“I probably know more about Jeff Epstein than Jeff Epstein knows about himself at this point. I have read every single court document, article, and book written about him and his case. I’ve combed the flight logs, and every page of his “little black book”. I’ve even researched the background of every witness who testified-background searches, property records. When I say I spent hundreds of hours on this story, I meant it.”
-Me, October 2016
So. Jeff Epstein is dead. Reportedly a suicide.
Like many of you I have a hard time buying this. I would like to explain why, and also provide a bit of an explanation of where I have been for the past almost 4 years.
Jeffrey Epstein was, to the core soul, a narcissist. As a narcissist he was driven by self interest first and foremost, but when things don’t go his way, his focus turned to revenge. For years Epstein has been collecting “dirt” on his associates- secretly recording their liaisons with underage girls and creating “files” on his friends and enemies alike. He used this as both leverage and blackmail. It allowed him to get away with his crimes for years. This indictment must have felt to him like a huge betrayal.
Epstein would not kill himself, in my opinion, without first enjoying the spectacle of watching those who double crossed him twist in the wind. A man focused on vengeance, a predator through and through, he would not hang himself in a jail cell before trial, the same night thousands of pages of documents were dumped. Please bear in mind, there is not a lot of new information to be found in there about Epstein himself- it is known, and finally officially acknowledged, that he was running an international sex trafficking ring for the power elite. His role in that is beyond dispute. And it’s also been an open secret for years. The only thing being revealed at this point- and what would have ultimately come out during the trial- is who his co-conspirators were. Who his clients were. This trial would have, in my opinion, been a monumental opportunity to see the ugly underbelly of the power elite, and lay bare how they ALL are complicit in the abuse, rape, and sex trafficking of young, powerless girls. And now that he was an outcast and not an insider, the Jeff Epstein I “know” would love nothing more than to see all of that dirty laundry aired.
Jeffrey Epstein also wasn’t staring down a life sentence. He was a billionaire! Billionaires don’t go to prison, this is America! He also had tons of leverage to use with the states attorney and they were in discussions for a proffer last I heard- meaning he was cooperating. Meaning he was talking. Which is exactly what I expected he would do. He was talking not just to save his own ass, but because he got a vicarious thrill from taking down all the enemies he made over the years. And yes, it is worth noting that Trump was one of them, although far from the only one.
Jeffrey Epstien wasn’t ashamed. He wasn’t scared. He certainly wasn’t feeling guilty. My gut feeling is Jeffrey Epstein was pissed, and revenge focused to his last moments. He was a master manipulator to his core. The kind of man who makes plots, not rash decisions.
It’s not that Jeff Epstein wouldn’t kill himself- but he wouldn’t do it like this in my opinion. Not without forcing his victims to come to court and testify, be subjected to some public humiliation first. Now without taking one last opportunity to stare them down and make them squirm. Not without enjoying watching Alan Dershowitz, Trump, et al go down with the ship.
And finally, Jeff Epstein wasn’t worried about his reputation. That’s the most amazing part of this- he never hid who he was. He flaunted his perversions openly and proudly for decades. And at the end of the day, he was still surrounded by enablers. Nothing that came out would hurt him, the elements of the crimes remained the same, they were known in 2008. Remember, this is not the first time Epstein was sitting in a jail cell facing hard time- and there was no reason for him to believe this time would end up any different. And here is how that ended up for his social life:
“The conventional wisdom among his friends was that Epstein has been victimized by greedy, morally dubious teenage girls and unscrupulous lawyers. "I've never condoned paying for sex, but if the young lady lied about her age it's her own fault," explained one socialite, who along with Wilbur Ross and Leon Black hobnobbed with Epstein at a Southampton movie screening just two months after his release from "community control" in Florida.”
-Alexandra Wolfe for the Daily Beast, 2011
And let’s not forget:
“Why was Epstein so easily rehabilitated? He was smart. Attractive. Rich. And that is a potent combination. As David Patrick Columbia, editor of New York Social Diary, explained it for the Times: “A jail sentence doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that gets you shunned in New York society is poverty.”
Jesse Kornbluth, Salon, July 9 2019
When we discuss conspiracy theories, we speak in terms of Occam’s razor. The simplest explanation is the most likely one. In this case we have a situation where what appears on the surface to be the most simple explanation defies logic and common sense.
On the surface, a rich man who has found himself in a jail cell facing hard prison time, well that’s pretty rock bottom. Maybe he felt guilty. People are continuing to view this through their lens of being normal people with normal emotions and motives. But we are not dealing with normal people, in more ways than one.
To me it boils down to motive. Who had a bigger motive to silence Jeffery Epstein- Jeff himself, or the people he still had power and leverage over? Does it follow common sense and logic that a grandiose narcissist with unlimited financial resources, who made his fortune essentially gambling and collecting kompromat would kill himself before using ANY of those resources?
And I want to make this very clear- I do not have any evidence to give you or new insight. In fact, for reasons that should make sense shortly, I have avoided anything having to do with this story since November 2016. A lot more has come out since then, and maybe some of it would explain this particular turn of events. I’m not here to engage in conspiracy theories or speculate on what actually did happen or who was behind it. This is nothing more than the gut feeling I have as someone who researched this man down to his sinew and cartilage and emerged with a fundamental understanding of who he is. Or was.
