Looking for Light
Lying for lies
A golden lie
Your red red hair
Your almond eyes
Teaneck, New Jersey
The rest of the promised rain held off, which left the girl hot and nervous; owing more to what she was bound to hear than to the dog-day that now approached a painful August evening. She teetered as she walked down the sidewalk; her vertigo due solely to the ear infection left unattended for too long. He preferred his girls in very high heels, and even so, she appreciated the look almost as much as she detested the reason for wearing them.
Looking for light
A golden light
Red red hair
And almond eyes
She managed to negotiate the short distance between the safety of the awning-covered doorway to the Dodge Avenger that idled in the parking space at the end of the lot. She walked to the driver’s side and leaned against the door. The driver pulled off sunglasses; revealing an attractive woman. The girl backed away slightly and smiled.
“Oh, lookie here,” the woman said with a wry smile.
“You’re young, but you’ll do,” she said as she pointed to the passenger side of the car. A moment later the girl was sitting nervously as the woman tapped her watch.
Searching for love
A wallet's hot
The price is right
It's money for love
Looking for light
A golden light
With your red red hair
And almond eyes
Laurel you came here<
“What may I expect, kid?” She leaned back and turned to the girl, who stared almost blankly.
“What will you do and what do you want. I know you’re special., so where and what and how much? “
“Uh… $200 for….” The girl stammered and blushed; her complexion turning from near alabaster to a red almost as dark as her hair.
“Yes?” The woman tilted her head slightly in question. The girl shrugged her shoulders slightly as she plunged into only partly uncharted waters.
“$200 for … tongue. I gotta room at the motel.” She pointed across the street. “Depends if you wanna fuck. Another $200?”
“Okay,” the woman said and got out. A moment later she was standing next to the girl by the front of the car. The girl motioned for the woman to follow and put her hand out.
“Sorry, kid,” the woman said as she snapped handcuffs on the girl's wrists.
“You bitch! You fucking cunt! Fuck you.” A patrol car pulled up; lights flashing but no siren. Two cops exited and walked over. The girl screamed even as the woman calmly read the girl her rights off a laminated card. One of the patrol officers pushed the girl’s head down and urged her into the car.
“Fuck….. Fuck….” The girl repeated a few times; her face turning quickly from anger to utter despair as she burst into tears. She began to bang her head softly against the seat.
“Hey…stop that,” the other uniform yelled through the closed car door. The woman put her hand on the cop’s shoulder in caution.
“She won’t go batshit on you, Tom. Twelve years old – thirteen tops. She’s given up. Probably no place to go… no home…probably she was abused. And two...probably her only…friends… two in the last six months just like her on a slab downtown.”
“She? That’s a dude, Meg.”
“No. I’ve seen kids like her. She was her way before the prick latched onto her. Girls like her either get turned away by the church shelters or get beat down or worse. Nobody to watch over her? Keep her safe? Underneath it all, that’s one scared little girl.” Meg shook her head. Officer Jaworski wasn’t really bad so much as misinformed. She hoped he’d continue to ask questions.
“I guess I get it. I … guess I don’t know why you try so hard. Why try, Meg? You can’t save them all.”
Margaret Noonan had begun to trust her fellow cops. But apart from her former partner in blue and now wife Anita, Meg was cautious enough to know whom she could expect would understand. She glanced down at her body while Tommy’s attention was drawn to the now sobbing boy/girl in the back of the patrol car. He turned and shrugged his shoulders.
“What does it matter, Meg? Like I said – you can’t save everyone.” Tommy wasn’t ready just yet to learn about Meg’s past; someday, but not today. She smiled and pointed to the girl.
“Starfish, Tommy, my man. Starfish…”
Behind the smile
An angry mind
Don't wait for tonight
Cruel Light
cross a starless sky
It cuts like tiny knives
Rain beating down
Rain beating down
Bogata, New Jersey
The music would have betrayed him but for the earbuds that kept it all to himself. The boy turned off the player and tossed it on his desk before walking across the room. He stared at the mirror over his dresser; backlit only by uncaring moonlight streaming through his bedroom window. The face in the mirror stared back; a glare of self-hatred barely mitigated by the idea that he wanted to welcome his image even as he hoped it would disappear.
Tender and town
Won't leave you now
Wanted you so bad
I feel like I'm caught with no air
Wanted you gone
Wanted you there
“Marky? Get in here!” The man’s voice was demanding and already promising to be dismissive and unforgiving. He dropped the magazine he was perusing on his bed; making no effort to hide it since his father’s tone probably meant that being found with a copy of Modern Bride was the least of his worries. He walked briskly down the hall with a resolve to face the rage to come.
“It took you long enough,” his father said as he slapped the boy; sending him to fall over the armrest into the dark leather couch; nose bloodied and likely broken
“Vito, please?” Cara went to pull his raised arm away from the boy, but his glower pushed her away.
