I need a shower

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Thursday March 19, 2015 · 8:03 AM PDT

2015/03/19 · 08:03

Intellectually I know there are plenty of ignorant, hateful people out there. The crazy woman spewing CT all over the Santorum event was a perfect case in point. But we tend to shake our heads at people like her, dismiss her fevered rantings about Obama trying to nuke South Carolina as the product of a crackpot.

When Santorum refused to refute any of the crazy, but instead reinforced her by referring to the President as a 'tyrant,' I was irritated. Allowing that sort of thing any mainstream validation only emboldens them. Hell, I'm waiting for Orly Taitz to come out from under her rock one of these days, although her 15 minutes have long passed their 'sell-by' date.

Then there's Glenn Beck, announcing he's leaving the Republican Party because apparently they're just not wing-nutty enough for him. Whatev. He also slid into irrelevance years ago, and he's welcome to the three viewers (listeners?) he shares with Alex Jones.

But knowing that they're out there in some amorphous fashion is far different than seeing them in pack mode. Over the metaphorical fold, if you will...

puzzled for The Grieving Room

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Monday November 10, 2014 · 5:01 PM PST

2014/11/10 · 17:01

I’ve been wallowing in a funk lately. Not sure how to untangle the threads of grief from those of depression, dissatisfaction, and confusion stemming from my own situation and that of the world. It all feels inexorably knotted together into one giant ball of misery.

I first came to the Grieving Room more than four years ago, after my dad died. We were very close, and I still miss him. But his death was more than just the loss of a parent, and probably the most influential person in my life. It was the catalyst that set off a chain of events in my life that have led to a dizzying series of changes, to other painful losses, and to a still-evolving sense of self.

A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.

puzzled

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Friday October 25, 2013 · 12:41 PM PDT

2013/10/25 · 12:41

Or maybe that should be tweets. Nah, I'll stick with twits, though stronger language certainly comes to mind to describe a relatively new phenomenon.

In August, billionaire investor Carl Icahn tweeted:

We currently have a large position in APPLE. We believe the company to be extremely undervalued. Spoke to Tim Cook today. More to come.

The stock jumped almost 20 dollars on this move—a $17 billion dollar increase in value. Icahn, of course, saw the value of his holdings in Apple increase proportionately.

We’ve seen stocks move up in the past on the news that Warren Buffett is buying shares, nothing new about that, except that Buffett doesn’t tweet his moves in real time. The Icahn tweet, sent during market hours, caught many off guard and has sparked some questions as to the ethics of such self-serving announcements.

puzzled

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Saturday April 06, 2013 · 3:42 PM PDT

2013/04/06 · 15:42

Whether ‘tis nobler when the mind is gone to
Suffer the pokes, prods and pills of medicine
Or to take arms against a sea of doctors and nurses
And just say “Enough!”

(With all due apologies to Bill.)

My mother has never been formally diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s. When it became obvious to all around her that her memory was failing, she refused to submit herself to the tests which would have labeled her condition. I didn’t disagree with her choice at the time—a name tag that said “Hi, my name is Loretta and I have Alzheimer’s” would have changed nothing in the course of her disease or its treatment.

As time has passed, the deterioration has accelerated, helped along by multiple hospitalizations for co-morbidities such as congestive heart failure and recurrent UTIs.

Each time she’s admitted to the hospital, she comes out a little more confused and a lot weaker. Over the course of half a dozen hospitalizations in the past three years she’s managed to contract at least two nosocomial infections which required a week’s IV antibiotics at home. Nasty, nasty bugs.

Since the first of the year, she’s been on at least four different antibiotics for UTIs and spent 3 nights in the hospital for same. We now have home health nurses coming to check on her every few days, and a couple of days ago the nurse told me that the last urine sample cultured “something” and they wanted me to take her to the Emergency Room if she got worse.

I said “No,” and the nurse looked at me in shock. I explained that we weren’t being abusive or neglectful, but that I, as her health care surrogate, in consultation with my siblings and our regular caregivers had decided that the risk/reward of additional hospitalizations for things we could treat at home favored keeping her in familiar surroundings.

puzzled

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Tuesday March 26, 2013 · 5:17 PM PDT

2013/03/26 · 17:17

A few months ago, a friend shared with me a note written by his six-year-old daughter to her mother:

School was bad. People are annoying. They always want to talk to me.

He found this hilarious, because he understood her sentiments completely, as can I. For me, being sociable is like eating mushrooms. I know other people enjoy them, but I just don’t see the attraction. Somehow I’ve gotten the message that I should like them, and I’ve tried, but I just don’t. They’re squeaky, rubbery and muddy-tasting.

