Late Night Snark: Let’s Get Boring Edition
"I don’t know what's worse: that RFK Jr. had a worm that was eating his brain, or that his brain is so poisoned that it killed the worm. … And as if this story couldn’t get any weirder, it turns out that Kennedy discovered the worm because he was getting tested for brain fog and memory loss. Doctors said it probably wasn't the worm that was causing the brain fog, it was more likely he had severe mercury poisoning from eating too much fish. No wonder RFK cares so much about climate change—he's legally a thermometer."
—Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show
"You know what's really suspicious though? Right before it died that worm was vaccinated. Up 'til then it was running marathons, and then…suddenly dead. You do the math."
—Stephen Colbert
"According to a new poll, most people expect Trump to be convicted in his hush-money trial. Even worse for Trump, that poll was just his lawyers."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Former president Trump for the first time at his trial wrote a message—on a yellow Post-It Note—and handed it to his lawyer while he was making an argument. The Post-It read simply: Can't pay you."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Russian president Vladimir Putin was inaugurated today for another six-year term. Putin sailed to victory after his opponent dropped out. Of a window."
—Seth Meyers
"A new poll show supporters of President Biden and Donald Trump are sharply divided over where they get their news from. People who support Biden are more likely to get their news from newspapers and mainstream media, while Trump supporters get their news from t-shirts."
—Michael Che, SNL
Clip of local newscaster: A Tesla Cybertruck had to be rescued by a Ford pickup after the Tesla got stuck in the mud and snow in the Sierras.
Lewis Black: Awwww…fancy Cybertruck had to get rescued by the big, tough Ford. You're the laughingstock of all the other trucks! That Ford pickup's probably banging your wife right now!"
—The Daily Show
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 10, 2024
Note: Here’s the schedule for the next three seconds: you will read this note and then move on.
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 2
Days 'til the Calavaras County Fair & Jumping Frog Jubilee in California: 6
Increase in mortgage applications last week versus the previous week: 2.6%
Percent of adults in Wisconsin polled by Quinnipiac who say their personal finances are excellent or good: 65%
Number of consecutive months the world has experienced record-breaking heat: 11
Size of Maine's clean energy employment sector at the end of 2022, thanks in part to subsidized heat pump installations: 15,000 jobs
Year during which tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland: 1634
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend preview…
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CHEERS to chicken soup for lots of hungry souls. Here's an event coming up tomorrow that we put front and center in C&J every year. It's the 32nd annual Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive, and all you have to do is make a note to leave some vittles out for your postal carrier to pick up:
The National Association of Letter Carriers, in conjunction with the United States Postal Service, will be collecting non-perishable food items like canned meats and fish, canned soup, juice, pasta, vegetables, cereal and rice during the Stamp Out Hunger Food Drive on Saturday, May 11, to help families in need in our community.
You can help by placing your food donation at your mailbox on Saturday, May 11 before your letter carrier arrives with the day's mail. It will be taken back to the Post office and then delivered to local food banks or pantries. Please do not include items that have expired or those in glass containers.
There's more info at their official site. So be sure to put a Post-It reminder on your fridge reminding you to put a reminder on your forehead reminding you to leave a Reddit post reminding you to leave a text message reminding you to tweet a reminder to your Facebook status reminding you to post a TikTok video reminding you to leave a reminder pic on your Instagram peg reminding you to send a snapchat reminding you to knit a reminder into your tea cozy before you put it up on Etsy. God bless social media—it makes life so much easier.
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. You already know the shit currently going down here on the pale blue dot: war, pestilence, famine, floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, brain worms, justice delayed, progress deferred, Met Gala wardrobe malfunctions…and why it's bad news for Joe Biden! It all seems so horrible. But, my god, have you opened your morning newspaper and read about what’s happening on Venus these days? Count your blessings, people…
Venus is a cloud-swaddled planet named for a love goddess, and often called Earth’s twin. But pull up a bit closer, and Venus turns hellish. Our nearest planetary neighbor, the second planet from the Sun, has a surface hot enough to melt lead. The atmosphere is so thick that, from the surface, the Sun is just a smear of light.
It might once have been a habitable ocean world, like Earth, but that was at least a billion years ago. A runaway greenhouse effect turned all surface water into vapor, which then leaked slowly into space. The present-day surface of volcanic rock is blasted by high temperatures and pressures. Asked if the surface of Venus is likely to be life-bearing today, we can give a quick answer: a hard “no.”
Happy weekend on Earth, everyone.
