Take the C&J Insurrectionist Idiot Quiz—Part VI
Sorry for slacking—we haven't done one of these in a while. Same rules as usual: guess which of these are actual recent arrests, pleas, and/or convictions of some of the MAGA cult idiots who took part in the attempted overthrow of the U.S. government on January 6th. Good luck…
1. An Ohio pastor who likes to hang around strip clubs is arrested for helping bust through the Capitol barricades to commit violence against members of Congress, just as he believes Jesus would do.
2. An Iowa QAnon freak with 23 prior criminal convictions, who kept shards of glass from the Capitol insurrection as a souvenir, but not before threatening to behead Joe Biden "like ISIS," is sentenced to 90 days in jail.
Continued...
3. A Tennessee man, eager to start "the boogaloo" (civil war), pleads guilty after he's busted for scaling dismantled bike racks and shouting "you're going to die" at Capitol police while pushing his way inside the building.
4. An entire Texas family—Mom, Dad, and three adult kids—are sentenced to prison and/or home confinement for their role in the attack.
5. A North Dakota yarn store owner who tried to strangle several members of Congress with a length of magenta super bulk, is charged with 14 counts of assault, including one with a deadly ballband.
6. A Pennsylvania man nicknamed “Jack the Tripper” is charged with felony assault for attacking Capitol police with a bike rack and knocking one down the granite steps.
7. A Michigan romance-novel cover model pleads guilty to assaulting Capitol police after being identified by the group Sedition Hunters.
8. A Montana rancher is charged with one count of attempted murder after trying to hold a police officer’s head in a cowboy hat that he had filled with pudding.
9. An HVAC worker from Iowa, who took his son to the insurrection, gets seven years in prison for attacking Capitol police including Officer Mike Fanone.
10. A Maine goober, whose mom set up a GoFundMe page when God didn’t magically release him from prison, is found guilty on 11 counts, including a felony charge for assaulting Sgt. Aquilino Gonell.
Answers: All of them really happened except #5 and #8. (But we’re not ruling them out as a future possibility.) Our thanks to Joe Jervis at the Joe.My.God. blog for keeping track of how the idiotest of the idiots—over 850 now—are getting rolled up.
And don’t forget to tune in this afternoon at 1 ET for another session of the House Jan. 6 Committee. It could be quite the spectacle—I hear Liz Cheney is bringing her baseball bat with the spike through it.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 13, 2022
Note: Because you were all so well-behaved this week, we have a special reward for you: no C&J will appear here Monday, giving you a well-deserved day off to frolic among the mums and luxuriate/exfoliate at your nearest pumpkin spice-scented day spa. Enjoy your time off, and we’ll see you back here Tuesday. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 42
Days 'til the Maryland Home and Garden Show in Timonium: 8
Number of jobs that'll be created in Fayette County, Ohio, thanks to a new $3.5 billion electric-vehicle battery production plant: 2,200
Average wait time at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru, the slowest in a recent survey by QSR magazine: 5 minutes
Wait time at the Taco Bell drive-thru, the fastest chain in the survey: 3.5 minutes
Percent of Americans polled by Newsweek who believe ghosts and demons are real: 45%
Age of Angela Lansbury when she died Tuesday: 96
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
As all the Miss Witherspoons of our lives used to call in those clear, fluty tones, "Attention, girls!" Heads up, women, we've got problems.
The latest in a long line of anti-woman decisions by the Bush administration is, for once, getting some attention, in part because of the sheer cheapness of the move. President Bush has decided not to send the $34 million approved by both houses of Congress for the United Nations Fund for Population Activities (UNFPA). The fund provides contraception, family planning and safe births, and works against the spread of HIV and against female genital mutilation in the poorest countries of the world. Thirty-four million dollars goes a long way in the parts of the world where over 600,000 women die every year from pregnancy and childbirth, many of them children themselves.
Of course, our poor government is so broke it can't afford to waste $34 million on women in poor countries. It has more important things to do, like spending $100 million on "promoting marriage." (I'm in favor of recycling old Nike ads for this one: "Marriage. Just do it.")
—October, 2002
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Hug it out…
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CHEERS to cool science. Let's get the top stories of the day out of the way first: Ukraine is still clobbering Russia, Iran's women are still scaring the crap out of the mullahs, the U.S. economy remains the strongest in the world, Merrick Garland went back to sleep, and the midterm elections are 26 days away. Now that we've cleared the decks of those trivialities, get a load of this: NASA's Webb telescope discovered something new this week:
A new image captured by the James Webb Space Telescope shows rings of dust plumes created by the violent interactions between two stars.
The image is part of new research that reveals how intense starlight can push matter around in space by focusing on a double-star system located 5,000 light-years away from Earth in the Cygnus constellation.
Repeating our top story: the universe needs a Swiffer.
CHEERS to personhood denied. On the one hand, being able to claim the millions of blastocysts you have stored in the freezer as dependents would be a fabulous tax write-off. On the other hand, you'd have to reserve bathroom time months in advance. So it's probably for the best that this happened…
The Supreme Court declined Tuesday to take up a case that would have allowed the justices to weigh in on the question of “fetal personhood”―or whether a fetus should be considered a full person entitled to constitutional rights.