Similarly, I know that people with close relationships live longer, healthier lives, but for me social interaction is a chore, right up there with going to the dentist. I always thought I could do at least a decent job of faking it, but a few years ago I went to a conference with a small group from our organization. I felt like I was chatting, interacting and small-talking my way through the week, but upon our return, the CEO, with whom I’d spent quite a bit of time, gave me a copy of a book: The Introvert Advantage. Apparently the only one I was fooling was myself.

In the book (as you may have already surmised, I love books), the author notes that while extroverts are energized by social interaction, introverts are left drained by them. This is exactly me. After a day of meetings, I want to sit in a quiet room and stare at the walls. Even activities I enjoy wear me out if they involve talking to lots of other people, and I’m a pretty high-energy person.

puzzled

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Saturday January 19, 2013 · 9:25 AM PST

2013/01/19 · 09:25

Today is my mom’s birthday. She’s 89. I brought her flowers. She’s not really sure who I am, but the roses are lovely. She also doesn’t remember from one minute to the next that it’s her birthday, so we remind her. Over and over and over again.

Like we have to remind her that my dad isn’t coming to dinner, because he’s been gone almost three years. Don’t get me started on this one—I’ve been outvoted. My choice would be to tell her he’s out of town, and wait until she remembers on her own, which she eventually does. Reminding her of his death seems to me to be unnecessarily cruel—usually she snaps back and remembers, but on a few occasions it’s been like telling her the first time, and she’s inconsolable with grief for hours.

But there are no easy answers, and the things that work one day may not work the next day, or even the next hour. It’s a constant struggle to keep her safe, healthy and as happy as she can be under the circumstances.

puzzled

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Saturday September 22, 2012 · 7:33 AM PDT

2012/09/22 · 07:33

A long time ago, there was a family. They wanted a house with room to grow. After much searching, the perfect candidate was located. It had a huge yard with plenty of room for dogs and kids to play, beautiful stained woodwork in an area where painted was the standard, and a large comfortable kitchen.

Over the years, the woman put her stamp on the house. Walls were painted, furniture purchased. Of course as the family grew in size and number, bigger changes were made—a playroom was added, the master bath was renovated to allow for more closet space and hallelujah a bathtub where she could soak away the cares of the day.

The crowning glory, a couple of decades into residence, after the kids were almost grown and thousands of meals had been prepared and served—a new kitchen. The one that came with the house had served its purpose, but its shortcomings had become apparent over the years, and it was worn and faded, much like the marriage of the couple who lived there.

The new kitchen was everything the woman thought she wanted—it was arranged efficiently, the finishes, the appliances, every last detail chosen with excruciating care. Of course the actual construction had the usual delays and challenges of any remodeling project, but the end result was well worth the time and effort.

But all the paint and cabinetry and tile and shiny new stainless steel appliances couldn’t fill the emptiness inside the woman. She began to disengage—finding new interests, new friends—people who saw her as a person, not merely as a part of the house. She told one of these new friends she felt like a ghost in her own home, as if no one there could actually see her.

puzzled

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Thursday August 09, 2012 · 8:04 AM PDT

2012/08/09 · 08:04

I joined the Great Orange Satan, becoming user number 99894. I had lurked for a while, but finally got up the nerve to take the plunge, although it probably was a while before I actually posted my first comment. I am so glad I signed up when I did—had I hesitated, I would have been saddled with one of those unfashionably large six-digit numbers.

Back in 2006, I didn’t have an iPod, had barely even heard of satellite radio, so one day, on my way home from a meeting, I was moving at a slow crawl down the interstate, impatiently punching buttons on the car radio, searching for a traffic report that would explain the problem. I stumbled upon Rush Limbaugh (ptooey) fulminating about a horrible, communistic website called “Daily Kos.”

Unsurprisingly, the first thing I did when I finally made it home was to find this place and begin reading. Thanks, Rush. I think that first day I must have read a couple dozen diaries, just trying to find my way around, and get a sense of the place. I was hooked.

I watched the Lieberman debacle, and was saddened when he defeated Ned Lamont in the general election. Followed the Scooter Libby trial, and many other events over the years, often coming here for the news even before searching the traditional media sites. Was guilted into phone-banking and canvassing, and found a link to Election Protection and spent a cold, rainy day in November 2008 helping people exercise their right to vote. Came home that night, took a hot shower, and settled down in front of the television, laptop at the ready, to cheer with my virtual friends when Barack Obama took the stage in Chicago.

More drivel on the other side of the fleur-de-kos...

puzzled for The Grieving Room

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Monday April 02, 2012 · 5:14 PM PDT

2012/04/02 · 17:14

A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.

