Back in 1999, I was dragooned into Macy's New York for Christmas shopping by my girlfriend. And I hate shopping with a woman.
Men just want to hunt down and kill what they want to buy, whereas women think nothing of going into seven different stores to look at what they might buy, without actually buying anything.
So I, the clueless old white guy, and my girlfriend, half black and half Cherokee (meaning I had two angry oppressed minorities in one package to deal with), agreed to split up and meet back in the Macy's atrium in thirty minutes.
We were both dressed professionally: I in a business suit and tie, long overcoat, and fedora; she in a pantsuit, leather coat, and low heels.
Unbeknownst to each other, we both went to the second floor. Now, the second floor is split in two by the atrium, and when you're up there, you can look across the atrium and see the other half of the second floor. If you're looking.
I idle around the menswear department, pick up a couple shirts and a silk tie, and wander back downstairs in plenty of time to meet my inamorata.
Ten minutes later, she comes downstairs and rushes up to me, wild-eyed and inflamed. "Didn't you see me waving at you? Didn't you see what they did?"
"Uh, no, dear. I was looking at shirts and ties."
"They followed me! As soon as I got up there, these three security guys followed me all over the store! Up and down the aisles!"
The part of my brain that was going to say "Why'd they do that?" was immediately over-ridden by the part of my brain that belatedly reailzed that she was guilty of... SWB! Shopping While Black!
So all that came out of me, in response to an angry black woman who was mad enough to set phonebooks on fire with her eyes, was: "Hunh."
This did not calm her, for some reason.
Then I had an inspiration. "Oh my God. What a great idea. This is great!"
Her lasering gaze did not abate, but it flickered a little.
"Don't you see? We can be a tag team! You go in and distract the guards, and while they're all following you, I can get half the store underneath my overcoat and just walk out! Are you kidding me? An old, gray-haired white guy in a suit? Hell, they'll probably hold the door open for me and call me a cab!"
That got a laugh out of her. And that's all I wanted to do.
So while I do approve of using racism ju-jitsu and turning prejudice back onto the prejudice-holder, I certainly would not condone any interracial couple actually using such a technique to shoplift.
But if they were to do such a thing -- to paraphrase Chris Rock -- "I understand."
