid gold ornaments, so classy, you can’t miss it—I will not be happy. And come January 20, I’ll be sworn in as President and Commander-in-Chief, meaning I’ll have the world’s greatest military and a whole bunch of nukes at my disposal, know what I mean? And I have your address. The North Pole, right? I don’t know where that is exactly, but I have some very smart people working for me who can find it. Maybe you’d like to come to Trump Tower to negotiate. I’d be fine with that. I’d love to get a picture with you. Maybe I could sit on your lap. No, that would be weird. I could have Ivanka sit on your lap. No, I’d rather she sit on mine. (So hot.) You and I will do a deal and just shake hands. That’s what grown men do. Give my people a call and we’ll set something up, OK? And don’t try to weasel out of this. Remember—I have a Twitter account and I know how to use it. Merry Christmas! President-elect Donald J. Trump *Not an actual letter. rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) DonaldTrump IvankaTrump Santa SantaClaus Satire _1612334 Sun, 18 Dec 2016 16:56:26 +0000 Trump's Non-Concession Speech* https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/11/8/1593300/-Trump-s-Non-Concession-Speech The following is a transcript of the speech given by Donald Trump on Tuesday, November 8, 2016 at 11:49 p.m. at Trump Tower in New York: DONALD TRUMP: Folks, folks, we have come to the end of a long and hard-fought journey. The voters have spoken and have chosen Hillary Clinton to be our next pres—oh, the hell with it. I’m not reading this shit. (Tosses prepared remarks aside.) I just heard that all the biased media just declared Crooked Hillary the winner of the presidential race. Is that a surprise, folks? I’ve told you from the beginning that this election was rigged. Rigged, rigged, rigged! Am I right? I’m going to demand a recount of every single vote cast across the country in every state. No, no, on second thought that would be a waste of time. I’m just going to declare myself the winner right here and now. I will be the next president of the United States. I am president. If the Electoral College—whatever the hell that is—disagrees with me, I’ll sue their asses off. Hillary thinks she’ll be president. Wrong. (The crowd starts chanting: Lock her up! Lock her up!) That’s right, folks. When I’m sheriff I will lock her up. My people—and I have the best people—have told me that Democrats were literally digging up corpses and making them vote throughout the day. All over the country, everywhere. That’s right. And some people are saying that Democrats were voting three, four, six times. The voter fraud has been huge. And I’ve heard that many of my supporters were turned away from the polls just because they were exercising their Second Amendment rights and wearing guns and carrying assault rifles and shoulder mounted missile launchers. These are ordinary people like you just trying to exercise their whatever-amendment right to vote while armed. Plus some stayed home because they were told that Election Day is November 28th. I don’t know where they got that idea. It’s so wrong. So wrong. I also heard that Hillary’s campaign team personally escorted the entire population of the Louisiana State Penitentiary to the polls to vote illegally. That’s about 20,000 people right there. Twenty-thousand fraudulent votes. Can you believe that? Totally unacceptable. I. CONCEDE. NOTHING. I’ll be taking the oath of office on January 28th, no doubt about it. (Ivanka Trump rushes to her father’s side.) IVANKA: Dad, please! It’s over. You lost. It was a fair election. Now concede and come back to your room. I have some of those pills you like. DONALD: No, honey. I’ve got to keep fighting. For truth, justice and the American way. For I am Superman. Super Donald. Super Trump. Yes, I like that. IVANKA: Dad, stop it! You’re ruining our brand! (Eric and Donald Trump Jr. take the stage and lead Donald away.) DONALD: I shall return! This isn’t over! IVANKA: On behalf of my father, I’d like to congratulate Hillary Clinton on becoming the first female president of the United States! Thanks and goodnight! (Ivanka rushes off the stage as the crowd surges forward and starts to destroy everything in sight.) *Clearly this is satire. rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) concessionspeech DonaldTrump Election2016 IvankaTrump _1593300 Tue, 08 Nov 2016 16:02:04 +0000 How to Lose an Election* https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/10/1/1576861/-How-to-Lose-an-Election “So, how am I gonna lose this thing without looking like I’m losing this thing?” Donald Trump asked, slipping one tiny hand into a small bag of Cheetos. “I mean, I know I’d be a terrific president, probably the best, but seriously folks, I don’t want this job. I just wanted to expand the audience for the future Trump network, which I promise you will be the best thing ever to happen to