The prospects for Donald Trump's reelection seem to be sinking into ever deeper trenches of their own flop sweat. He is getting crushed by Joe Biden in every national poll, as well as every crucial swing state. He's even behind in the traditionally blood-red state of Texas. And these woeful circumstances are taking a toll on his mental balance (or lack thereof).
As evidence of just how pitifully desperate Trump and his team of cultists have become, News Corpse has compiled some of the recent emails we received from the campaign. We have been receiving seven or eight annoyingly whiny emails from Team Trump every single day. We have no idea how we got on their mailing list, but that just speaks to how useless it is if it's filled with recipients who not only aren't interested in supporting his candidacy, but who are steadfastly opposed to it.
Trump's email pleas are usually misaddressed to "Friend," which News Corpse certainly is not. They repeatedly thank us for our devoted support and uncommon loyalty to Trump. Perhaps their secret purpose is to disable Trump opponents by causing them to collapse in uncontrollable fits laughter at the absurdity of these sappy solicitations. If so, it's working. And at the risk of disabling even more Trump opponents, we now present some of the email appeals in sequence, showing how their fear escalates with each mailing (Sender's name in CAPS).
DONALD TRUMP: Since you’ve been such an important part of our movement, I wanted to give you this exclusive opportunity to become an Official 2020 Trump Platinum Member. When you become a member, you’ll even get your very own PERSONALIZED Membership Card.
This is the FIRST time I’ve ever opened this exclusive membership group to my online supporters. Normally, this group is reserved for just my top 500 supporters. This could be your one and only chance to join.
TRUMP PLATINUM CARD: Did you see the President’s email? He invited you to become an Official 2020 Trump Platinum Member.
We’re only reaching out to the President’s most loyal supporters, like YOU, to join this exclusive program. Remember, when you activate your membership, we’ll even send you your very own PERSONALIZED Membership Card.
Your offer is ONLY available until 11:59 PM TONIGHT. After that, your invitation will expire and you may never get another chance to join.
ERIC TRUMP: How do you want to be remembered?
As a Patriot who fought to Keep America Great? Or as an un-American Liberal who stood idly by as Radical Democrats ripped our Nation apart?
Team Trump just informed me that you haven’t accepted my father’s offer to join the Trump 100 Club, and I have to admit, I’m pretty disappointed.
MEET PRESIDENT TRUMP: Is everything OK?
President Trump asked us if you were available to meet him at an upcoming event but we told him we hadn’t heard from you yet.
LARA TRUMP: Why didn’t you use your 500%-MATCH?
President Trump specifically selected YOU for this exclusive opportunity, and he was disappointed that you failed to use your offer.
DONALD TRUMP JR: Should I tell my father that you aren’t interested?
He asked me to review the most recent list of Patriots who have entered to win a trip to meet him at an upcoming event, and I noticed that you STILL haven’t entered.
ERIC TRUMP: Where have you been?
Each day my father sees an updated donor list and EACH DAY he notices that you STILL haven’t contributed.
DONALD TRUMP JR: I hate to be the one to tell you, but according to our records, your Trump 100 Club offer has been RESCINDED.
You’ve received multiple emails from Team Trump, including my father, inviting you to join this BRAND NEW, prestigious club, and you’ve ignored every single one of them.
President Trump knows that you’ve always been such a strong supporter in the past, so he agreed to let me REACTIVATE your offer for ONE MORE DAY.
ERIC TRUMP: This is your FINAL NOTICE.
So far, we've emailed you 4 times inviting you to join the Trump Presidential Honor Roll. Team Trump emailed you, my wife Lara emailed you, my brother Don Jr. emailed you, AND President Trump emailed you.
We’ve done everything we can to get you to join this prestigious group, and now I’m reaching out to let you know that this is your LAST CHANCE.
I’m holding your spot for the NEXT 3 hours. After that, your offer will permanently EXPIRE and you will no longer be considered for a spot on the Honor Roll.
It's awfully flattering to know that during these turbulent times (a deadly pandemic, an economic recession, more than 20 million people unemployed, Russia paying bounties to kill American soldiers, Supreme Court rulings giving prosecutors access to Trump's financial records, etc), the President of the United States is taking time away from his golf game, tweeting, and Fox News watching, to look for my name on his list of donors.
Suffice to say that each time we received notice that we would no longer be eligible for whatever blatantly phony benefit they were serving up, our eligibility was magically restored due to how important we are to the campaign and our unparalleled contributions to its success.
However, if they have to beg this shamelessly, lie this flagrantly, and even resort to threats, in order to coerce donations out of their cult disciples, then they are in big, big trouble. Which, of course, is good news for America.
ADDENDUM: Because many people in comments have asked … these are all real quotes from real Trump campaign emails.
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