Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

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Tuesday August 02, 2005 · 5:53 AM PDT

2005/08/02 · 05:53

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Comedianic snark...

"The White House announced that the public would not be allowed to see the memos produced by John Roberts when he represented the United States government as a lawyer. They say this is because of the attorney-client privilege. Here's the part I don't understand: he represented the United States, we're the client, he's our lawyer. Shouldn't we be allowed see our own notes?"
--Jay Leno

"North Korea is making several demands in exchange for giving up their nuclear program, including a promise from America not to attack them. Which is a little strange because for us to attack them we would have to have `slam dunk' proof that they have weapons of mass destruction. I mean, for Gods sakes people, we're not maniacs. It would have to be an air-tight case. We wouldn't just come in there and start bombing you..."
--Jon Stewart

"It was so hot down in Florida Jeb Bush was rigging ice machines."
--David Letterman

"The White House dropped the phrase `war on terror' when polls showed no one thought we were winning it. They think they know how to make it more popular. They're going to stop calling it `war on terror' and start calling it `Shrek 3.'"
--Argus Hamilton, comedian and columnist (Via Time magazine)

"President Bush has declined to speak at the NAACP [convention] five times running due to `scheduling conflicts.' Which is true. The last five years he's been scheduling conflicts!"
--Lewis Black

"I have a question. Is there anyone in this administration who doesn't look like the demon child of Karl Rove and Ken Lay?"
--Jon Stewart

Um...no. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Note: Remember the signal: one disco ball if by land, two disco balls if by sea.

By the Numbers:
Days `til Autumn: 51
Days `til the Maine Lobster Festival in Rockland: 1
Amount of lobster consumed at last year's festival: 12 tons
Average number of times per day I'm informed by email that my PayPal account has been suspended, even though I don't have a PayPal account: 5
Age of the world's oldest fossilized dinosaur embryos, discovered in South Africa: 190 million years
(Source: Time)
Age of same fossilized dinosaur embryos according to the "intelligent design" crowd: 6 weeks

Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Cuties from Wild Goose Kennels. Check out the Bassett Hound...what a prima donna.

CHEERS to August. The dog days. The month everybody should get off from work. And, of course, the time of year in which you never, ever want to introduce a bogus war based on bad intelligence. P.S. Hot enough for ya?

CHEERS to Paul Hackett. Put him side-by-side with confirmed liar and hothead Jean Schmidt and it's clear to see why he oughtta win today's special election in Ohio's 2nd district: he's got a clue. May the best man win.

JEERS to the Great Enabler of Evil. Saudi Arabia's old King "Cole" Fahd has died at 80-something (Bush's first words upon hearing the news: "My oil! What about my oil??!"). I understand he allowed Muslim extremism to flourish during his reign, producing several of the 9/11 terrorists. Oh...and he degraded women and chopped people's heads off just `cuz. Sorry we can't make the funeral, but we would like to offer this blessing: May your horny harem in the hereafter be populated by clones of the Village People.

CHEERS to Jimmy Carter. He's mad as hell and he's not going to take the crap going on at Gitmo anymore: "What has happened at Guantanamo Bay...does not represent the will of the American people. I'm embarrassed about it, I think it's wrong. I think it does give terrorists an unwarranted excuse to use the despicable means to hurt innocent people." Is he too old to run again?

JEERS to Little Lord Fuckyouleroy. President Bush---he whom ye may not liketh but at least thou knowest where he standeth---uses his recess appointment power to make John Bolton Ambassador to the United Nations. Upon hearing the news, Kofi Annan immediately began handing out flak jackets.

CHEERS to public meltdowns. Did you see Rick Santorum on This Week? Our favorite exchange with George Stephapalooza:

George: Let's get specific here. Name one or two of these radical feminists who are on this crusade.
Rick Sanitarium: Well, I mean, you know, you have...you go back to...what's her name, well, Gloria Steinem, but I'm trying to remember...I can't remember the woman's name. It's terrible. Anyway...
George: But it's kind of an important point. Because you paint this broad brush: radical feminists, village elders. Name one.
Rick Sanitarium: There's lots of...no, there's lot's of...well, Gloria Steinem. There's one.

Wow...that is one powerful wench.

JEERS to low-carb crapola. Atkins Nutritionals files for bankruptcy. People have stopped buying their dry, chalky, expensive, weird-tasting pseudo-food. Can't imagine why.

CHEERS to 48 years of "journalism" down the drain. Robert "Dick" Novak broke his silence yesterday on the Plame scandal to confirm that, yes, he is still a self-absorbed, traitorous wanker. Former CIA agent Larry Johnson bats him away like the pesky gnat he's become. Back to your hole, Gollum.

CHEERS to great inventions. On August 2, 1887, barbed wire was patented by Chester A. Hodge of Beloit, Wisconsin. If there's a better all-purpose gift in existence, we're not aware of it.

CHEERS to breaking the waves. At the world swimming championships in Montreal Saturday night, 22 year-old Mainer Ian Crocker broke a world's record for the 100 meter butterfly. He then went on to win another gold medal Sunday in the 400 meter medley relay. C&J provided the winning advice: just pretend Jeff Gannon is right behind you...and gaining.

JEERS to the laziest journalism...ever. U.S. News & World Report posts this groundbreaking item in this week's issue: "Secretary of State Condi Rice isn't just a policy wonk who vegges out to Monday Night Football. Pals say the accomplished pianist also likes to hang out at the Kennedy Center's music hall. They say she often tries to `wrangle tickets.'" And to think I was beginning to trust her.

CHEERS to a little entertainment to go with your air conditioning. How desperate is Warner Bros. to put a fresh spin on Oliver Stone's bomb, `Alexander?' Here's what their ads for today's DVD release are saying: "Now with action-packed never-before-seen footage. A newly inspired, faster paced and even more action-packed version of the film about the world's greatest conqueror!". It would've been nice if you'd delivered that the first time.

P.S.: Harry at Ain't It Cool News has the best damn August DVD preview in the universe. Droooool...

CHEERS to the sweetest sound in the English language. "Blog" ( buh'LOG) is now the most popular search word in the online version of the Mirriam-Webster Dictionary. Awww... [Blush]

CHEERS to the great actors. Peter O'Toole turns 73 today. He was the best thing in `Troy' last year and we're glad to see he's got more on his plate. P.S.---the statute of limitations for bad 1984 movies just expired, so you are officially forgiven for `Supergirl.'

One year ago in C&J...

JEERS to flip-flopping media critics. Yesterday's gripe: John Kerry gets hung up on policy details in his stump speech. Today's gripe: John Kerry doesn't give enough policy details in his stump speech. Spoken like true two-year-olds.

JEERS to forced allegiance. Bush/Cheney campaign is making people sign a "loyalty oath" before they can get into official party rallies. On the upside, attendees can hear the cool new rendition of "Heil to the Chief."

And just one more...

CHEERS to the best movie team working today. Christopher Guest, Eugene Levy, Michael McKean, Fred Willard and Catherine O'Hara---the brilliant improv artists behind `A Mighty Wind,' `Waiting For Guffman' and `Best in Show,' are back together in For Your Consideration. This time they're a movie-making team trying to wheel and deal their way to the Academy Awards. Phew...something to look forward to in '06.

Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today's Shameless testimonial

"It must be very strange to be Bill in Portland Maine. He is like a great painter or musician who is ahead of his time, and who unveils one masterpiece after another to a reception that, when not bored, is hostile."

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Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

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