television. “I didn’t plan on going this far, but let’s face it, people love me.” He munched on the orange snack that matched his skin color and paced around his fabulous campaign headquarters. It was decorated with posters of his face, life-size cutouts of him, and a bronze statue of him that he’d purchased with charity funds. He chuckled at the memory. Suckers. His closest advisers were there: the two Rogers—Ailes and Stone—Rudy Guliani, Chris Christie, the Breitbart guy (Steve something?), Donnatella Versace Lookalike campaign manager woman (Carrie-Anne? Sue-Anne? Something like that), some white-haired guy who seemed to have some job in the campaign, his wife Melania, and daughter Ivanka and her husband. “You could drop out at the last second for health reasons,” said Christie. “That’s a loser reason,” Trump said. From a fat fucking loser. “Remember, the original goal was to see this through and lose by a tiny, tiny margin and then blame Crooked Hillary and the rigged system. But now it looks like I’m gonna beat her by a landslide. That would be beautiful and is only natural because I’m a born winner and a have the best temperament—everyone can see that—and Hillary is a fat-thighed loser in a pantsuit. I think winning is in actually in my DNA. “But trust me, I don’t wanna be president. Not for that long, anyway. Being president is for nerds and stupid Poindexters. I hear Obama stays up late reading briefing papers. Briefing papers! Are you kidding? What a loser! At night I just want to fuck my wife while fantasizing about my daughter and then roll over get some shuteye so I can get up before dawn and start tweeting about the losers who are against me.” “Donald!” “Dad!” “What? What did I say? Believe me, it would be fantastic to get into the Oval Office and fuck up everything Obama has accomplished in the past eight years in my first week on the job. But then I’d still have three years and, what, forty-something weeks left in the stupid, boring job. What am I gonna do in all that time? Nuke countries that piss me off? Again, fun, but I’ve got better things to do.” “Why did you even run for president in the first place?” Christie again, looking like his fat feelings are hurt. Boo-hoo! Oh, Mr. Trump, you beat my huge ass in the primaries and you didn’t even really want the job. Wah! “Did you see how Obama made fun of me at the correspondents’ dinner thing five years ago? Ridiculing me while I could do was sit there and smile? Nobody puts Donald Trump in a corner and gets away with it!” He felt that familiar rage rising in his breast, turning his orange face an odd shade of mauve. “All I really want is my own TV network, which will be a beautiful network, probably the most watched network in the history of television.” “Mm-mmm,” Ailes cleared his throat. Great. Jabba the Hut has something to say. No wonder this guy had to blackmail women into having sex with him. Otherwise he’d have to find a blind chick with no sense of touch. “Our network will indeed be quite competitive, I’m sure.” Ailes said. “Right, Jabb—uh, Roger.” “During this campaign we’ve a built-in audience of millions of twenty-one to forty-nine-year-old racists, sexists, nationalists and other right-thinking people,” Ailes continued. “I’m pretty sure we’ll crush Fox News, since their elderly audience is dropping dead like flies. Hell, like I’m a spring chicken compared to Fox’s typical viewer. I’m glad I timed the sexual harassment scandal against me like I did so I could leave Fox at just the right moment. That was brilliant, if I do say so myself.” “I should probably point out that although this race is very close, Hillary still has the edge in the electoral college numbers. I, uh, don’t think you have to worry about crushing her in a landslide.” Son-in-law. What’s his name again? Something Jewish. Jacob? Jehovah? I should get him to do my taxes. “Jared’s right, Dad,” Ivanka said. Jared! Like that fat Subway spokes-guy who liked sandwiches and little boys. Pervert. “You should just keep being you. I think it’ll all work out fine. This will be a close race.” “I dunno, darling. I seem to be incapable of losing. What if I—after getting elected and canceling Obamacare and reinstating torture for suspected terrorists and black people and having dinner with Vlad Putin a couple of times and lowering taxes for rich people and ordering my companies to build that huge beautiful wall and nuking ISIS and North Korea—what if I just said that the system is hopelessly broken and I will no longer sully my hands—my big, beautiful hands—with it and just resign and let the vice president—that Mark Putz guy—take over?” “My name is Mike Pence,” said Mike Pence. Oh yeah. That’s who White Hair is. “I have a great idea. I have so many of them it’s amazing. As President, I could declare that PBS is now the Trump Network. That is genius! I have such a good brain!” Rudy Guiliani wiped his oily forehead with a handkerchief. Ugh. This