Things I Learn From Fox News:
- Wearing a $5 American flag lapel pin is the highest form of patriotism.
- Winning the Nobel Peace Prize is a meaningless political sham.
The rules of conservative "bling" continue to elude me. One would think if nothing else they'd appreciate that the Nobel Prize medal is made of gold. Glittering, delicious gold.
On the other hand, it could be worse. They could be advocating giving the Nobel Prize for Peace to... a military general fighting a war. Or a right-wing radio host. So rather than sit idly by to let them make fools of themselves, I've got some ideas for who the conservatives could have put up for Nobel prizes. Maybe next time around the Nobel committee will cut these guys a break...
1) Alberto Gonzales
For helping to eliminate state sanctioned torture by redefining it as not-torture. In previous years and conflict, methods like waterboarding prisoners to obtain information was considered torture, and a war crime: thanks to Alberto Gonzales and a crack legal team, we have now reduced the number of things called torture and thus, the number of people in the world being tortured.
2) George W. Bush
For uniting the people of the Middle East as never before in modern times. True, they are united against us, but it technically still counts as uniting.
3) U.N. Ambassador John Bolton
For his efforts to reform the contentious, ineffective United Nations by shouting at people and blocking action. By putting a surly, snarling mustache on the American diplomatic contingent, Bolton managed to demonstrate to all the other ambassadors what jerks they were and how they should stop it right now.
4) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
For eliminating divisive debate about homosexual rights by eliminating homosexuals entirely. American conservatives have only been able to purge the American military of gays, and that, incompletely: Ahmadinejad managed to remove them from an entire nation in a mere sentence, something most other religious conservatives can only dream of.
5) Global Warming Skeptics
For their efforts to bring the world closer together by melting the northern polar ice cap, freeing up lucrative trade routes for the shipment of oil, lumber and foreign-made American flag lapel pins, and rescuing billions of polar fish from being cold.
6) Larry Craig
For his tireless efforts to further brotherly love, even in the most unlikely locations, and even though he knew his own party would consider anonymous filthy airport toilet sex by a married man to be something to be frowned upon. Such adversities did not stop other fighters for peace, such as Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi: they will not stop Craig either.
God bless you, noble warriors for peace. Keep fighting the good fight.
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