Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 2, 2005
Note: If you ever decide to blow through a toll booth that's equipped with a surveillance camera, wear a Bill O'Reilly mask so he'll get the ticket.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Winter: 19
Percent of 2005 that's over: 92%
Amount college students pay for textbooks per year: $5 billion
Number of booksellers who represent 80 percent of that revenue: 5
(Source: The New Yorker)
Percent of men who say they've flexed in front of a mirror: 79%
(Source: Men's Health)
Number of red Kabbalah strings visible in the liner notes booklet for Madonna's new CD: 7
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,388
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: The Zim family breeds Cocker Spaniels in California. Really, really cute ones. And their homemade biscuit recipe sounds tasty. Might try one myself...
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CHEERS to the wind beneath C&J's wings. Happy 43rd Birthday to Michael, my partner of 12½ years (and, oh, how that pisses off the religious right). He shares it with Britney Spears (24), Alexander Haig (81) and Stone Phillips (51). And they won't get back from the bars until the wee hours. [Sigh] They never do.
CHEERS to executing an exit strategy. Bulgaria and Ukraine show us how they plan to do it with their combined 1,256 troops this month: Step 1---Pack up your shit. Step 2---Wave bye-bye and get the hell out. Oh, and of course, Step 3---Never, ever, ever, EVER believe George W. Bush again.
JEERS to Armed Farces Radio. In their continuing tradition of favoring broadcasters willing to regurgitate anything handed to them by the Pentagon, the network is finalizing a deal to bring Sean Hannity into its stable of congenital liars. At least have the decency to not run him during mealtime, guys---when MREs come back up they're nasty.
JEERS to the swiftboating of the President. So we're reading Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien, and we came across this awful smear campaign:
[His] honesty and attention to detail got him into trouble...when he listed a billiard table he'd purchased in Europe within his lengthy report of expenses. He paid for the "gaming furniture" himself and sought no governmental reimbursement, but such details were lost on his notoriously scrappy...opponents, who saw in this otherwise insignificant factoid an opportunity to smear the president as a depraved gambler (Apparently billiards was seen by contemporary Americans as a "gateway" game: One moment you're chalking up a cue stick, and, before you know it, you're whoring and betting your way into debtor's prison.) despite the fact that [he] was a New England Puritan who didn't go a day without his Bible fix, the accusation stuck and became part of the cavalcade of bad press that helped [his opponent] boot him out of the White House.
The smearers: Andrew Jackson's goons. The smeared: John Quincy Adams. Thank god we don't stoop to that kind of stuff today.
CHEERS to Adam and Steve in Johannesburg. The Constitutional Court in South Africa says gay marriage must be made legal by next year:
Judge Albie Sachs, who delivered Thursday's ruling, said the common law and Marriage Act definitions of marriage as a union between a man and a woman "are accordingly inconsistent with sections ... of the Constitution to the extent that they make no provision for same-sex couples to enjoy the status, entitlements and responsibilities they accord to heterosexual couples."
The court instructed Parliament to extend the definitions within a year, or else the words "or spouse" would automatically be added by the courts, The South African Press Association reported.
That makes 3 out of 7 continents with countries that have marriage equality. And if you can believe what you read in the penguin press, Antarctica's thiiiiiis close...
CHEERS to the 21st State. Hey, Illinois! You're turning 187 tomorrow. Because you had the sense to send Barack Obama to the U.S. Senate last year, will we now forgive you for producing the vile Donald Rumsfeld? Gosh, maybe.
JEERS to the Ginsu Airlines. Looks like the folks in charge of security at our nation's airports will now allow passengers to carry a variety of sharp objects on board with them. The list of approved items includes "garden spades." Because there's nothing as soothing as planting a row of posies in your lap at 30-thousand feet.
CHEERS to---Ah-ooooga!!!---seeing up close. On this date tomorrow in 1609, Galileo invented the telescope. Followed immediately by the invention of window blinds.
JEERS to not learning your lesson. (via The Week magazine). A few years ago some guy stuck his head in front of a tunnel to see if his commuter train was coming and it hit him in the face. Last month...it happened to him again. Um..."Taxi?"
CHEERS to one more birthday wish. Senate Majority Leader---er, heh heh---soon-to-be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is 66 (although fundy Christian knuckledraggers might be inclined to add a third 6). We'd barely heard of him a year ago, but today we applaud him for making Bill Frist and his goons look like the Apple Dumpling Gang. Today we invoke Senate Rule #22: A closed session of par-tay!
CHEERS to clean streams and fresh air. On this date in 1970 the Environmental Protection Agency was born (yes, folks...under the Republican Nixon administration). And in honor of the occasion, Maine's own Bureau of Environmental Protection proclaimed that our emissions standards will now have to be as tough as California's. Which explains why I woke up this morning with a catalytic converter strapped to my tuckus.
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One Year Ago in C&J: December 2, 2004...
CHEERS to fond farewells. Tom Brokaw---who always sounded like his sinuses were as stuffed as Dennis Hastert's ass in a thong---anchored his last NBC Nightly News last night. After seeing replacement Brian Williams snark it up on `The Daily Show,' we deem the anchor desk to be in good hands.
JEERS to riding the rickety rails. According to a government report, Amtrak's infrastructure is about to jump the tracks. Major bridge and tunnel repairs have been delayed until its finances improve. It currently loses $600 million per year. C&J thinks the timing is right to unveil our latest venture: AmeriBurro (upgrade to first class and you get chardonnay and a saddle).
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And just one more...
CHEERS to late-night snark:
"California Congressman Duke Cunningham resigned from office after admitting he broke the law by taking $2.4 million dollars in bribes. It's kind of ironic. The only time you can be really be sure that a politician is telling the truth is when he's admitting that he's a crook."
---Jay Leno
"[Canadian Prime Minister Paul] Martin's ruling Liberal party had engaged in a money laundering scheme that had funneled money into party coffers. Shocking...that somewhere, a liberal party is ruling."
---Jon Stewart
Yeah...you coulda knocked me over with a feather.
Have a great weekend. Go wassailing or something. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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