A link to all previous Grieving Room diaries.

Last Friday marked the second anniversary of my dad’s death. As everyone tells you, in some ways it gets easier, but there is still that hole that remains; a void in my life that no one else can fill. I am very much my father’s daughter. My personality is much like his, and losing the person who was most like me in the world—the one person I could confide in, bounce crazy ideas off, or just debate with--felt like losing a part of myself.

puzzled

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Tuesday January 24, 2012 · 6:13 PM PST

2012/01/24 · 18:13

I read this story today about Trust Women Week and the 1 in 3 Campaign. I was hoping it would get more traction than it did, because it spoke to me, and because the synchronicity was too much for me to ignore.

Hi, my name is puzzled and I had an abortion.

I had never typed those words, never thought I would, with or without my real name until last night. However, I have recently been on a very strange journey toward openness and self-examination which has pushed me well out of my comfort zone. (though not so far I'm ready to give up the relative anonymity of my nom de blog) :-)

I have shared many details of my life with the friend I’ve referenced in the above links, but had told him I needed to hold back a few parts of myself--that certain things were off-limits. This is one of those things I thought I’d never tell him. I couldn't imagine why I would, because it's a secret I've kept for decades. (insert wry laughter here)

I am finding that in direct contrast to the closed-off person I've always been, by opening up and trusting I am happier, calmer and less fearful. It makes no logical sense—giving someone information which could later be used to hurt me should make me feel less safe, not more, but life is complicated, and the journey, as well as my evolution, continues.

So I decided to take another giant step and tell him this story on January 22, the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Circumstances intervened, and Sunday passed without an opportunity to share it. Last night, the time was right, but I was afraid—my heart was pounding as I blurted out (can one actually blurt while typing?) a short version of what I am about to tell you. Though he is kind and non-judgmental, I worried that he would not understand. His politics are much more conservative than mine in some ways, he is a churchgoer, and he is adopted. All reasons I should just have STFU and kept my secret buried where it has been since I was fifteen. But I seem compelled to share (or perhaps over-share), so off I went.

puzzled

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Wednesday September 21, 2011 · 6:54 AM PDT

2011/09/21 · 06:54

You know that experience where you're idly channel surfing and something just stops you cold? I had one of those moments yesterday. I landed on Bloomberg tv, just in time to hear an interview with hedge fund guru Jim Chanos. Chanos first drew national attention for shorting Enron and has gained a reputation as a whistle-blower, because he does the kind of due diligence few in the financial industry seem inclined to pursue.

I was interested to hear his take on current world economic conditions, but was rewarded with something even better toward the end of the interview. I began by nodding head in agreement with many of his points and progressed to actually clapping my hands and cheering.

The interview starts out with a discussion of the global economic situation, and at a little after the 3:10 mark, speaking of the European austerity programs, he says (my paraphrases throughout here): “We’re in this weird trap of the fact that no one seems to have ever taken MacroEconomics 101 in terms of trying to cut their way to prosperity.”

Not just in Europe, Mr. Chanos...

He also has strong concerns about China’s economic condition, and the real debt there, obscured by their accounting techniques, which he describes as “at European levels” in terms of Chinese GDP. Chanos expects the Chinese property bubble to burst by the end of 2011 or beginning of 2012.

My ears perked up at that one, but if you watch nothing else, follow me below the squiggle for the video and my rough transcript of the really good stuff.

puzzled

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Thursday June 30, 2011 · 12:33 PM PDT

2011/06/30 · 12:33

Florida Governor ~~Sick Rott~~ Rick Scott is currently enjoying the cool mountain air of Colorado, after declaring a State of Emergency due to raging wildfires in the state he is supposed to be governing.

Presumably, the change of scenery and opportunity to kiss the rings of the Koch brothers are a welcome change from the Governor’s reception in his home state, where his 29 percent approval rating has him as popular as sunburn or heat rash.

The only constituent group still in his corner are the teabaggers, and his decision to sign the state’s budget in that haven of crispy critters and STDs, The Villages, ensured him a cheering crowd, especially since the few liberals in that retirement enclave were barred from protesting at the love-fest.

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I need a shower

The Grieving Room: Let the Tears Flow

Market Manipulating Twits

To Treat or Not to Treat: That is the Question

People Annoy Me: An Introvert's Lament

A Bittersweet Day

Fade Away

Six Years Ago Today

The Grieving Room: Picking Up the Pieces

Telling my Story

Jim Chanos--A Rich Guy who Gets It

Is Florida still a retirement paradise?