CHEERS to fluid situations. On May 10, 1863, pretend “General” Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson died of pneumonia after one of his own men shot him a week earlier in a battle at Chancellorsville during the war he joined to destroy the United States of America in order to preserve ownership of human beings possessing skin pigmentation different from his own.
True fact: he would've survived longer, but Jefferson Davis’s newly-signed Rebelcare health insurance plan considered pneumonia a pre-existing condition, and the high-risk pool his insurer put Jackson into had already run out of money. Sadly, the bake sale table that J.E.B. Stuart and Robert E. Lee set up to raise funds for his surgery was turned into splinters by a Union cannonball, leaving only Mrs. Beauregard's lemon tarts, which were far too mushy and sour and only brought in 3 cents. And that's why you read C&J: we bring history to life.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Republican Presidents with a conscience. 117 years ago this week, Teddy Roosevelt spoke at the Governor's Conference on the Conservation of Natural Resources. Seriously—he said this in freaking 1907:
"The occasion for the meeting lies in the fact that the natural resources of our country are in danger of exhaustion if we permit the old wasteful methods of exploiting them longer to continue.
In the development, the use, and therefore the exhaustion of certain of the natural resources, the progress has been more rapid in the past century and a quarter than during all preceding time of history since the days of primitive man.
All these various uses of our natural resources are so closely connected that they should be coordinated, and should be treated as part of one coherent plan and not in haphazard and piecemeal fashion."
The House MAGA caucus issued a brief statement this morning to mark the occasion: "Teddy who?"
CHEERS to home vegetation. I've thought long and hard about it, and I've narrowed my weekend activities down to two things: clean up six months worth of winter dog poop in the yard…or watch a bunch of TV. Probably the latter.
The viewing starts tonight with MSNBC unpacking the latest Friday night news dumps. Or you can watch the latest round of the Jeopardy! Masters tournament at 8 on ABC. Then at 9 on the CW there’s a magical edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us!
The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The new Planet of the Apes flick is getting solid reviews.) The MLB schedule is here, the NHL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA semifinals schedule is here. Comedy goddess Maya Rudolph hosts SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: “A Week in Israel” and Spain’s attenmpt to extradite an American for trying to—[checks notes]—kidnap North Koreans in Madrid. Homer loses his mind over “tipping culture run amok” on The Simpsons, and then John Oliver slays another corporate beast at 11 on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Senators Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and Lindsey Graham (MAGA Cult-SC).
This Week: Senator Chris Coons (D-DE); Rep. Mike McCaul (MAGA Cult-TX).
Face the Nation: Antony Blinken; Senator Tom Cotton (MAGA Cult-AR)
CNN's State of the Union: Senators Chris Murphy (D-CT) and J.D. Vance (MAGA Cult-OH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Adam Smith (D-WA); Sssssssenator Rick Ssssssssscott (MAGA Cult-FL); Rachel Goldberg-Polin, mother of a hostage held by Hamas.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 10, 2014
JEERS to today's boring correction. The headline in Saturday's dead-tree edition of The Portland Press Herald, which read…
Crowds cheer Putin on triumphant visit to Crimea
…forgot to include the two important words: "or else." We're sure they regret the error. Or else.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ol' Whats'ername. So what's Mom worth these days? According to insure.com, more than ever...
if America’s mothers were paid for their work around the house, they would have earned an annual salary of $140,315 over the past year, according to Insure.com’s Mother’s Day Index for 2024.
Moms’ wages increased by 5% from last year’s Mother’s Day Index, which found that the work mothers did was equivalent to a salary of $133,440. This wage increase is slightly ahead of the 3.5% inflation seen over the last 12 months.
The Mother’s Day Index is intended to acknowledge the work mothers do. For many, being a mother includes balancing a family and a home with a full-time job — doing two jobs but only being financially compensated for one.
In calculating mom’s salary for 2024, Insure.com editors used the same 19 job categories that were the basis for last year’s index. Earnings increased for all but a couple of tasks.
So why don't we actually pay fulltime moms for their toil? Because they'd just funnel the money into a tax-free "Mommy Account" in the Cayman Islands and use the interest—not to mention their “Mommy Space Lasers”—to build a giant mom clone army with which to take over the world. So this Mother's Day (Sunday), for the good of the planet, send her a gift-wrapped empty box and, when she opens it, tell her it’s a box full of love, which is invisible. And then, for your own personal safety, it would probably be a good idea to run away really fast. And return with a gift card to a day spa.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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