Elmer Fudd guy is disgusting. But he knows the right people. “I’m afraid you can’t turn public broadcasting into a private corporation, especially one you have ownership in,” he said. “In fact, you can’t do many of those things without Congressional approval. Except resign, of course. You know—constitutional checks and balances and all that stuff. The president can’t just do what he wants. Except Obama, of course.” Nice sarcasm. Maybe this guy is not a total loser. “How about if on my first day I declare the Constitution null and void? Maybe have the speechwriters whip up a new one. We definitely need to get rid of some of those amendments. Free press? Due process? Can’t own slaves? Bad, bad ideas. Plus, too many words.” “You can’t just toss out the Constitution,” said Chris Christie, through a mouthful of Cheetos. Almost as disgusting as Rosie O’Donnell. Mike Pence rubbed his temples. “Yes, that would be completely, well, unconstitutional, but I like the basic idea. Liberals have been trampling the constitution for eight years, and now it’s time for we true conservatives to set things right. We could propose amendments to the Constitution that would be ratified by conservative voters. We quite possibly could get rid of the free press and put the gays back in the closet and ban women from getting abortions, and restore the Republic to what it was originally—one nation under God. It would take years, but we could conceivably do it.” Why is this schmuck quoting the—what’s it called—Pledge of Allegiance? “I think those are good ideas, Mikey, but very, very time consuming. Would you be willing to become president and take over once I resign?” “Oh, God. Oh my sweet Lord, yes!” Pence said, placing his palms together and uttering a silent prayer. “Look, I just wanna be in office long enough to repeal Obamacare and a shitload of Obama’s pussy regulations. Ooh, global warming is going to kill our grandchildren! Ooh, Iran might get nukes! Ooh, women deserve equal pay! Ooh, assault rifles might kill people! What a weak, weak man. On the plus side, he isn’t fat like most black people.” “You know, I’d really like to see you be elected and serve out a full term as president,” said the Brietbart guy. “But you’re right that starting the new TV network is more important. We can shape conservative opinion for years, and pull this country back from the brink of losing white supremacy forever. Plus it may make us all billionaires.” “I’m already a billionaire.” “Um… yeah,” Brietbart guy continued. “I think we should still aim for a narrow loss on November eighth.” Trump sighed. “Okay, so we’re agreed. I’ll keep saying and tweeting crazy things and we’ll see what happens on Election Day. But I warn you, so many people love, love, LOVE me, how can I possibly lose?” *Yes, this is satire. rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) ChrisChristie DonaldTrump Election2016 IvankaTrump RogerAiles RudyGuliani _1576861 Sun, 02 Oct 2016 02:27:23 +0000 Trump's Doctor Releases New Statement https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/9/12/1569489/-Trump-s-Doctor-Releases-New-Statement To Whom It May Concern, I have been future President Donald J. Trump’s personal physician for many, many years now. On September 8, 2016, I performed a complete physical exam on Mr. Trump, testing him for every disease, disorder and ailment known to man. <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/08/bornstein-trump-linguistics/497840/" target="_blank">As I wrote last December</a>, Mr. Trump’s health is just fabulous, absolutely superb. (Unlike his crooked opponent, who in my professional opinion is a weak, weak woman and even weaker presidential candidate who will probably be deceased within four years.) If anything, Mr. Trump has only gotten healthier in the past nine months. He has lost an additional ten pounds due to the incredible rigors of the campaign trail, which to him are nothing. Standing naked before me, he displayed the physique of a Greek god. His blood pressure remains a steady 110/65, no matter how much stress he is under. This, in my medical opinion, makes him the ideal candidate to confront America’s enemies and destroy them completely. His mental health remains excellent, and his sky-high IQ remains unchanged from the genius level he displayed at as young man, when he began planning winning real estate deals that would make him one of the richest men in the universe. Believe me, his brain is one of the best brains I have ever seen. His physical strength, stamina and sexual prowess are that of a twenty-year-old Olympic athlete. This is a man who will never need Viagra, and believe me, his sexual organs are just tremendous, by which I mean huge. (Just like his hands.) He will probably be able to please women and produce offspring well into his hundred-and-twenties, and I fully expect him to live that long. The extensive battery of tests I ran on