George Conway thinks Trump is a "malignant narcissist," but what exactly is a ""malignant narcissist?"
Since, many public figures like Republican George Conway suspect that President Trump is a “malignant narcissist,” I figured I’d give a brief outline of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). First, I’d like to say that this is not about President Trump. Rather it is a generally description of common characteristics of a person who has NPD. Second, I’m a Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach in Houston, Texas. I’ve been trained in personality disorders and their treatment. I’m not fully an expert, because most of my practice focuses on relationship counseling, teaching people to date, and treating anxiety. Yet, as you might imagine, a disproportionate number of people looking for relationship help are married to or dating someone with a personality disorder. So, my perspective comes from both my professional training and my experience in the field.
So, what’s the difference between someone with a normal personality and someone with a Personality Disorder (PD)? Those of us with normal personalities are able to problem solve. We look at the things going on in a given situation, we identify and implement possible solutions and we then look at whether the solution was effective. We are able to reflect on the results and adapt where we need to. Now for the person with a personality disorder, they are not able to accurately assess situations and they cannot appropriately self-reflect or self-correct. That means that when they don’t get the solution they want, they often escalate in frustration and anger blaming someone or something else for the problem. This creates more drama and difficulty. Additionally, normal personalities have diverse traits to help them adapt in different situations. PDs have one trait that they use over and over irrespective of the situation or outcome. Greggory Lester, Ph.D, an expert, lecturer and author of seminars on PDs, states that a person with a personality disorder: “…has a pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is so rigid and inflexible that it makes their behavior inappropriate and problematic to themselves and others.” Sound familiar? I’m very sure we’ve all befriended, dated, or worked with someone like this.
There are ten personality disorders and they exist in about 16-19% of the general population. NPDs accounts for about 1% of the general population. When I graduated with a Masters’ degree in Counseling in 1993, it was believed that one’s upbringing created a personality disorder. Research has not borne this out. Instead, the research indicates that having a personality disorder is genetic; people are born with it. Hence, it’s not the parents’ fault. Furthermore, it was considered untreatable. Today, some (not all) can be treated, but the treatment protocol is very different from traditional therapy and requires about six sessions for every one session needed for normal personalities dealing with depression or anxiety.
Alright, let’s chat about NPDs. First, let me say that NPDs don’t love themselves. Instead, they have such an intolerable and deep sense of insecurity that they have to create a contrasting grandiose image of themselves, and it is that image that they love. Additionally, they are not consciously aware of their insecurity, as they are very much in denial that it exists. It’s as if they are backed up against a large chasm of emptiness and lack of self-worth and esteem and they unconsciously feel compelled to fill that chasm with grandiosity, arrogance, entitlement and egocentricity. Any challenge to their perception can be an existential threat that must be defeated at any cost. If awareness of their insecurity pierces their consciousness, they can become depressed easily and quickly, possibly suicidal. It’s really hard to get an NPD into treatment because they don’t think anything is wrong with them. All fault is placed everywhere else. Feeding their narcissism or a severe threat to their perception of themselves can compel them to make changes. Common threats that may motivate them to seek treatment are DUI, job loss, a failure or marital separation. Essentially, these are all loses of power and esteem.
NPDs are almost completely lacking in empathy, compassion, equanimity and integrity and view others as inferior. They need constant admiration, are unable to tolerate any type criticism, failure or loss, and will insult, denounce, and deflect responsibility onto others often castigating them in the process. They view the world as their kingdom and will exploit others for their personal gain; they are the queen on a chess board and everyone else is simply a pawn. NPDs sometimes create a fantasy narrative about themselves as having unlimited success, power, brilliance or love. They cannot self-reflect and when confronted they will say and do whatever is necessary in that moment to protect their grandiose self-image even if it contradicts anything they’ve said or done previously. If asked about this inconsistency later, the NPD will often deflect the issue, deny responsibility, gas light and often blame or denigrate the questioner. Again, sound familiar? If you know an NPD, chances are very good that you’ve been on the receiving end of this behavior and you thought you were going crazy. You weren’t.
An NPD can be fun an exciting at first. As a relationship coach and counselor, I know that when we meet someone and have a romantic attraction, we will hide the not so pretty part of ourselves and show off that positive aspects of ourselves. We then put the other person on a pedestal in an attempt to win their affection, and then go play with our new partner. The most problematic PDs, including NPDs, can do this particularly well and it’s often intoxicating. Inevitably, there will be a disagreement and the NPD will obfuscate, deflect, become defensive. If pressed, they will intensify and escalate the conflict, as they need to protect their grandiose narrative. Normal personalities recognize that we all make mistakes and the more mature the person, the more they’re willing to accept responsibility and move towards a win/win solution. The NPD will almost never accept responsibility and their friends or partners often become aggravated and tired of fighting in trying to get them to accept some responsibility. The latter eventually become exasperated and hopeless of the process and of receiving all the blame and they often become resigned and give up trying.
Unfortunately, I don’t have time to fully detail how to deal with an NPD and I try to do that later. Honestly, I’m pretty busy with my practice now and my not have time. I will say that in dealing with an NPD, or any other PD for that matter, many people make two common mistakes. They believe that an NPD is able to self-reflect and self-correct and they get sucked into the drama instigated by the NPD. Since most people are able to look at themselves and assess whether they made a mistake, most people think that everyone can do this. Therefore, people assume that NPDs can admit a mistake and that they want to make corrective action. NPDs simply cannot do this. To begin to manage an NPD, you have to maintain mature and appropriate behavior at all times regardless of how the NPD responds. Do not believe that they have the ability to empathize, have compassion, or self-reflect. They cannot do these things. You have to recognize that everything they do, I mean everything, is about supporting their (sometimes grandiose) perspective. They will say or do anything to defend that perspective.
When an NPD becomes angry, they up-regulate. In other words, they are in their flight/fight response and they will deny, denounce, deflect and demean. It’s imperative to remain calm, ignore the content of their conversation and offer empathy to the discomfort the NPD is facing without making them feel weak. Never give unsolicited advice, as the NPD will see it as demeaning. Instead, ask if they’d like feedback that may be helpful. If they agree, offer the feedback in a clear and concise manner spoon feeding them the specific point, as they are limited in the ability to self-reflect. It’s also important to determine their perspective, as you can use it to create a win/win agreement. It can be done, but you have to be aware, responsible, be on your toes and think strategically, as you need to play chess to their checkers.
When attempting to make agreements with NPDs, they need to be suggestions so that the NPDs believe they have the advantage. They also need to be specific and behavioral so that if the agreement is violated, the NPD can be confronted in a clear, non-judgmental and neutral manner pointing out again the benefit of the agreement to the NPD. All violations of agreement need to be pointed out in a manner such as this because exceptions to agreements create drama. At the same time, you must pick you battles. Therefore, make agreements on very basic things at first (again, to the benefit of the NPD) so as not to overwhelm them. Examples may include being on time, saving money, a commitment to exercise.
It takes a lot of work being in any type of significant relationship with an NPD and it can be very exasperating and exhausting. It’s best to recognize one before becoming significantly involved and I hope I’ve been able to give you some insight into them so you’re able to recognize one and run as fast as you can in the other direction.
