Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

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Wednesday July 05, 2006 · 4:45 AM PDT

2006/07/05 · 04:45

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

Although his description is close to accurate, Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska doesn't quite get how the internets work (oh, just go read it). So, in the interest of clarity, C&J explains the concept of email s-l-o-w-l-y:

The Internets is a series of gerbils, one gerbil for each "user." When you "send" a "message" (or, in Stevens-speak, "an internet"), the gerbil takes it down shorthand and scurries through a series of tubes to its destination. The gerbil uploads the message to the inbox (short for "Internets Box") and then presses the velvet-covered doorbell button. The receiver---say, Senator Stevens---may then safely peruse the porn ad. (Tomorrow we'll explain "SpamGuard"---we don't want to overwhelm him.)
Sometimes gerbils will stop to have wild gangbang gerbil sex along the way, which can result in delayed internet delivery. Twice a year the telecom companies clean the tubes by flushing them with water and a mild detergent, which also results in slight delays. But mostly the Internets operate smoothly, allowing for an uninterrupted flow of bogus information from the likes of Senator Stevens and Mike McCurry on net neutrality.

P.S. Be sure to care for your gerbil properly, Senator, by pouring lots of seeds and water into your hard drive. Otherwise your internets may become inoperative. And reek of gerbil death.

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Note: Just in case Kos decides to boot us, today's column is a "petitioning Cheers and Jeers." Can't touch us now, can ya, kingmaker??

By the Numbers:
Days `til Pirates of the Caribbean II: 2
Days since "Mission Accomplished": 1,160
Average age of U.S. Senators: 60.4
Years in U.S. history when the average age has been higher: 0
Year the National Debt Clock was erected near Times Square: 1989
Year in which it is expected to run out of digits: 2007

Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Hey, cabana boy! Where's my daiquiri??"

CHEERS to giving gravity the middle finger. Yesterday the Space Shuttle I Think I Can, I Think I Can blasted off and was halfway to the moon before Commander Steve Lindsey realized he was supposed to go to the Twirling Space Station instead. They will not be turning around. It's a male pride thing.

P.S. In case you lost count, the number of times the national and local media used the phrase "the space shuttle put on a fireworks display of its own today..." equals the amount displayed on the National Debt Clock.

SWOOSHGONG!! FOX NEWS PANIC ALERT!! to the flaccid Dong-2. North Korea fired its long-range test missile yesterday to send a strong signal to the United States: "Hey, guys, we suck at this stuff too." This morning, to the sultry sound of snapping castanets and flamenco guitar, the Bush/Jong-Il staredown begins.

CHEERS to the evaporating wingnuttysphere. Right-wing web site ratings are tanking. People have trouble reading them because the bullshit vapors keep clouding up their screens.

CHEERS to popping the emperor's balloon. Last Thursday the Supreme Court confirmed that the "Bush Doctrine" of torture and secrecy isn't worth a bucket of warm spit. The Republican Congress---amid shouts of "He does too have clothes!"---has vowed to pass an emergency measure replacing the Constitution with a bucket of warm spit.

CHEERS to Men in Black. The Secret Service went to work on this date in 1865. Its original intent was to prevent the spread of counterfeit currency. It wasn't until after the McKinley assassination that the service began protecting the president. Which reminds me: if you ever want to intimidate someone, just stare at them while talking into your wrist. (The old lady across the street has been poppin' Prozac like candy...)

JEERS to phony outrage. Republican Lawmakers are demanding to know why the MPAA is giving a rating to a Christian-themed football movie that means everyone can see it (PG), instead of giving it a rating that means everyone can see it (G). Thank God they're here to tackle the tough issues.

CHEERS to workers' rights. On July 5, 1935, President Roosevelt signed the National Labor Relations Act (aka the Wagner Act) into law. It reversed federal opposition to organized labor, guaranteeing the right of employees to organize, form unions, and bargain collectively with their employers. But it also assured that workers would have a choice on whether to belong to a union or not. Okay slackers, enough nostalgia...back to work!

CHEERS to southern hospitality. Last week C&J traveled to Nashville on business, and spent our time at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, also known as a posh, hermetically-sealed ant farm for humans. We found Tennessee charming...especially when we asked about Senator Bill Frist and y'all just rolled your eyes.

CHEERS to the master showman. Born on this date in 1810: P.T. Barnum. Some contend he never actually said "There's a sucker born every minute." But this $500 fortune-telling ring some guy sold me on the street says that's bullcrap.

JEERS to irrational exuberance. In another sign that a little America goes a long way, Japanese prime minister Kristi Yamaguchi flipped out last week during a tour of Graceland, thoroughly embarrassing President Bush. Wait a minute...change that to CHEERS.

CHEERS to simplicity. What a concept---the pay phones at the Nashville Airport give you 5 minutes of long distance time for 4 measly quarters. In yer face, calling cards.

One Year Ago in C&J: July 5, 2005:

CHEERS to Senator Gaylord Nelson. The Wisconsin Democrat and founder of Earth Day has died at 89. Bill Clinton once presented a proclamation to him that said: "As the father of Earth Day, he is the grandfather of all that grew out of that event: the Environmental Protection Act, the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, [and] the Safe Drinking Water Act." May your spirit haunt Cheney & Co. `til the end of time.

JEERS to bureaucrats living up to their reputation. A review of the NIH's AIDS research agency reveals "unnecessary feuding, sexually explicit language and other inappropriate conduct that hampers its global fight against the disease" Oh, and on Friday they fired a whistleblower for revealing the feuding, language and inappropriate conduct. I wonder if they'd be such jackasses if they had the disease themselves.

And just one more...

JEERS to the human pincushion. Yesterday we were eating at a pizza joint and noticed that the server had four silver studs stuck in the back of his neck. C'mon, dude, keep those piercing locales to business-attire standards: the ears, nose, lip, tongue, nipple, navel, eyebrow, crotch, chin, ... Oh, never mind.

Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today's Shameless Testimonial:

"According to our statistics, Bill in Portland Maine won the presidency. The triumph is irreversible."
---Mexican presidential candidate López Obrador
7/4/06

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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

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