Mr. Trump all came back positive, which is an amazing medical rarity. Such an individual comes along perhaps once a millennium. Trust me, his test scores on the CBC, PSA, LDL, HDL, ETC., are perfect. I won’t bore you with specifics. Mr. Trump has never had cancer, has all his original joints and original hair, and does not use alcohol, drugs, tobacco or any other harmful and disgusting product. Actually, despite a steady diet of Big Macs and KFC, his heart pumps blood more efficiently than perhaps any other human being on the planet, which is a further testament to his practically invincible health. I can state with absolute confidence that President Trump will be the healthiest person ever to occupy in the Oval Office from now until probably the end of time. I will stake my reputation on it. Hank Bornstein, DVM America’s Greatest Doctor rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) blusterpigs DonaldTrump trump trumpsdoctor trumpshealth _1569489 Mon, 12 Sep 2016 23:52:11 +0000 President Trump's Second Day https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/5/29/1532332/-President-Trump-s-Second-Day January 21, 2017. The Oval Office Chief of Staff Corey Lewandowski bursts in on President Donald J. Trump. “Mr. President, we have a problem.” “What is it, Corey? Did Christie choke on another donut? I knew I should’ve picked someone else besides that fat loser to be vice president. Sad. “ “No sir, it’s the Russians. They’re threatening to launch a retaliatory missile strike against us if we nuke ISIS in Syria like you promised to do.” “Hey, I gave ISIS until Saturday to pack up their turbans and get the hell out of there or else we’d nuke ‘em till they glow.” “Sir, this is Saturday.” “Already? I should be playing golf right now. I didn’t expect to be presidenting on weekends. Hey, look at this photo spread of Ivanka in Vogue. Isn’t she gorgeous? Too bad she can’t be First Lady.” “Also, the Chinese and North Korea are threatening military action if you don’t back down. They’re saying you’re the most dangerous tyrant on the planet.” “Really? That Kim Dong What’s-his-face called me a dangerous tyrant? That’s beautiful. Very gratifying. Always keep your enemies on the ropes, Corey.” “Um, this is very serious sir. The UN is calling an emergency meeting of the Security Council and they want you there personally. Every country in the world is against using nukes against ISIS. Even Israel and the Saudis are worried about the fallout—literally. Plus markets across the world are spooked. Economists are predicting the worst crash in history when the markets open on Monday.” “I’ve got no time for those losers, OK? Hey, how’s the blueprint on that Mexican wall coming along? Don’t forget I want my name repeated on it every thousand feet to remind those rapists and criminals who’s keeping them out. It’s gonna be so beautiful.” “Sir, we haven’t even started on the wall. We have much higher priorities. Plus there’s a huge march being planned on Washington by American Muslims and their supporters to protest your executive order banning all Muslims from entering the country. It promises to be the biggest protest march in American history. ” “That’s wonderful. That’ll make it easier to round ‘em up and ship ‘em out.” “We can’t just arbitrarily deport American citizens. Plus the ACLU has filed suit against you for ordering that all Muslim-looking people have to eat a piece of bacon before entering the country. For the record, observant Jews don’t eat pork either.” “Corey, Corey, Corey. I’m the president and I can do whatever I want. How about if we just tattoo these losers? Maybe something on their foreheads that’s conspicuous but tasteful. Like ‘Muslim’ in that font I always spell my name in on my buildings. Yes, that’ll be terrific. I have a very good brain for these things.” “Sir, I’m pretty sure that’s unconstitutional as well. Not to mention reminiscent of Nazi Germany.” “Everybody’s so PC these days. Sad. Why are you sweating like a pig, Corey? It’s disgusting. Take your jacket off or something and step back a few feet. You keep this up, and I’ll chose a new chief of staff so fast it’ll make your head spin. Hey, do we have any Trump steaks left in the freezer? I’ll bet Vlad Putin would like a dozen of those. Plus some bottles of Trump vodka. That was wonderful, wonderful stuff.” “Sir, I think your steaks are long gone. Frozen beef doesn’t keep forever. And Trump vodka was rebranded as paint remover a few years ago.” “That was strong stuff. Got you drunker than a Russian whore in no time.” “Sir, the U.N. General Secretary is demanding that you call him.” “What’s that guy’s name again? Donkey-something?” “Ban ki Moon.” “Yeah. Sounds like Asian food. Hey, get Secretary of State Palin to call him. She can handle those guys. She just needs to flash her rack at them. Hey, what’s that noise?” “Civil defense sirens, sir. Oh my God!” Secret Service agents burst into the