[I wrote it for him. Everyone else backed out.]
Hey! Look out there….Just look out there. And they said there would be no one here! Of course, it’s the same people that told you there were WMD’s in Iraq. Wrong! What a mess. The country is a big mess. I know. I’ve seen it. John Lewis’ district in Atlanta….good thing my people –you are all my people—took a chance on me so I could clean that up. He couldn’t. He’s had decades! What do you have to lose? You’ve got NOTHING and no Russian bank to back you up.
So I’ve been telling you I am going to make America great again, just like it was when it was so much greater. So much greater. No really, you young folks don’t know. It was fabulous. Woolworth’s – department store had a lunch counter—you didn’t have to just put up with people you didn’t like – you kicked them the hell out! Right! KICK THEM OUT KICK THEM OUT! Brilliant….keep chanting. I love hearing it.
But we are going to make America great again starting TODAY. First, we are going to repeal Obamacare. As some of you know, I just never liked the guy. I didn’t want to say that until I was President. He bows down to everybody! I was talking to my friend, the head of Russia – you all know him from this fake news going around—and he AGREED WITH ME! Obama is everyone’s….well, I can’t say it because Michelle is here. But Vladimir agreed with me and told me I was going to make a FANTASTIC president!
Hey ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A FRIGGIN’ GORGEOUS FIRST LADY OR WHAT!!?? And she is not going to do bicep curls –curls for the girls!— and try and look like a man or plant some hokey vegetable garden. Who does that? In Washington, D.C.? She is going to be elegant and refined and she will have world leaders eating out of her hand, I’m telling you.
So I forget all ways I told you I was going to make America great again. Mostly jobs, right? They said they brought unemployment down below 5%. Yeah right. And I’m the Queen of Sheba….well, who knows!!! Maybe I was in a past life! Rudy dressed up in drag once. It was so funny. He looked good. Rudy was hot actually. Oh, by the way..shout out to all of the EL…..BEE….GEE….P….or D….,or T people out there…you’ll be fine. Just fine. Just wait. You’ll see. Ya wanna marry someone, no skin off my nose but you may need to do it in France or Spain or Mexico or someplace. Let me tell you after three marriages—it’s no picnic! You’ve got PLENTY to lose, I’m tellin’ you. Just sayin'.
So we are going to take away everyone’s health insurance in a really smart way. First we are going to eliminate the taxes on my friends who eat at my favorite restaurant in New York. Nice people. Nice, nice people. Then we take away the subsidies that make it cheaper. That’s a crutch! Without that Federal money the whole thing is just gonna collapse like a house of cards –love that show by the way, but it’s gone downhill. Just way downhill. So with all of the financial support gone, premiums are going to skyrocket and then –I heard some people booing out there….train the cameras on them…let’s record these people. Anyway, when I take away financial support all those people booing will be begging me “Oh, Please President Trump”. Please repeal Obamacare! No need. Take away the money. It repeals itself. But we aren’t going to let people go without a doctor or anything. They will have “equal access” we call it. That’s kinda like window shopping for a new car. You see a Chevy –terrible company by the way. Boom! Watch their stock go down on Monday morning! See! That’s how you get them in line. Anyway, so you see a Chevy and then you see a Jaguar! You have equal access to both! Take the one you want! It’s that simple people. That’s what I do!
I’m also going to make America great by getting rid of public schools, the post office, the EPA, most of the CIA, the Department of Energy -----what did I leave out? Hey Rick…where’s Rick Perry? Oh, there he is. Did I leave anything out? Guess I’m asking the wrong person. Oh, yeah. National Public Radio? Gone. Toodle-loo Cokie Roberts with your voice sounding like you ate some gravel and bye bye Scott Simon. Guy just sounds like he constantly has his pinkie in the air like this. Can you see it? Let’s get a close up of my pinkie. Keep zooming.
Amtrak. Gone. Who rides trains anymore? Seriously? Joe Biden, but he’s not taking the train to work anymore! You are laughing. What a happy crowd. Who needs Beyoncé?
So, basically I’m going to make America great by getting rid of every government agency, by blinding our intelligence agencies, and by making friends with a country that would really like to gobble up parts of Eastern Europe –NOT MY PROBLEM!
And the jobs. Just wait until you see them. Wages are going to rise, everyone will have equal access to health insurance, states can do whatever they want. Gonna give them all that Federal land. No one goes for a picnic in the National Park anymore. Ridiculous. It’s gonna be great. Really great.
So how’s that go? Four score and 7 years ago…..Hey, Paul Ryan: how much is that? 87. Okay. Why didn’t he just say 87? I’m going to be your best President ever. And when you are great again, that will make me even greater. See? I can have any woman I want. Everybody’s happy except the Hillary-lovers. Just an expression, Hillary. You don’t need to leave. Oh, man, she does not look good walking away. No wonder Bill….but I can’t say it. But you know what I’m talking about. No morals that guy.
So, thanks for coming everyone! Remember: Boeing…terrible! Meryl Streep terrible and she’s old! And before I let you go to all the great parties and everything, take a look at the bracelet on Ivanka! You have equal access to it! Web address right in front of me.
America’s made its bed and now it’s gonna lie in it. But we are going to make it wetter….I mean better.
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