Content warning- Domestic Violence
It also comes from the fact that I have been the target of a narcissistic abuser more than once. In fact the main reason I disappeared off the face of the earth after November 2016 and never wrote another installment- I was married to one. And when I started getting attention for the story, and he wasn’t the one in the spotlight, he snapped and escalated beyond anything I could have imagined.
I know how they operate. I heard the plotting and the revenge fantasies, which sometimes involved tying people up and murdering their children in front of them. I knew because he told me many times he wouldn’t actually kill himself without doing some grandiose act of revenge first. I knew he would make my life a living hell if I left him. And true to form, on July 8th, upon being released from the psychiatric inpatient for suicidal ideation, he was served with a protective order. That might sound callous, but after almost 7 years with him I knew how he would respond- He didn’t kill himself, he retaliated. He drained my resources, invaded my privacy, destroyed my work, locked me out of my accounts, shut off my utilities in the protected residence so I had to flee with my special needs cat and 4 foster kittens and spend my safety money on hotels. Ultimately he sabatoged my safety plan and I was left with nothing. And I know he enjoyed watching my life fall apart. I saw that joy first hand over the years, as he taunted me with my failures. The biggest one of all being how I failed to ever deliver part 2 and blew my biggest opportunity for a writing career. Even though it was his escalating abuse and control and sabatoging that drove me away, and his manipulation and the devastating effects of almost 7 years living with constant, soul destroying emotional abuse made me believe I couldn’t come back, and essentially made me forget how to write.
For years he also used threats of suicide to manipulate and control me, but I eventually came to the same realization about him- that he is far too enamored with himself to ever do such a thing, but if he did, he would take me out first. In fact that was the threat he made one night-(content warning description of violence in quote box)
“I bought a gun, and I am going to use it on me, but first I’m going to put it against your head and pull the trigger, and enjoy the sight of your brains splattered against the wall. Like modern art. It will be a beautiful thing to see before I die”
These are not normal people.
In my post Fuck Joe Paterno where I described the sexual abuse in my childhood- I originally included this detail, but later took it out as it was too identifying. The man who abused me as a child committed a murder suicide. His daughter, who he was also abusing, found their bodies. That is how the abuse ended. For both of us. With a primal wound, with no closure. Because it was all about control. Because he was about to get caught but unlike Jeffery Epstein, he had no leverage and no money. So he killed himself, but not before orphaning his 2 children and leaving the daughter he abused to find the carnage.
Again. These are not normal people.
Narcissists don’t typically commit suicide, but when they do it’s usually not a sad, desperate act. It is not done to end pain, it is done as the ultimate act of control- and only after they have inflicted as much pain as possible on their targets. They are the perpetrators of murder suicides, mass murder suicides, they are the ones who shoot themselves in front of others or do it publicly just as a final “fuck you”.
Suicide as the Ultimate Hostile Act
If you believe you’re dealing with a narcissist, while rare, they do sometimes commit suicide. In many cases, these acts are what’s considered “spiteful suicides” – intended to traumatize the person who finds them and/or didn’t follow the narcissist’s commands.
Under these particular circumstances, such suicides aren’t carried out by a tormented soul who didn’t find the love and care they needed. On the contrary, when a narcissist commits suicide, it’s correlated with a particular level of depravity and sadism.
-Kim Saeed, “Will the Narcissist Really Commit Suicide if I Leave?”
So did Jeff Epstein kill himself late last night, all alone in his jail cell? Maybe. But it doesn’t fit, and it goes against my intuition, and that is something I’m learning to trust over everything.
EDITED- here is a link to the gofundme set up by my friend for those who were asking how they could help! This will take care of my most immediate needs- any amount helps! Thank you so much for all the support, it feels great to be back!
Holy crap I’m blown away by the response and your generosity! I already have raised over $600 and he only started the campaign 2 hours ago! I woke up this morning not sure if I was going to be able to afford a real meal, honestly, so this is amazing. I am going to go out for a couple much needed drinks with my friends so I will not be in the comments for the rest of the night, but I will be catching up tomorrow. I love you guys!
I’m going to just copy and paste the comments I made in the other diary (!!) on the rec list, because I’m honestly at a loss for words.
I’m not gonna lie after I posted my diary last night my friends I’m staying with took me out on the town and I had a little too much fun (much needed!) so I literally just woke up and saw this. I am blown away. I had no idea people still remembered me or cared so much. I’m honestly at a loss for words...After being so fucking low for so long this feels amazing but it’s also overwhelming, so please understand if I’m not as responsive. This is all still very fresh, and difficult to talk about. But from the bottom of my heart thank you so much, this is why I will always return to this community. I love you guys and I am so incredibly happy to be back.
I want everyone to rest assured I am completely safe. I am literally in the mountains lol, he has no idea where the fuck I am. I’m staying with a trained MMA fighter. He has huge, viscous guard dogs. I had to get rid of all my electronics because he was hacking into shit, so everything I have now is brand new and untraceable. Using cash and gift cards. I waited until all of that was firmly in place before I hit publish. I have never felt physically safer in my life. He was primarily an emotional abuser anyways, he’s going to probably just slander my reputation and put all the dirty laundry he’s been gathering up over the years on full display. He did that the last time, so I’m already preparing for it and that’s one of the reasons I really do need a lawyer. But I’m mentally prepared for that, and honestly there is nothing I’ve said or done in the past 7 years that I’m not willing to talk about or write about so he can have fun with that. I need my community and I need to rebuild a life for myself and my daughter. Please share away!