room. “We’ve got to get you to safety, sir! The North Koreans have launched a nuclear strike against us!” “Well, shit! Hey Corey, bring that Vogue to the bunker, would you? We might be down there a while.” rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) ChrisChristie DonaldTrump SarahPalin _1532332 Sun, 29 May 2016 18:25:48 +0000 CDC Warns Against Trumpism https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/4/3/1509990/-CDC-Warns-Against-Trumpism The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a warning about a widespread outbreak of a disease it has dubbed Trumpism, which over the past several months has infected a wide swath of the American populace. The disease appears to have originated when reality TV star Donald Trump announced his bid for the Republican nomination for president on June 16, 2015 (hence the disease’s name). Scientists believe the disease has lain dormant among a certain sector of the population until Mr. Trump’s speech somehow activated it. The cause is currently undetermined by health officials. Symptoms include inarticulate rage, homophobia, xenophobia (except against attractive Eastern European females), hatred of non-Christian religions, paranoia (especially believing that the news media are uniformly deceitful), mistrust of science, bullying others or actually committing physical violence against them, tantrums featuring such childish phrases as “He started it!,” a denial of proven facts, lying to a pathological degree, sudden cravings for a spray tan, constantly repeating the sentence “He tells it like it is,” a reduction of vocabulary to approximately 25 words, and the urge to be held and protected by a large orange-skinned man, namely Donald Trump. Trumpism primarily affects older white Americans without college degrees who already displayed mild degrees of racism and xenophobia, but whose symptoms increased approximately a hundred-fold after listening to Mr. Trump or attending one of his rallies. The disorder also afflicts some self-hating minorities. The disease is less harmful to its victims than to those around them. “I was at this Trump rally just standing quietly in protest,” said Darrell Jackson of Phoenix, a 25-year-old African American male who has not been infected by Trumpism, despite exposure to its carriers. “Suddenly the police dragged me away and this old white dude sucker punched me in the face as I was led out. Luckily he was about a hundred years old with arms like wet noodles, so it didn’t hurt that much.” The CDC recommends that if you encounter a sufferer of Trumpism, you should back slowly away from them and head immediately to a locale populated by rational, intelligent people, such as Canada, until the outbreak subsides or a treatment can be found. rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) DonaldTrump Satire trump Trumpism _1509990 Mon, 04 Apr 2016 00:59:39 +0000 Million Moron March Planned in Support of Trump https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/3/8/1498262/-Million-Moron-March-Planned-in-Support-of-Trump Donald Trump’s campaign spokesperson Katrina Pierson announced that the campaign will hold a Million Moron March on Washington on March 14, the day before several important state primaries that could further winnow the field of Republican presidential candidates. Ms. Pierson made the announcement on CNN this morning while wearing a necklace made of fetuses. CNN host Jim Sciutto began the interview by asking Ms. Pierson why she was wearing the necklace. “This is to symbolize the fifty million aborted people who didn’t get to vote for Donald Trump, or buy his delicious steaks or get a fine education at Trump University.” “And what do you hope to accomplish with this march?” Sciutto asked. “We want to show the Republican establishment that we will not be cowed by their threats and hateful remarks,” Ms.Pierson replied. “The vast majority of Republicans are with Donald all the way.” Asked why the campaign is calling the event a “Million Moron March,” Ms. Pierson replied that “Donald has said that he loves the poorly educated. He also loves the naturally stupid, who form the backbone of his support. There are millions of morons in this country, so getting a fraction of them to go to Washington should not be a problem.” CNN host Jim Sciutto asked, “But won’t these people be offended by you calling them morons?” ”Who cares? They’re morons,” said Ms. Pierson. rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) donaldtrrump KatrinaPierson Satire _1498262 Wed, 09 Mar 2016 01:11:42 +0000 Osama bin Laden's Will https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/3/2/1494829/-Osama-bin-Laden-s-Will On Tuesday, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence released documents written by Osama bin Laden, including the late terrorist's will, personal letters and warnings to countries including the United States. Below is a copy of his will: I, Usama Bin Muhammad ‘Awadh Bin ‘Abud Bin Laden, being of sound mind and body, declare this to be my Last Will and Testament. In regard to that money that is in Sudan, it is about $29 million dollars, give or take. There is also about $12 million stuffed in my mattress, which makes for a lumpy bed, but who can trust banks these days? I also own stock in Martha Stewart Living that should be worth another $5 million, unless she ends up in prison again. I hope, for my brothers, sisters, and maternal aunts, to obey my will and to spend all the money that I have left on Jihad, for the sake of Allah. Try to stretch out the funds as best you can. Do not be extravagant. Stick to the basics, such as manufacturing improvised explosive devices and purchasing Kalashnikov rifles and shoulder mounted rockets. I don’t want you spending it on a fancy tank or helicopter that the Americans can easily target and destroy. (I’m looking at you, Jawhar.) If you can fund a mission to kidnap the devil George W. Bush and cut off his fingers so that he can no longer paint, that would make my soul sing. Also, I leave all my pornographic videos—The Complete “Girls Gone Jihadi” Collection—to my nephew Muhammed. My boy, there is nothing quite like watching girls do it to the sound of machine gun fire. I implore you to continue my good work of terrorizing the West. At the end of the day there’s no better feeling than knowing that you’ve killed innocent men, women and children for no reason other than to wreak terror on their loved ones and countrymen. Also, please donate 500,000 riyals to the Khartoum Animal Shelter specifically for the care of kittens. Watching YouTube videos of cats doing silly things have given me great joy these past few years and I would like to give something back. I shall revise this will periodically, especially if my porn collection expands. I plan to die an old man here in my impregnable compound. But one never knows what Allah has in mind. Signed, Usama Bin Muhammad ‘Awadh Bin ‘Abud Bin Laden rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) Osama OsamabinLaden _1494829 Thu, 03 Mar 2016 00:49:41 +0000 Please Stop Voting For Me! https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/3/1/1494208/-Please-Stop-Voting-For-Me by Donald J. Trump* Listen up, dummies: will you please stop voting for me to be president? Do you think I really want that stressful, low-paying, thankless job? Sure, being the most powerful man in the world would be amazing and nuking a foreign country or two would be a blast (a blast—get it?), but I’d soon get tired of having the same routine every day for four years. Do I seem like a guy who’s into long-term commitments? I’m on my third wife, okay? And I’m sure there’ll be a number four before too long. There’s only so many facelifts a woman can have before her face starts looking all plasticky. When I started this campaign, I figured I’d be in the race until the early primaries, along the way getting my ego stroked and enjoying insulting my fellow candidates right to their stupid, ugly faces (I only wish Rosie O’Donnell were in the race). But I figured that after Iowa and New Hampshire and South Carolina primaries, somebody else would emerge as the frontrunner and I could drop out gracefully, thanking you, my supporters, and teasing you with hints of a third-party run. But my real plan was to get myself a new reality TV show with a huge ratings boost from my fake presidential campaign. But no! No matter what outrageous thing I say or impossible promise I make on the campaign trail, you losers just keep coming back for more. Jesus! Do you think I’ll really build a massive wall between the U.S. and Mexico and then make Mexico pay for it? What am I gonna do, send President What’s-His-Name (I don’t even know or care who the fucking president of Mexico is) an invoice for $20 billion? And do you think I could really deport all the illegal aliens in this country? Do you know what that would cost and what the logistics would be? Oh, and how would I keep Muslims out of the country? They don’t make Muslim-sniffing dogs, you know. Hey, I’m not stupid. You are. Electing me president would be a huge, huge mistake. No doubt I would do a terrific, a mind-blowing, an amazing job a thousand times better than any of my Republican rivals would do, but my heart just wouldn’t be in it. Different story if this country was a dictatorship or a kingdom, but sadly, it isn’t. And despite the fact that I’m a fantastic and unbeatable dealmaker, I don’t think even I could turn it into one. If I could, I’d be proud to continue my father’s <a href="http://www.occupydemocrats.com/2016/01/21/unearthed-writings-reveal-trumps-dad-was-racist-landlord-woody-guthrie-hated/">racist and fascist legacy</a>. Dad taught me that white people are superior to colored people, and than rich white people are superior to everyone else. I’d make a beautiful dictator or king, a truly amazing one. (Note to self: see about buying a tiny country and installing myself as its king.) But as president I’d have to deal with those fuckheads in Congress. These are stupid, stupid people. Already I can’t stand looking at Mitch McConnell’s big fat turtle face, so do you think he and I are going to cooperate? And what about Paul Ryan? He looks like a blue-eyed—what are those things called?