Media: Secretary Clinton, thank you for joining us.
Hillary: Thank you for having me.
Media: There are rumors floating around out there that you like Key Lime pie. Can you tell us about that?
Hillary: Well actually, the rumors are true. I’ve always loved Key Lime pie – ever since I was a kid. Our family took a driving trip down to Key West when I was a little girl. That was the first time I had ever had it, and it’s been a favorite ever since.
Media: That’s nice. But why didn’t you tell us about this before?
Hillary: Tell you about what before?
Media: About your love for Key Lime pie. Why weren’t you more forthcoming?
Hillary: Well, you’re just asking me about this now. That’s why we’re discussing it.
Media: But did you like Key Lime pie last Wednesday?
Hillary: As I said, I’ve liked it since I was a little girl.
Media: So the time frame you’ve laid out includes last Wednesday, correct?
Hillary: Well. . . I guess it does.
Media: Then why weren’t we hearing about this last Wednesday? What else are you hiding?
Hillary: Did you really need to know my pie preferences last Wednesday?
Media: Doesn’t this just feed into the narrative some people have about you that you just aren’t transparent?
Hillary: Well, my husband and I have made 30 years of our tax returns public – as well as our Foundation records. I feel like that’s pretty transparent, especially considering Donald Trump has done neither.
Media: Donald Trump’s doctor released a note, so we know he’s the healthiest person in human history. The note says so. Do you deny such a note exists?
Hillary: What does that have to do with his tax returns and Foundation records? That’s what we were just discussing here.
Media: Don’t try and change the subject. Why do you refuse to answer such a simple question? What else are you hiding?
Hillary: I thought we were here to talk about Key Lime pie.
Media: Okay, let’s do that. . . “Secretary” Clinton – if that’s even your real name.
Hillary: Well my actual name is Hillary. I was formerly Secretary of State, so a lot of people refer to me as “Secretary Clinton”.
Media: Are you currently someone’s secretary?
Hillary: Well, no. That’s the last title I had in the Government.
Media: So you’re lying, right?
Hillary: This is getting ridiculous.
Media: Let’s talk about your e-mails. Despite claiming in this interview that you like Key Lime pie, no references to Key Lime pie were found in your e-mails. Were those e-mails deleted, or have you been lying about liking Key Lime pie this whole time?
Hillary: I’m pretty sure I didn’t spend my time at the State Department e-mailing colleagues and foreign diplomats about my love of Key Lime pie.
Media: Why not? Do you think you’re better than they are?
Hillary: I don’t get it.
Media: And that’s the problem, isn’t it Secretary Clinton. You just don’t get it. Just like you didn’t get it with Benghazi.
Hillary: What does Benghazi have to do with Key Lime pie?
Media: Well your critics think you weren’t very forthcoming about how Benghazi transpired. And now you appear to be doing the same with Key Lime pie. It’s a pattern of deception, and it’s troubling.
Hillary: I don’t think the two have anything to do with each other.
Media: So you failed to connect the dots that night, didn’t you? Too busy deleting your e-mails about Key Lime pie?
Hillary: Is this a joke?
Media: No, this is a Presidential campaign. Why aren’t you taking it more seriously? And also, why don’t you smile more?
Hillary: I think we’re done here.