“What the fuck is this?” The man pointed to a large, brightly colored shopping bag like you might find at the end of the checkout at Shoprite or Kohls, Marky kept his head raised; still expecting another slap but with a fatigue from too much self-protection giving way to a new, necessary need for self-determination. He resisted adding to the confrontation and merely stated,
“It’s my ‘hope’ bag, Dad.” Marky was too tired to avoid the endearment he still used for his father, which became ironically sad. Vito glared at the boy and snapped at him.
“You know what I mean,” he said as he dumped the contents of the bag onto the couch; barely missing the boy’s head. Out tumbled a couple of bras and a few panties along with some lime green jeans, a purple denim skirt, some brightly colored tops and a pair of bright pink Nikes. Vito pointed to the clothes and picked his son up by the collar of his tee shirt. Marky braced for another slap but instead saw his mother take the blow as she stepped between her ex and her son. She tumbled to the floor; dazed with a bloody lip.
“You fucking cunt! See what you made me do?”
Vito redoubled his efforts and went to hit Marky once again but felt his arm twist behind his back as a female cop and her partner, the boy’s step-father Archie, pulled Vito back and away, slamming him against the living room wall.
“You fucking bastard,” Archie said as he handcuffed Vito. He handed the stunned man off to the two backup uniforms who had just arrived. Cara was already up and had run to Archie’s waiting arms even as Marky sat on the couch; his sobs a painful blend of relief and sadness as his father was led away by the two other cops. Sonya, Archie’s partner, knelt in front of Marky; grabbing both hands with hers.
“It’s over, honey… It’s over.” She turned and looked at Archie and Cara; thankful the boy had called her after his father had kicked down the door. Whatever the court decided the family would be safe for at least the next few years as his father would have his parole violated. Marky sighed as he stared out the front doorway past the broken door as the patrol car pulled away almost silently with lights flashing.
“You gonna be okay, honey?” Sonya asked even as she helped the boy up into a careful embrace. He looked down at his feet; pantyhose-clad and barely obscured by over-sized blue Giants sweatpants. Looking up with embarrassment he saw Sonya had also gazed at his feet, but was grinning calmly. He noticed his mother’s smile and his step-father Archie – the only father he had really ever known – nod as tears spilled off the kind man’s cheeks. Sonya pulled him into a hug where he resumed sobbing.
Cara and Archie stepped closer as Sonya shot her partner and her sister Cara an assuring smile; the kind of smile that says, ‘it’s okay….everything’s going to be alright.’ Even as they all embraced a short, dark-haired girl peered around the broken door, looking very nervous.
“Are you okay? Is Marky okay?” The boy stepped out from behind his parents and past his aunt. He nodded nervously before running down the hall. The girl shot a sideways-can-I glance before running after the boy as a relieved collective sigh said everything would indeed be okay.
There's wild in your eyes oh Thea
There's a light there's a feeling
It's cruel and its dark in this town
Are they mad were we dreaming
Years later, Little Ferry, New Jersey
The woman sighed as her friend handed her a Kirin and a plate with a couple of slices of Sicilian pizza covered with onions and sausage. His wife sat down at the picnic table next to him and smiled at her friend. She and her sister had known Meg since middle school; having traded hugs and Sketchers and secrets she felt best left for Meg to tell.
“So what was so urgent that brought us together?” Tommy arched an eyebrow in mock surprise. Meg turned to her wife who in turn looked across the table at her sister. The two nodded; an almost conspiratorial signal between twins as Meg smiled.
“When I was…” she hesitated as old less inviting memories inserted themselves in the present. Anita Robles-Noonan rubbed Meg’s arm even as Tommy Jaworsky leaned closer at his wife Maya’s urging.
“When we were kids… " she paused and looked back and forth between the women who had helped rescue her when they were all in ninth grade.
"Tommy? You asked me why I care about the kids…the transgender kids we see?” She bit the inside of her mouth nervously.
“Yeah… I looked up that Starfish thing… you can’t save em all, but it matters to the one you do save?” Tommy grinned at the idea of understanding the story, but his enlightenment was about to increase exponentially. Meg hesitated; the words still felt shameful after all the years between, but she managed to pat her chest with the palm of her hand even as Anita and Maya stood and hugged her; Anita saying in calm, loving assurance,
“She cares now because it mattered to one … him….then.”
Meg winced at her wife’s words until Tommy smiled; failing horribly at avoiding his own tears as he said at last in quiet assurance,
“And…it matters to me.”