—<a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=tarsier&espv=2&biw=1791&bih=943&tbm=isch&imgil=JoCfZ7Vgsxy-mM%253A%253BwlP75GH7OM1hgM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.mnn.com%25252Fearth-matters%25252Fanimals%25252Fstories%25252Ftarsiers-cool-facts-about-these-wonderfully-weird-primates&source=iu&pf=m&fir=JoCfZ7Vgsxy-mM%253A%252CwlP75GH7OM1hgM%252C_&usg=__Npx5ZXiYrL4QXySfqlMqkAM7AV4%3D&ved=0ahUKEwiJuIChu4nLAhXBJiYKHZuiCiAQyjcIiwE&ei=y_7JVsmmLMHNmAGbxaqAAg#imgrc=JoCfZ7Vgsxy-mM%3A">tarsier</a>, I think. I just want to strangle him like the tree-dwelling rodent that he so closely resembles. I will say, though, that he has fantastic abs. So look, it’s been a fun ride and I thank you all for playing along and enjoying the show, but enough already. Vote for Rubio or Kasich before he drops out. Even though Rubio looks like a Cuban Ken doll and is a lying weasel, he’s a better choice than that lying a-hole Ted Cruz, who I would shoot in his disgusting holier-than-thou ferret face if I could get away with it. At least Kasich seems like a decent guy. At this point, I really don’t care who you vote for. Just stop voting for me! * Not really! Please don’t sue me, Donald. rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) DonaldTrump Satire _1494208 Wed, 02 Mar 2016 01:23:12 +0000 Donald Trump in Free Verse* https://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/2/28/1492815/-Donald-Trump-in-Free-Verse Now, it’s very interesting. Today I heard it. The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't want to get into specifics. Two Corinthians, 3:17, that's the whole ballgame. I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen. They will not bring us — believe me — to the promised land. They will not. And you can tell them to go fuck themselves. (AUDIENCE: Trump for president! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump! USA! USA!) Wow. Whoa. That is some group of people. Thousands. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. And they are special, special people. How stupid are the people of Iowa? I love the people of Iowa. So that's the way it is. Very simple. Great state, great people. But they’re not good. Not good. Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people, but we have people that are stupid. We have people that aren’t smart. How stupid are our leaders? How stupid are these politicians to allow this to happen? How stupid are they? I am going to be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. Remember that. Mark my words. We’re going to Make America Great Again. Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her – wherever. I think she’s got a beautiful face and she’s a beautiful woman. Then I looked at Rubio. He was unable to answer the question, “Is Iraq a good thing or bad thing?” He didn’t know; he couldn’t answer the question. He couldn’t answer the question; he didn’t know. I said, “Is he intelligent?” I like people who weren’t captured. So I would say, “Congratulations. “That’s the good news. “Let me give you the bad news. “He’s a pussy; she got schlonged.” And he’ll say, “Please, please, please.” He’ll beg for a little while, and I’ll say, “No interest.” It sounds crass. Somebody said, “Oh, that’s crass.” It’s not crass. Politicians are all talk, no action. They are all talk and no action. And it's constant; it never ends. Nothing ever happens; nothing ever happens. We're going to have strong, incredible borders. Now, we have to build a fence. And it's got to be a beauty. Who can build better than Trump? I build; it's what I do. I build; I build nice fences, but I build great buildings. I get sued all the time, okay? Somebody said to me the other day, a reporter, a very nice reporter, “But, Mr. Trump, you’re not a nice person.” That’s true. But actually I am. I think I am a nice person. People that know me, like me. Does my family like me? I think so, right? Number two, I’m a private company, so nobody knows what I’m worth. I’ve done an amazing job. So I said to myself, you know, nobody’s ever going to know unless I run, because I’m really proud of my success. I really am. It would be so nice, just bah, pa, bah, pa, bah, bing, bing, bing. We got it. People were shocked, Trump got it. Sadly, the American dream is dead. *Note: Every quote here is taken randomly but verbatim from Donald J. Trump's various speeches and media appearances, and rearranged arbitrarily by me. <div></div> rss@dailykos.com (RG Prather) DonaldTrump _1492815 Sun, 28 Feb 2016 18:56:31 +0000