Whoa, the Tuckerbot is seriously glitching now.
A day after inviting a guest on the air to inform his diverse viewership (he draws angry septuagenarians and octogenarians) that “we should not be bringing more Black children into this country,” Tucker decided, out of the blue, that Joe and Jill Biden’s marriage is a sham.
Tomorrow I expect a lengthy exposé on our new president’s phony real estate school and deranged spray-tanning obsession.
This particular hot take must be seen to be believed.
CARLSON: At the heart of this great American family is a love story—one man, one woman and the fires of passion that changed the course of our history. Not since Antony dined with Cleopatra in downtown Antioch—before they killed themselves, obviously—has a country witnessed a love story as moving and poignant as Jill and Joe’s. No, ladies and gentlemen, Jill Biden is not Joe’s caretaker. She isn’t his nurse. She’s his fully equal romantic partner. Together they’re like besotted teens, yet at the same time they are the wise and knowing parents of a nation. As a headline from Politico on Valentine’s Day put it, quote, “Historians and relationship experts agree: The first couple’s romantic gestures aren't just genuine—they’re restorative.” So it’s official. The Bidens’ affection is totally real. It’s in no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president’s senility by misdirection. Not at all! Their love is as real as climate change.
Okay, how did this dude get through high school without suffering a fatal wedgie? Whoever solves that one gets the Nobel Prize Trump thinks he should have won.
Donald Trump’s latest marriage (his third) appeared as genuine as everything else about him. I never bought the “fake Melania” conspiracy theories—mainly because I don’t believe there’s a real Melania. In fact, Donald Trump doesn’t have wives so much as he has concubines he’s contractually obligated to financially support. You could power a small Midwestern hamlet for a year if you could harness the kinetic energy of Melania’s hand slaps.
Is it possible that no one in Tucker's orbit has ever witnessed a mutually respectful, mutually beneficial romantic relationship? In FoxWorld, Bill O’Reilly’s falafel-y overtures to Andrea Mackris were like Heathcliff and Catherine cavorting on the moors.
Oh, and bonus! Tucker thinks Texas is completely reliant on windmills, and so when the state suffered a cold snap, they broke. So if you’re in Texas and you’re cold now, blame the Green New Deal!
So I guess you can just make stuff up out of whole cloth now and expect to be taken seriously.
At this point, Tucker is no different from Sam Waterston in that classic SNL Old Glory Insurance spoof trying to sell old people insurance plans with robot-protection riders.
Yes, Tucker. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people’s medicine for fuel.
I shouldn’t laugh. That’s probably tomorrow night’s show.
”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry." — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!