And finally, New Rule: Now that there's been an uproar over all the neocons who lied about the Iraq War with no consequences, someone must tell me why there isn't a similar uproar over all the Republicans who lied about Obamacare with no consequences. (audience applause) It's been four years since the bill passed. Has anybody come across even one death panel? The next liberal to tell a Republican, "you're entitled to your own opinion, but not your own facts", should really just admit they've never seen Fox News. (audience cheering and applause)
Now, look, I get it that neither party has a monopoly on lying, and in fact they all do it so often, they've invented their own word for it — "I misspoke". But how come the rule for one party — the Republican Party — is that when they get caught in a lie, they don't have to stop telling it?
They said Obamacare would use death panels. It doesn't.
They said it was a government takeover, and the insurance industry is making record profits.
They said it covered illegals. It doesn't.
They said it was a job killer. It hasn't been.
They said there were elves who bake cookies in trees. Well, almost. (audience laughter and applause)
Now for sure, Obama also told a lie when he said everybody who likes their health care plan can keep it. And for about 2% of the population, that did turn out to be false. The difference is, he stopped saying it! He stepped up and said, you're right, my bad, because he understands there's this thing called observable reality. (audience applause)
But on the Republican side, observable reality needs more study. (audience laughter) Which is why their talking points that have been disproven, remain! Like a guest who's been asked to leave a party, but does not.
It reminds me of a horror movie where you think you've killed the lie, but it won't stay dead. Which is why I call them zombie lies. (thunder crackles and camera shakes)
Ooh, what an effect! (audience laughter) Excuse me, I have a weak heart.
Yes, zombie lies. Remember "fracking doesn't cause earthquakes"? Zombie lie! So stop saying it!
Voter fraud? We studied it, it's not an actual problem. Stop zombie lying about it.
Their entire economic philosophy — cut taxes for the rich, and it trickles down — is a zombie lie! (audience cheering and applause)
And all these zombie lies are still out there, roaming the countryside, neither alive nor dead. Like Dick Cheney. (audience laughter and applause)
Hungry for brains. Like Dick Cheney. (audience laughter)
I mean, we think we've eradicated one, but it turns out it's just lying dormant in a cave full of bat blood, like the ebola virus. Or Dick Cheney. (audience laughter)
Dick Cheney, who did not even bother in his recent return from the dead to update the lies he told about Iraq the first time. He's still out there saying, "Well, Saddam was building a bomb, and he was working with al-Qaeda."
What?? It's like when Chuck Berry sings "Sweet Little Sixteen". You're 90, man!
There is no shame in their game. One week they're out there saying, "No one will sign up for Obamacare."
And the next week, "Oh, OK, they signed up? Sure, OK, but they aren't paying the premiums."
"Oh they are? OK, uh, well, they're paying, but it's not the young people."
"Oh, it is? It's the young people? OK. Uh, OK, but it only covers you if you're gay." (audience laughter)
You know, you just wanna go, wait, when did we switch over? What happened to yesterday's lie? It's still out there forever, like a plastic bag in a tree. But now we're just using the new one?
Yes, because what they do is they pass a zombie lie down to dumber and dumber people, who believe it more and more.
Hank Paulson may be over the one about climate change being a hoax, but it's still good enough for Sean Hannity. Who then gets quoted by Michele Bachmann. Who forms the intellectual core of the thinking of Victoria Jackson. And when you think the zombie lie has finally gone to die at the idea hospice of the absolutely stupidest people on Earth, there it is being retweeted by Donald Trump.
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