Tender torn sundown on Isthmus
All for you oh hungry moon
It's a long long night of waiting
I want you there I want you gone
Searching for love
Searching for love
A wallet's hot
The price is right
It's money for love
In front of B & G Liquors and Bar, Teaneck New Jersey, Christmas Eve afternoon…
Drifting out of time
Something on your mind
And I wanna be the one that you call
When you get down
No matter where you are in the world
I'll be around
The girl strongly resembled Mila Kunis – right down to being much younger than she appeared. Her day would have been miserable even if the ground had been covered with a pristine blanket of snow. But it wasn’t a pretty winter’s day. She stood precariously on ankle-length boots whose three inch heels barely raised her feet out of the slush that spilled onto the sidewalk in front of the liquor store. She wrapped herself in a self hug and pulled her faux fur coat tighter in a futile effort to staunch the cold.
“Hey!” An angry voice called from behind.
“Get the fuck outta here! How many times do I have to tell you and your girlfriends to stay away from here?” The man shoved her rudely; thankfully her fall was broken by a dirty pile of a leftover snow bank. She went to stand up but teetered over and fell against a light pole as her left heel broke off. She slumped back down onto the sidewalk, and despite her best efforts to put in a brave face, she put her head down and began to sob.
“Hey kid? Give me your hand.” A voice spoke softy. She looked up and found herself facing a smile worn by a friendly Teaneck woman detective. The girl scurried sideways to flee, but her path was blocked by the pole.
“Easy….you’re not in any trouble… leastwise from me.” Meg Noonan held out her hand again. The girl took Meg’s hand and weakly rose to her feet; barely balanced on her undamaged right boot. As she stood she pulled against the Meg’s grip in a futile attempt to flee.
“Hey…. Relax. You’re not in trouble.” Even as she spoke she pulled the girl around and pushed her firmly through the already opened left rear door of the unmarked police cruiser. The girl went to push past her, but Meg closed the door; evoking expletives rendered somewhat muffled by the door window. A moment later, Meg was behind the wheel of the cruiser but held off starting the car.
“You bitch…. You said I wasn’t in trouble…You lied!” The girl’s words were an equal mix if anger and sadness.
“You‘re not in trouble… for the most part.” Meg turned and smile. The girl glared.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“If you were in real trouble, you’d be sitting on cuffed hands and we’d already be on the way to the station. But you are in some trouble that will get worse if you keep this up.” Meg pointed to the sidewalk.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” The girl looked at her free hands before folding he arms in a ‘go ahead, entertain me’ move. Meg took a deep breath before continuing. As much as she wanted to help the girl, the next few moments were going to be anything but gentle.
“Do you know a kid named Tasha?”
Yeah…what of it?” The girl remained defiant.
“Starla? Tina?” Meg bit her lip, fearing the girl’s reaction as she carefully phrased the next question.
“Did you know them?”
“Whaddya mean did? “ The girl tilted her head and closed her eyes as a look of fearful recognition crossed her face.
“It’s been awfully cold, kid. Wet and even sleety the past two weeks. I’m sorry” Meg’s sad frustration was reflected in the look of horror on the girl’s face.
“No! You’re fucking lying! You lie!” Even as the words left her mouth the girl began to pound the seat with balled fists. She started to shake, and her sobs quickly turned to a sorrowful moan. No words could argue against the truth of what Meg had just not said.
“I’m so sorry.” Meg spoke in an almost whisper as much to herself as to the girl. She had taken the call at the strip mall last week. One of the counter girls at the pizza joint had found the body of the thirteen-year-old child known only as Tina in the back doorway; probably huddled against the cold. The two others were found in the back of an abandoned sedan behind the old Pathmark.
After a few minutes, Meg started the car and they were in the road.
The girl looked up.
“Where…where are we going?” She looked around frantically.
“Relax, kid. Like I said, you’re NOT in trouble. I missed lunch.” A few minutes later they were parked in front of the Five Star Coffee Shop. Meg reached into the gym bag in the front seat and stepped out of the car. Opening the right side rear door, she thrust a pair of cross-trainers into the girl’s hands and pointed to the heel-less boot now discarded in the seat beside the girl.
“May be a bit big but they’ll do for now.” She half-smiled as the girl put the shoes on without loosening the laces. Meg offered the girl her hand, but her gesture was ignored as the girl exited the car. She held her hands out as if to receive cuffs or a zip tie.
“Can’t very well eat if your hands are secured. You like chili? Maybe a grilled ham and cheese?” The girl shook her head no, but headed toward the door of the diner. For one fleeting moment it almost looked as if she was about to bolt down the sidewalk, but Meg laughed softly as she ushered the girl into the restaurant.
“We’re both tired and hungry. Why don’t you wait at least until after we eat before you make a run for it, okay?” Meg noticed the girl barely contain a grin. Meg’s cell rang.
“Hey Nee…. Yes… Phil called? We can? Great, babe… see you at home.”