The case had been brought by a Catholic group on behalf of two pregnant women and their fetuses. The group argued that a 2019 Rhode Island law cementing abortion rights in the state had eliminated rights for the unborn.
Silly Catholics. Ridiculous assertion. What unmitigated gall to think blastocysts are people. Who do they think they are…corporations???
CHEERS to naval gazing. 247 years ago today, before we'd even declared our independence, the Continental Congress said, "Sure, why not?" (or, more accurately: "Sureth, why noteth?") to arming two ships with cannons. Little did they know that they had just formed the United States Navy:
The Continental Navy grew into an important force.
Within a few days, Congress established a Naval Committee charged with equipping a fleet. This committee directed the purchasing, outfitting, manning, and operations of the first ships of the new navy, drafted subsequent naval legislation, and prepared rules and regulations to govern the Continental Navy's conduct and internal administration. …
Over the course of the War of Independence, the Continental Navy sent to sea more than fifty armed vessels of various types. The navy's squadrons and cruisers seized enemy supplies and carried correspondence and diplomats to Europe, returning with needed munitions.
Their first official slogan is still in use today: "Beat Army."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to celebrity (non-)power. On October 13, 1957, entertainment titans Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra introduced a new car on national TV. The hour-long special was a big ratings hit. Unfortunately, the car they were hawking was the New Coke of the day, the Ford Edsel, which …
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The original Edsels sold for around three-grand. Today they can fetch up to $100,000. Not bad for a flop.
CHEERS to happy endings. Here's a feel-good story that'll warm your tootsies. You may recall that in 2020 some MAGA moron spray-painted his garage with graffiti and then torched it and his own vehicles to make it look like marauding Antifa/BLM Democrats were terrorizing his neighborhood. But it turned out to be just another scam by a lazy-ass Republican to mooch off the system. And now he’s busted:
A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to wire fraud after he set up a hoax in which he claimed people had spray-painted left-wing messages on his garage, including “Biden 2020,” an anarchy symbol, and “BLM,” and set fire to several vehicles, according to a press release from the U.S. Department of Justice. […]
The man received about $61,000 from his insurance company and $17,000 from a GoFundMe fundraiser, which is a big no-no.
The bullshit story was picked up by outlets like Fox News, where host Laura Ingraham spoke with far-right influencer Ben Shapiro about the incident.
He could spend twenty years behind bars for torching his own shit and trying to cash in on it. Sounds like he'll make the perfect cellmate for a certain ex-president.
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 13, 2012
CHEERS to the Comeback Kid. Today Vice President Joe Biden traveled to Wisconsin where he bounded onstage, opened his briefcase, and dumped Paul Ryan's bleached bones on the floor. Holy mackeral—last night it felt like Joe and moderator Martha Radditz were engaged in a serious policy discussion while Ryan was tagging along as part of Take Your Child To Work Day. While the visibly rattled Ryan drank and drank (and drank!) from his glass, Biden chewed on rusty nails as he tore into the Tea Party wonder boy's malarky and "bunch of stuff" with one brain lobe tied behind his back, up to and including a "you're no Jack Kennedy" moment that set twitter on fire. And check this out:
Biden: "These people are my mom and dad—the people I grew up with, my neighbors. They pay more effective tax than Governor Romney pays in his federal income tax. They are elderly people who in fact are living off of Social Security. They are veterans and people fighting in Afghanistan right now who are, quote, “not paying any tax.”
I’ve had it up to here with this notion that 47 percent—it’s about time they take some responsibility here.
And instead of signing pledges to Grover Norquist not to ask the wealthiest among us to contribute to bring back the middle class, they should be signing a pledge saying to the middle class we’re going to level the playing field; we’re going to give you a fair shot again."
Afterward, Biden went back to his hotel for a meal of sheet metal spaghetti with brass balls and victory sauce.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to home sweet home. Livability is out with its 2022 list of the Top 100 Best Places to Live. The top ten are populated mostly by 100k+ cities like Madison WI, Ann Arbor MI, Rochester MN, and Pittsburgh PA. But this humble Maine fishing hamlet of only 66,000 on the northeast Atlantic coast checks in at a respectable #62:
Cobblestone streets, ocean views, fishing piers, lighthouses and world-class dining have long charmed visitors who flock to Portland, ME, looking to soak up the seaport vibes and get their fill of lobster rolls.
But in recent years, young families and professionals wanting to escape the hustle and bustle of big city life have begun moving to this quintessential New England town, and it’s easy to see why. Portland maintains its small-town feel without sacrificing the culture and conveniences of metropolitan living, making it one of the best places to live in the U.S.
Great schools, cute Victorian homes, a premier art museum and amazing seafood are some of the perks the 68,000-plus Portland residents enjoy. Families love living in this southern Maine city, where nature is just outside the front door and history is on every corner. The city also has an incredible foodie scene and one of the highest restaurants per capita, with more than 300 restaurants in the area.
Sounds good to me. Then again, I’ve only lived here for 29 blissful years. More study is needed.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Suppose you were the dumbest person in the world. Now suppose you were Bill in Portland Maine. But I repeat myself.”
—A Dr. Oz Spokesman
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