Late Night Snark
"Every year around this time Fox News likes to get their viewers riled up with fake Halloween conspiracy theories, like when they claimed people were swapping kids' cheap candy for weed gummies. To keep things fresh, they've come up with some new ones for 2022, [including]: there have been reports of needles in apples—even worse, the needles contain the vaccine! … Mike & Ike are trying to adopt! … [and] white chocolate has to pay reparations to all the other chocolates!"
—Seth Meyers
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Where proper hygiene goes to die.
"Here's an idea: Georgia voters don't have to elect Herschel Walker, they can just give him a certificate that says Honorary Senator. He won't know the difference!"
—Trevor Noah
Herschel Walker just claimed he wrote all the Police Academy movies.
—Conan O'Brien on Twitter
-
"President Biden says he has no intention of meeting with Putin at next month's G-20 summit. Meanwhile Trump and Putin are planning a couples Halloween costume. 'No, Donald, I'm the avocado, you're the toast!'"
—Jimmy Fallon
"It's crazy. Of all of Donald Trump's victims, who in a million years would've thought that the National Archives would bring him down. Mr. Forbes Magazine, foiled by a bunch of librarians. It's beautiful."
—Jimmy Kimmel
And now, our feature presentation...
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 21, 2022
Note: A quick reminder that this is the next-to-last day of "Save For Retirement Week." Please take the appropriate steps this weekend to rob enough banks so you hit your 2022 goals responsibly. And don’t forget to take a pen or two from their lobbies—they’re free! —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Halloween: 10
Days 'til the Wiggle Waggle Fall Festival in San Luis Obispo, California: 8
Amount President Biden is releasing from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to help keep prices down: 15 million barrels
Percent chance that ExxonMobil has fully pulled out of doing business with Russia: 100%
Pounds of dynamite some guy used to blow up his Tesla after he got a $22,000 repair bill: 66
Estimated pounds of candy that will be purchased for Halloween this year: 600 million
Ocean temperature off the coast of Portland, Maine: 54F
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS to conservatives in disarray. It's all over. The confetti has been swept up, the balloons have been popped and bagged, and the empty pints of ale are all washed and put away. The contest has ended, and the human Hummel figurine in charge of the nuclear nation known as Great Britain has been self-inflictedly vanquished…
-
And take a wild guess who the lucky duck might be to replace Ms. Truss, who lasted a whopping 44 days before getting thrown under every double-decker bus available by her own party? Boris Johnson. That'll make it five failed right-wing prime ministers in six years. The moral of this sorry story: You brexit, you own it.
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Other than Britain's meltdown, things are the same around the world: war, viruses, pollution, fascism, stupidity, propaganda, religious wackos calling for the death of everyone but them, a pandemic of distracted drivers, weird nationwide infatuation with Jeffrey Dahmer, a firehose of campaign ads flooding everyone's in-boxes and viewing screens…y'know, the usual. But NASA did something cool this week. They took a Polaroid of the famous skeleton's foot galaxy nebula solar system black hole quark. Or as it's better known, The Cosmic Tootsies:
True fact: if whoever that foot belongs to was to stomp on our planet, it would squish enough grape juice out of us to produce one one-millionth of a drop of wine for its goblet. Kinda puts it all in perspective, don't it? (Try a little weed and it will.)
CHEERS to Great Moments in Saying Stuff. 160 years ago this week, in 1861, the first coast-to-coast telegram was sent from Chief Justice Stephen Field in California to President Lincoln in Washington, D.C. Field's Message: "Could you find the whereabouts of Amanda Hugginkiss?" Lincoln's reply: "Nice try."
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to flying fingers. On October 21, 1918, a typing speed record was set by Margaret Owen of New York City: 170 words per minute on a manual typewriter. Here's a sample:
Jig Thyebeg ehdrhi slaw 948has no jdo0-fghbf reydhgnc convkde braggadocio 94u8457b og nut arkblarg Gimbel manly th rocks
If she was alive today she'd be enjoying a lucrative career writing Marjorie Taylor-Greene tweets.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's a brief rundown of some of the boob-tubage on this weekend. Tonight we'll check in with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew as usual, peeking occasionally at the San Diego Padres vs. Philadelphia Phillies baseball playoff game (7:30 ET) on Fox Sports. Or there’s a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us and Whose Line starting at 8 on the CW. And at 11 on BBC America, Graham Norton’s guests include Colin Ferrell, Kate Hudson and Elizabeth Banks.
The most popular movies and home videos—including a new George Clooney/Julia Roberts comedy set in “the tropics” that I guarantee you is a smug, insufferable slog—are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Miles Teller hosts SNL, which I believe the United States Constitution requires you to watch even though it’s a rerun. (Rules is rules.)
Sunday on 60 Minutes: reports on Dominion Voting Systems lawsuits against the MAGA cult, and an effort to create the largest nature reserve in the lower 48 states. Then a supernatural clown comes to town on The Simpsons and Cleveland gets fired as a mailman on Family Guy. (Spoiler alert: hilarity ensues.) Sorry, but no new episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight Sunday night, as John Oliver will be sobbing in his trailer over the resignation of Liz Truss.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: House Jan. 6 Committee co-chair Liz Cheney (R-WY).
Face the Nation: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Special presidential coordinator for International Energy Affairs Amos Hochstein; former Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency director Chris Krebs; former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus Rep. Nancy Mace (The Cult-SC).
This Week: Arizona gubernatorial candidates Katie Hobbs (D) and Kari Lake (The Cult); Speaker of the Arizona House Rusty Bowers; Chairman of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors Bill “No, Not That Bill Gates” Gates.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen Mike Lee (The Cult-UT); Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-TX).
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: October 21, 2012
CHEERS to a walking, talking textbook definition of "moral compass." We lost George McGovern over the weekend (at 90—old age got him). Meteor Blades wrote a nice tribute to him, and all I can really add to the explosion of stories and memories around the internet is my own perspective. I was eight when he lost in '72, and that suited me just fine because I thought Nixon was great (he talked to Neil Armstrong on the moon!) and the hippies stormin' around on Uncle Walter's newscasts were scary-lookin'. So I hope history will forgive my youthful indiscretion as my reformed self joins the chorus of voices rightfully singing McGovern's praises, including his sense of humor:
"The longer the title, the less important the job."
"You know, sometimes, when they say you're ahead of your time, it's just a polite way of saying you have a real bad sense of timing."
"If we had run in '74 instead of '72, it would have been a piece of cake."
Attention procreators: more like him, please.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to climbing back on the wagon. Every year at this time I challenge myself to give up my worst addiction: candy corn. I love the stuff—in stews, soups, casseroles, salads, and sometimes even straight out of the bag. My brain thinks that candy corn is a gift from God for which we are just barely worthy. But my pancreas is thinking, "Have you no decency, sir? At long last have you left no sense of dietary decency?" So I owe it to myself to give it the old college try, cold-turkey style. I've got my stopwatch with me, and I'm hoping to beat my old record of…[opens tattered 56-year-old record book]…1.71 seconds without eating candy corn. So let's do this! Ready, set, GO...
Tick tock, tick…
[Nom nom nom nom nom nom NomNom NOM NOM NOM!!!]
…tock.
1.74 seconds. Better than last year but still disappointing. Oh well—I guess we'll try again during Lent.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-