A few moments later they were seated; each with a mug of coffee and a huge plate of chili fries between them. The waitress smiled and patted Meg’s shoulder. Her name tag read ‘Antonia.’
“We’re closin’ early, but you can take your time.” She turned to the girl, placing a plate with a cheeseburger in front of her.
“Merry Christmas.” The girl ignored her and turned her attention once again to the food; not rude so much as famished.
“Tell Tommy and Maya Merry Christmas for me Meg?“
“And the same to you and yours, Toni. Merry Christmas.” She squeezed Toni’s hand.
“And you can tell them yourself since they'll be there and you’re still coming by tomorrow?” Meg asked. Toni nodded as the girl remained focused on her cheeseburger and the remaining fries.
"You need anything?"
“You and Lori want to bring some wine?”
“Yes and yes,” Toni said. She glanced at the girl and tilted her head slightly in question. Meg nodded and smiled, mouthing ‘pray.’
“Oh…. By the way? Meal’s my treat. Don’t rush out without giving me a hug.” Toni smiled back and walked away.
“So do you get a medal?” The girl took a gulp of her coffee. Meg half-frowned, but patted the girl on the wrist; evoking a start.
“No. I just love chili fries.” Before the girl could respond, Meg added.
“So what do folks call you?”
“What?” Meg pointed to the tag on her shirt.
“Your name? Mine’s Noonan…Margaret Noonan. My friends call me Meg.”
“Margaret’s my Mom’s name….” Meg smiled until the girl added,
“I hate my Mom. Actually she’s my Dad’s girlfriend. “ Meg expected that it went further than that,
“You miss your real Mom. What was her name?”
“Lana. Short for Svetlana…. She was from the Ukraine…, came here…..” The girl hesitated and gasped at the thought of what further to say. Meg knew that there were second-generation pros but even this was beyond her experience. The girl answered the un-asked question.
“She died when I was ten. She….”
“I’m so sorry.” Meg’s eyes welled with tears. The girl gasped.
“Why? What the fuck is it to you?”
“My Mom is fighting… breast cancer. You must be so…” Try as she might, the girl's bravado failed her as she began to cry. Meg got up and sat down in the chair next to her..
“I know, sweetie, I know….” Meg leaned close as the girl fell into her and sobbed. Toni came over and placed two glasses of ice water and mouthed ‘still praying’ before walking into the kitchen. A few moments later the girl’s sobs had subsided and Meg held her at arm’s length.
“I know it’s not the same. I do. But my real dad never understood me. He beat me and Mommy until he got sent up for robbing a store. Mommy ended up marrying my step-dad – my real Dad. you know. My father got out on parole and would have killed us…. He…he hated who I was….”
The girl looked confused. Now it was time for Meg to answer the un-asked question.
“I was just like you…. Just like who you are and not what…” The girl’s eyes widened in confusion mixed with hope.
“What’s your name?”
“My name? Crystal…..”
“No honey, your real...sorry...your other name.” Meg leaned closer but the girl misunderstood but still confirmed Meg’s suspicion.
“Max….Maxim… after my Dad…..” The girl bit her lip as tears of shame tolled off her cheeks.
“My name was Mark. I know, honey. I know.” The girl continued to cry. Meg waited until the girl was quiet once again.
“I know this is a lot for you to take in, but it’s Christmas Eve and all. My boss called my home. My wife says social services phoned …they owe me a few favors…. We don’t want to see you lost in the foster system.”
“We? You…you have a wife?”
“Yes. Anita. She wants you to come…”
“She? Come for Christmas?”
“And after we can figure out how to help you.” Meg smiled. The girl was still crying, but her weight had lifted; leaving her with a peace she’d never before known.
Meg stood and helped the girl to her feet just in time to received the promised hug from Toni. who hugged the girl as well and kissed her on the forehead.
“See you tomorrow, sweetie?” Toni looked back and forth between the two, Meg smiled as she returned the hug.
“Thank you,” she whispered before speaking aloud.
“She’ll be staying with me and Anita. So until tomorrow, Merry Christmas.”
With that, Meg and the girl walked out to the car. She opened the front passenger side door.
“Up front with me, kid?” The girl smiled through confused but happy tears.
“Say, you don’t really look like a Crystal, and I know you’re not really…Max?” The girl nodded as she got into the car.
“Would you mind if we called you Lana?” Meg asked as she got behind the wheel. Whatever reserve defense that remained in the girl dissipated as she put her head on Meg’s shoulder and sobbed happy tears. Meg started the car. As she pulled out she glanced at the girl and smiled.
“Lana it is.”
Fly me away on an aeroplane
High in the sky wanna see you again
Wanna know this time
Gonna tell you what I'm feeling
Gonna know this time
Gonna get it back that feeling
Inspired by the music of Goldfrapp
Thea
Fly Me Away